Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to confront MIL

86 replies

piraterach · 21/01/2019 16:00

I need advice on how to talk to MIL about this.

She currently looks after my LG a few afternoons a week. This was her choosing (she didn't want to do full days or mornings).

She doesn't work.

She seems to be coming up with any excuse not to have LO. Every week it's another excuse and these excuses turn up in the form of a text 30 minutes before pick up time. They are always poor excuses too (trying to get a drs appointment, forgot it was today, book a non emergency dentist appointment)

Me and my husband both work full time so can't just drop everything to go pick baby up (luckily CM has been very flexible).

How do I ask MIL to stop this? I would like her to continue with childcare as it saves us a lot of money and gives them a good relationship but I need her to be more consistent

OP posts:
User758172 · 21/01/2019 16:01

Make your own arrangements for childcare for your child? You speak about her as though she’s some sort of skivvy.

Confront her? Honestly. Have you thought about having a conversation instead? Hmm

Justmuddlingalong · 21/01/2019 16:02

You need to use the childminder for the full day.

Nicknacky · 21/01/2019 16:03

Find out if it’s too much for her. But I would start looking for full time care as your arrangements aren’t working.

Jackshouse · 21/01/2019 16:04

You need to pay for childcare for your child.

Did your mil volunteer to look after your child or did you ask?

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 21/01/2019 16:04

Hit it on the head and stop the arrangement altogether.

It sounds like she’s trying to let you know that she can’t be relied on for regular childcare while you work.

BertrandRussell · 21/01/2019 16:04

Why do you need to confront her? Can’t you just sit down and talk about it? Is it possibly getting too much for her?

crimsonlake · 21/01/2019 16:05

How to confront her?
I think she is trying to tell you in a not so subtle way that she feels put upon? That is the conversation you need to bring up. Are you certain she volunteered for this as it does not sound as if she is happy doing it. If you want consistent childcare you need to pay for it.

BertrandRussell · 21/01/2019 16:06

How often has it happened since, say, Christmas?

MimiSunshine · 21/01/2019 16:06

A few afternoons a week?! So three afternoons?

Unfortunately you’re going to have to suck up the extra costs and keep DD at the childminders as it’s clear she no longer wants or is able to provide those childcare hours.

Maybe just ask her if she’d rather stop altogether or just do one afternoon from now on?

Holidayshopping · 21/01/2019 16:07

Don’t confront her at all. Just pay for your own childcare!

You can’t have a big strop and demand she does what you want-you make it sound like she has to do this. She doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to.

User758172 · 21/01/2019 16:07

You sound so entitled it’s unbelievable. The world doesn’t revolve around you.

‘I need her to be more consistent’

Hmm
BumbleBeee69 · 21/01/2019 16:08

I agree with everyone, put your Child in full time Child Care. Sorted Flowers

SarahAndQuack · 21/01/2019 16:08

Wow, you're cheeky.

Baby1onboard11 · 21/01/2019 16:08

This comes across as incredibly entitled. Your poor MIL. So what if she doesn’t work? Maybe she finds it hard to manage. Your children are your responsibility

Hopelessromantic91 · 21/01/2019 16:09

Have to agree, sounds like excuses I would make if I was being put on and wanted to remain polite/civil. And she is your MIL, not mother, why can’t your husband talk to her?

explodingkitten · 21/01/2019 16:09

Well it's clearly not working out. I think that she wants to see your DC but that it's just too much. I think that you should make other (professional) child care arrangements and just go see her in the weekend. You DC can still get a good bond with her outside of childcare.

And as for the money, you chose to have children, you pay for them when necessary. You can't rely on good will or continuing good health of other people. Especially older people can deteriorate quite quickly past the point where they can help you out.

PurpleWithRed · 21/01/2019 16:10

I would like her to continue with childcare as it saves us a lot of money

Really? Confused

AuchAyeTheNo · 21/01/2019 16:11

Who suggested the original arrangement? It sounds to me like MIL doesn’t want to do it anymore so it trying to let you know by letting you down instead of saying it outright. I would honestly just arrange different childcare and take the hit financially which I know isn’t always easy.

Chickychoccyegg · 21/01/2019 16:11

do not confront her, she's doing you a massive favour, book dd in full time with childminder, mil can pick up dd occasionally, no reason they can't still have a great relationship, but you need proper childcare in place, and mil has probably realised it's too big a commitment.

BertrandRussell · 21/01/2019 16:11

If the mil knows that you have easily available childcare then she may not realize it’s a problem if she can’t do it. Sit down together and make sure you understand each other.

Confusedbeetle · 21/01/2019 16:11

As a grandma, I know it is easy to think you can manage childcare and then find out how tiring it can be. Having done it for years I now prefer to be emergency childcare only and babysitter. Your language would upset me, Confront. Is she paid childcare? I think not. She cannot manage it. Don't depend on her, Pay for childcare and let her help as she can

MrsLion · 21/01/2019 16:13

How about you say to her:

“It seems like you have a lot on at the moment. Are you still happy and able to look after dc? Would you like to cut down the number of days, or have a break?”

Have a discussion around what she is able, and comfortable doing. Not a confrontation.

It sounds like because she doesn’t work, you think she’s obligated to provide free childcare for you. She’s not.

Jellyonawonkyplate · 21/01/2019 16:14

Sounds like she doesn't really want to look after your DD on a regular basis. From the tone of the OP I'd hazard a guess that she's terrified of telling you

QueenofallIsee · 21/01/2019 16:14

I think you are being a bit demanding - sounds as though you presented her with the fait accompli that she must do something and she didn’t really want to. Just make other arrangements

letsdolunch321 · 21/01/2019 16:16

You should of thought about full time child care when expecting ds. Maybe your mil is finding ds harder work than she was expecting !

Time to arrange a full time child minder, any luxuries you currently have will have to be put on hold until ds is at full time school

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.