How to confront MIL

[piraterach]

I need advice on how to talk to MIL about this.

She currently looks after my LG a few afternoons a week. This was her choosing (she didn't want to do full days or mornings).

She doesn't work.

She seems to be coming up with any excuse not to have LO. Every week it's another excuse and these excuses turn up in the form of a text 30 minutes before pick up time. They are always poor excuses too (trying to get a drs appointment, forgot it was today, book a non emergency dentist appointment)

Me and my husband both work full time so can't just drop everything to go pick baby up (luckily CM has been very flexible).

How do I ask MIL to stop this? I would like her to continue with childcare as it saves us a lot of money and gives them a good relationship but I need her to be more consistent

OP I think people are being a bit harsh! I am sure you appreciate the help but you're right, when you work full time having no notice and regularly having to make alternative arrangements don't work and actually it becomes more of a hindrance than a help. You just need to talk it through and see if the arrangement is no longer working for your MIL.
My own mum has always been clear she couldn't commit to regular childcare as she is away a lot and knew that sorting something alternative on a an ad-hoc basis would be difficult. I appreciated her honesty and never expected anything different. Had she volunteered to commit then let me down regularly I would be disappointed.
Hope the talk goes well x

Tell her your DD will be going into full time childcare asap.

You now need to arrange proper childcare and thank MIL for her help to date. It's clear she hasn't taken the arrangement seriously if she thinks she can give a half hour notice not to collect your child. She's being a bit lax so without any confrontation tell her you are organising full time child care.

but I need her to be more consistent

I expect she was pretty consistent when bringing her own children up and doesn't want that commitment any more. Also sounds like she's finding it difficult to tell you.

I 'don't work' but it infuriates me when that is used as a reason to demand my time (which must obviously otherwise be empty and useless). Grandmothers might want time to do things for themselves now that their childcaring responsibilities are over. I know I do!

Absolutely no need for a confrontation, just a discussion. Sometimes, as our children get older and more mobile/active, our parents can't cope with looking after them any more - certainly this was the case for my mum. My guess is it's getting too much for your MIL but she doesn't know how to broach it with you so is making these weird excuses.

Invite her round for a cuppa and say you'd like to check in with her whether the childcare is still working from her perspective. Make it very clear that she need not feel guilty if it's now too much and that you'll understand. She may want to reduce the days, or may want to stop altogether, that's her choice. However, informing you 30mins before pick up is not workable so you'd like to be open and upfront so that you can make alternative arrangements if necessary. Be sure to say how grateful you are that she has been able to help you as much as she has.

I think other posters are right, she is indirectly telling you she doesn't want to look after your child. Thank her for all she has done so far, and tell her that you have made alternative arrangements for the 3 afternoons going forward. She probably thought it would be lovely, caring for her grandchild, and the reality of it has hit home. It's bloody hard work looking after someone else's child.

Tell her you think paid childcare is better but you'd love for her to keep seeing your daughter as much as she wants to, use her for babysitting instead if she's up for it.

Forget about her views and your views, your daughter deserves to be looked after by someone who is engaged with it and wants to be there. She'll pick up on it and misbehave if the carer is half-hearted.

I don't think your MIL owes you childcare, however convenient it may be!

You need to have a conversation with her and listen to what she wants. A confrontation isn’t going to help any one. Maybe she wants to cut down to just one afternoon a week or to seeing your child on an ad hoc basis? They would still have plenty of contact to form a bond. The childcare costs would be yours to absorb.

Once you get past 60 it's surprising how tired a person gets. Looking after dgc is really exhausting. Maybe MIL didn't realise!

Having a young child takes time, commitment and serious energy..maybe it is just too much for her as she is ageing....its no ones fault ..no confrontation needed,I would suggest a huge thank you for all the times she has had your little one and explaining that you now feel better if she wouldnt object to putting your child in full time care...take the onus and blame off her and you will reap the rewards of a good relationship moving forward,. She is telling you by being unreliable that she doesn't/can't continue.She will feel awful about letting you down as it is ..be the bigger person and help her save face.It would be a good thing to do OP.

You need to pay a childminder, or look after your own child.
You can't confront your husband's mum when she provides free childcare.
Gosh, this generation is entitled.

OP I don’t think yab entirely u. I agree that confront was the wrong word but I get what you mean. If she has said she will do something then she shouldn’t let you down half an hour before. I don’t think that’s fair.

At the same time though, you can’t ‘stop her’ from withdrawing her offer as she has been doing you a favour and isn’t obliged to do it.

I think you realise this though and FT childcare seems like a good idea.

'She doesn't work' doesn't mean you have the right to expect her to provide free child care for you, which just how it sounds from your post.

Don't confront her for having a life of her own - sort out your own child care. She's bought up her own kids and has the right not to be tied to yours for your convenience.

I wouldn't confront her, but explain that due to your situation you need to book your child into regular childcare. Maybe if she wants to spend time with your DD it could be on a more ad hoc basis at the w/e or maybe (depending on where the CM is and what their schedule is), you could have some sort of arrangement with the CM whereby your MIL can collect DD by prior arrangement.

I think you've been a bit slow on the uptake OP; she's dropped numerous hints that she doesn't want to do it/it's too much with all the 'excuses' she's made. Perhaps you should just ask her if that's the case.

Make your own arrangements for childcare for your child? You speak about her as though she’s some sort of skivvy.

Confront her? Honestly. Have you thought about having a conversation instead?

^^This

I have been in your situation, and solved it by arranging full time child care. I explained to my mum that I couldn't be flexible enough to accommodate her commitments, so I'd booked full time childcare, but that I would love the kids to be with her rather than paid childcare any time she wanted to see them.

She sees them every few weeks for a few hours now rather than two full days per week.

I have no idea whether that is what she always wanted or not. She acts aggrieved that I don't want her to look after them anymore, despite that being the furthest thing from the truth, but I suspect she'd rather blame the separation on me than accept the fact that she just doesn't want to make any more time for them anymore.

Blimey, alright, OP's got the message now I think.

I think what a lot of the others have said.
Its too much for her, so indirectly shes not doing it so you will cancel the arrangement.
Op do the decent thing and book you child in with the childminder full time today.

Just use the childminder instead. It's not working out well with your MIL. It was nice that she did it all this time, but think she's probably had enough of doing it.

I know how frustrating and expensive childcare is, so I'm not inclined to be too harsh on OP, but yes, I think the conversation needs to be 'MIL, you're obviously finding it hard to keep up with having LO in the afternoons, thank you for everything, we'll send her to the childminder'

Then you leave the possibility she might say 'To be honest, 3 afternoons is a bit much but I can definitely commit to one' or something, or maybe she won't. But there's no point in potentially creating bad feeling about it.

gotta be a wind up?

Just ask her if she wants to carry on.

It sounds like maybe she'd rather not.

I echo what everyone else is saying, just pay for childcare. It's not her job to look after your child. She can then take the child from the childmninder why she feels like it on the occasional afternoon.

I've been where you are...kind of.....my MIL was full of it when I was pregnant, really wanted the opportunity to look after ds apparently and, despite my protestations, I was convinced by dp that it was a fantastic idea. I didn't ask for childcare, stressed many times that I was happy to make arrangements before I returned to work but NO she wanted to pick him up from nursery, have him the occasional weekend, even have him one evening so dp and I could enjoy some time to ourselves. Within the first month of me being back at work I had used all of my emergency carers leave because she flaked out all but once. The second month my dp had used all of his emergency leave too....thankfully I had the foresight, after my first month, to speak to my manager and arranged to do permanent weekend nights from the start of the new Rota. Thank God I had this option or we would have been absolutely shafted.
Unlike you I didn't "confront" my MIL, I just told her she wasn't required to do any childcare any more.....she genuinely couldn't see why we didn't continue with the arrangement and thought I was being a bit OTT.
My point is, people say things that, in their head at that moment, sounds like a wonderful idea but the reality is totally different. Find an alternative arrangement and stop acting so entitled.