To ask if you regretted Wedding spend?

[FeelingFlat]

I'm getting married this year (date quite set can't do another time or year)

I'm completely stuck on type of wedding.

I have two options-

Small immediate family, lunch after that may or may not spread into drinks into the evening.

Big white traditional wedding with most extended family and friends invited at a cost of approx £20k (more likely to tip over than under 20k)

Whilst we can afford the big wedding it would literally leave us on zero savings.

Heart says big wedding, head says small.

Has anyone ever had regrets after a small or big wedding?! Wished you had done the opposite afterwards?

To not drip feed and to make this easier please understand that there's no inbetween wedding or budget we would be happy with despite looking at many options.

Help me decide

One of the best weddings I ever went to was in a brewery, it didn’t start until four and they gave us afternoon tea then provided a (nice upmarket) burger van where you could choose to buy a burger from later. They also had THE BEST wedding band and everyone was up dancing.
The bride wore a lovely dress but it was just a normal dress because she wanted to dance.
Nobody minded about having to buy the burger or the fact it started late because it was so convenient and fun, also they hadn’t had it in a hotel miles from everywhere so the money we saved from not having to fork out for a hotel room more than made up for it.

To a degree yes I did. We had help from our parents, used savings and I rather foolishly took out two 0% interest credit cards (paid off in full within a year and I didn’t pay a penny in interest - cut them up as soon as balances were fully paid off). I had an expensive dress (£4K), cake (about £800), flowers (several thousand). The honeymoon cost around £12k although it was amazing. But the thing I regret the most is the sheer volume of people that we invited who if I’m being brutally honest I’m not that close to (I’m sure the feelings mutual). A lot of them clearly saw it as a day out/ excuse for a booze up. I’m not very outgoing and I think I would have preferred a small intimate do but there was a lot of pressure from parents who were worried about offending various people. Have the wedding that you want and spend money on the things that really matter to you.

What's the approx date and do you have to have a Saturday? We saved about 20% having it on a Sunday
Did love having everyone together for our day and don't regret the spend (c. £17k over 15 years ago but £5k was honeymoon)

We spent about £20k on ours but that was a weekend wedding and accommodation for guests.
I don't regret the money we spent but there were things I really didn't need to spend money on.... wedding T-shirts for all guests!? Y? Why did I feel they were required?

A gift box of toiletries for each guest 🙄!

And I got married before Pinterest was even a thing!!!

Such a waste of money! And ever so slightly pretentious..... lol

You can’t say “ no other options” without telling us why!

I get you might only be able to have a very small family wedding or an invite everyone event. But I don’t get why the small one can’t be more fabulous or the big one cheaper?

We had 40 people to what was a fantastic wedding. Just close friends and family. Everything went brilliantly and our guests were amazing but frankly 40 was enough. It’s very tricky absorbing the day whilst talking to everyone, taking photos and remembering everything.

It’s your day to get married. You can have a massive party anytime.

We had a big wedding, mainly as we both had family and friends from abroad so felt the need to compensate them for travelling. As they had to pay flights and accommodation we covered a lot of meals over the weekend. Looking back it was a fabulous day but I'd go smaller and more casual if I did it again.

I think the challenge with London is finding non- wedding venues. So there's a shortage of 'barn/hog roast' type venues. But perhaps ask for alternatives -like the brewery mentioned earlier. Whereabouts in London are you looking to be? Maybe the collective minds of MN can think of something?

Hmm. I loved my wedding day. I don’t exactly know what it cost, we paid for a lot of it ourselves and my parents paid for some, but didn’t really keep tabs because we had a lot of disposable income at that time.

One major house move, three kids and one redundancy in, having the money we spent on the wedding in the bank would be amazing. In reality though, at that stage in our lives, if we hadn’t spent it on the wedding, we would have frittered it away. I remember my now DH saying that we will never be able to live like this again, and he was right, we don’t!

We had a big wedding - mostly at my parents' insistence as I was the first in my generation to get married - all the extended family. I've been married 16 years now and theres about 30 guests I haven't see since.

We had a fabulous honeymoon and wouldn't change that, but about 18 months later, I had children & husband in hospital long term (all good now) and we were on our knees financially. I remember sobbing in hospital regretting £15k that we'd contributed to the wedding - yes a nice day but one day nonetheless.

Unless you actually want a big wedding and it's people you really want there, it's a huge waste for what you're accepting will be a pretty standard wedding.

It will be October this year, must be London and must involve a specific East London Church (this is outing Im sure!) so venue afterwards is the expensive part!

We will some children invited to the whole event too.

MN work your magic (please!!)

If everyone could be invited (this is my ideal scenario) we are looking at 100 people and I'd essentially love an amazing party - good music, decent food and space to dance!

We spend about £6K, we had about 40 guests for the day, with around another 20 in the evening.

I loved our wedding day, people warned me I might feel it was an anticlimax but we were both buzzing the whole day and night!

Towards the end of the planning, I went a bit crazy and wanted to use credit cards to pay for a few last minute 'wow' bits, but my husband really put his foot down - i was very glad he did as we found out I was pregnant 3 days after the wedding.

I think anything upthing up to 8k is acceptable, prioritise what is important to you - if its having everyone there, scrap the sit down meal...if its the experience, then cut the guest list. Something will always have to give.

If I could do it again I would cut the day time part, have a late afternoon/ early evening ceremony, big buffet and drinks.

I went to a party here and it was fab!

www.apiarystudios.org

I think they’re pretty flexible on what you want and because it’s a blank space you can dress it how you like.

We spent 6k on the wedding and I wouldn't honestly have cut anything out, nor can I think of anywhere we should have spent more unless it was an entirely different venue or lots more free alchohol!

spent 1.5k on wedding and 1.5K on honeymoon...honeymoon probably worth it, wedding seemed a bit over the top for a legal contract...

I had 70 guests and spent about £15k, but we had a full castle and all the trimmings. I spent stupid money on flowers, dresses, party favours, cars, etc. Would I do it again? No. I don’t really enjoy weddings, not even my own. It was fine but it dragged on too long. Second time round I’d probably get married and have dinner with the 15-20 people we were closest to. I’d even prefer to host at home!

It might help to think of what an enormous amount of money per minute even a small wedding costs. Then consider how many of those minutes in that one day aren’t in any way ‘special’, ‘memorable’ or instaworthy.

-grabbing a quick breakfast
-going to the loo (3 times)
-discussing practicalities with the venue/pastor/dj etc
-redoing your hair/makeup
-making small talk with ex work mates plus one (30 times)
-standing around while photographer finds Aunty Mabel

Basically 1000’s of £ spent with nothing to show. What other big purchases work that way? None. It really is just one day. One dress. One cake.

I’d rather have really nice cake once a week all year, than one massive one (that you barely get to taste) on one day.

I’d rather have the ability to buy a pair of boots I fall in love on a random rainy Tuesday, than spend my shoe budget on one sparkly pinchy pair that no one sees under the dress, worn for one afternoon.

And if you save enough to one day buy a house, trust me, there’s nothing like that feeling. No fading photographs in an album will ever feel as good as that.

I’ve worked at a lot of weddings in my time. No one ever looks happier at the more expensive ones. In fact I’d say that the £££ ones often feel like people trying to insulate themselves from some fear by spending more money. Like ‘please be distracted by the pricey flowers and oh god please don’t notice I’m marrying the wrong guy’ or don’t notice my horrid dysfunctional family or please forget I grew up poor or I think I’m ugly and need £££ to look worthy or something like that.

Happy couples, with happy families don’t need all that frippery and distraction. They are all just genuinely pleased to spend a few hours marking a special commitment you’ve made. With nice food & drinks. That bit’s important!

Like other posters here, I think you’re asking the wrong question. It isn’t ‘should I go big or small?’ It’s ‘what is the right wedding for me and him? What would make the commitment right/real for us, and fun for those around us? And ‘right’ includes looking at your budget, long term.

I think we spent about 8 grand on our wedding. 80 guests, not super lavish but didn't scrimp on anything. We could afford it and it was lovely. Memories last a long time and seeing a lot of friends and family there was really special to me. I would have hated a tiny wedding or one with cheap food or diy-y - but that's just me. Do you have a feeling of what's important to you?

I'd go with the big wedding if it's affordable

So, the problem isn't that it'll be £20k, but that you don't know how to have the wedding you want for an affordable price.

There are other options!

it just seems that a 'standard' wedding (minus any extras like fireworks or photo booths I'm not including any of that) in London is about £20k for 100 people.

So, don't have a standard wedding. You can have a first dance with all your friends around you without it costing £20k.

I was bridesmaid at a wedding with the reception in the MoB's back garden, it was lovely and very memorable.

It's not necessarily £200 per head on food and drink but longer for the photographer, a band then a dj, minimal decorations for the venue, I'd have nieces as bridesmaids and DP would have ushers and best men so suits to be hired.

You need to stop thinking wedding and start thinking party.

So, you want:

• venue - any relatives who'd be happy to lend you their massive garden? Do you have a massive garden? If not, then how about looking outside London? London is what makes is so expensive. Or, why not have it in a nice pub with a large enough function room? There are some really pretty pubs in London and you can get a room for free if you have a minimum spend.

• food and drink. Buffet rather than sit down is cheaper. Have a late wedding so you don't need to do lunch and dinner. Buy booze for dinner but don't have a pay bar - go somewhere with decent prices

• photographer. Just have a few pictures done, don't have the photographer there all day. And for the rest, ask people to take pictures on their phones and share them with you.

• a band. Do you really need a band? If you really do, then this is where you need to be cunning and find someone you like that's not overly expensive. Need to spend time doing research.

• a dj - why don't you ask everyone to nominate a tune to go on the playlist ahead of time. I've been at a wedding that did this and it was fun.

• minimal decorations for the venue - you can make decorations and /or get some very cheap but beautiful decorations. Ask in the weddings topic for ideas

• nieces as bridesmaids. You can get cheap dresses in sales. Don't have to be matchy matchy, just the same colour will do just fine. Put the same flowers in their hair to "match" them

• ushers and best men so suits to be hired.

Could you look into buying ex-hire? Might that be cheaper?

We went away and got married abroad before it was kind of 'trendy' to do that. We invited no one. Our witnesses were hotel guests we just asked on the day. We phoned our mums while out there and they organised a little bit of a shindig for when we came back which was lovely of them. Pity the bloody divorce is costing me more than the sodding marriage (we were married over 20 years so times have obvs changed, I get that!)

Sorry missed your post about the East London Church!

Careful with garden weddings, marquees cost an absolute fortune and then you have to provide toilets and seats etc.

I don’t think it makes it cheaper tbh.

We spent a ridiculous amount and sometimes it does make me cringe when I think back but I adored every second of it.

Careful with garden weddings, marquees cost an absolute fortune and then you have to provide toilets and seats etc

My friend got a cheap gazebo. There was a lovely, nicely decorated long table and some chairs in it, but we didn't have a sit down meal. We gathered round the table in the gazebo for speeches, but the reception was in the garden.

The garden had a tree house and bouncy castle for the kids. We set up a bar. The sun shone, we played music and it was lovely!

The toilets were in the house.

The back up plan for rain was all in the house! It may or may not have worked but thankfully we didn't need to find out.

Not very helpful for an October wedding though I admit!

Happy couples, with happy families don’t need all that frippery and distraction. They are all just genuinely pleased to spend a few hours marking a special commitment you’ve made. With nice food & drinks. That bit’s important!

This is excellent advice.

FeelingFlat if you were planning, say, a 30th birthday party for this crowd, what would you be planning? Not something that cost £20k I expect! How can you bring these people together without it costing you your financial security?