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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to confront MIL

86 replies

piraterach · 21/01/2019 16:00

I need advice on how to talk to MIL about this.

She currently looks after my LG a few afternoons a week. This was her choosing (she didn't want to do full days or mornings).

She doesn't work.

She seems to be coming up with any excuse not to have LO. Every week it's another excuse and these excuses turn up in the form of a text 30 minutes before pick up time. They are always poor excuses too (trying to get a drs appointment, forgot it was today, book a non emergency dentist appointment)

Me and my husband both work full time so can't just drop everything to go pick baby up (luckily CM has been very flexible).

How do I ask MIL to stop this? I would like her to continue with childcare as it saves us a lot of money and gives them a good relationship but I need her to be more consistent

OP posts:
IMissGin · 21/01/2019 16:17

She doesn’t want to be regular childcare- actions speak louder than words.

You need to make alternative arrangements

justasking111 · 21/01/2019 16:17

We made it clear from the start we would not be doing official childminding, between the families we felt it would cause resentment who did how much for whom. We did a school pick up today, will care for two poorly ones tomorrow. But we are not bound to it. We can say yes or no. I think DM has had a change of heart, it is not for everyone.

Burpsandfustles · 21/01/2019 16:19

Op it's sounds like she doesn't want to do it and doesn't understand why it's important that she commits one way or another.

Personally I would not pursue this, you need to pay for childcare.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 21/01/2019 16:19

Your OP comes over as incredibly entitled. Stop her? You mean stop her attending medical appointments? Blimey.

She clearly can't commit to this, and to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if she felt railroaded into this agreement in the first place considering the tone of your post title and content.

Do not confront her, maybe thank her for the help so far and ask if it would be better to make arrangements with your CM. If she genuinely wants to continue she will make it clear at that point, and THEN you could discuss how difficult it is to arrange last minute childcare if she can't collect your DC for whatever reason and take it from there.

And "building a relationship" is not a reason.

Pk37 · 21/01/2019 16:20

You NEED her to do it?
You have a childminder !
Sorry but there is a little bit of “CF” coming across in your post .
It’s clear MIL doesn’t want to do it anymore and she’s perfectly within her rights to say no or she can’t

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 21/01/2019 16:21

My MIL did this, she absolutely demanded to have the baby, then would make oodles of excuses. What she was trying to do was force me to give up work and be a SAHP. The upshot was we found a reliable child minder and she only saw the baby at weekends. Use a childminder, MIL does need to be responsibile if she is offering to do this.

Pachyderm1 · 21/01/2019 16:21

I don’t think she will ever be reliable OP. Maybe it is too much for her, but if so she should have said instead of leaving you in the lurch several times. So I get your frustration. But I think you will have to take the financial hit and pay for someone reliable.

Original poster
piraterach · 21/01/2019 16:21

Sorry, you're right the word "confront" wasn't right. I just want advice on how to tackle talking to her about this. I asked on here first as I wanted to get other people's opinions on the subject from a different perspective.

It was MIL who suggested this arrangement and we have been entirely flexible with all requests so far but letting me know 30 minutes before pickup isn't on.

Those who gave the help by saying maybe she's trying to let you down, Thankyou. I think this may be it and full time childcare will be the answer

OP posts:
SillyLittleBiscuit · 21/01/2019 16:22

Sounds like she doesn't want to do it anymore. Could've been too much or she could feel like she's being taken for granted. I'd suggest saying are you still keen on looking after GC or should we book CM full time' and be grateful she's helped out at all regardless of how she replies.

MoreCheeseDear · 21/01/2019 16:22

She doesn't want to do it. Find an alternative. She's obviously finding it too much.

zippey · 21/01/2019 16:22

Have you thought about offering her money for her services? But yes it sounds like she doesn’t really want to be your free childcare.

Ohnonotuagain · 21/01/2019 16:25

Sounds like youre taking the piss and aren't getting the major hints she doesn't want to do it anymore.

Inertia · 21/01/2019 16:25

Just organise full time childcare.

Laiste · 21/01/2019 16:25

No no no OP! Now come on, that's not what we come to AIBU for! You're supposed to argue and strop and drip-feed! Not take the advice on board!

Way too reasonable your last post WinkGrin

LordPickle · 21/01/2019 16:25

My MIL did this to us. When I went back to work after mat leave, she was so offended that I would only let her keep DS one day a week as she had assumed she would have him 5 days. About a month in, she began making excuses and would text me every single week to ask if she needed to keep him. Also she complained constantly about how hard it was to watch him. I grew tired of it very quickly and ended the arrangement.

I think the idea of helping with childcare is often better than the reality for GP. You really need to knock it on the head because she most likely doesn't want to do it anymore.

SilverySurfer · 21/01/2019 16:26

I would like her to continue with childcare as it saves us a lot of money

There's nothing like stating the obvious but you have a damn cheek suggesting she should be 'confronted' over this. It's your child, so you will need to pay for childcare like millions of other parents and not assume your MiL will do it. Your sense of entitlement is astonishing. Take your head out of your arse and think about this from her point of view.

Laiste · 21/01/2019 16:26

Mind you that won't stop 101 posts after this urgently telling you what you've already acknowledged :)

SilverySurfer · 21/01/2019 16:27

X posted - I'm glad you see things differently.

Ultramic · 21/01/2019 16:28

Sounds like she facies having the LO when she fancies, when it's good for her? Is that right?

But for you, having a set routine when she has the LO is vital. I understand that.

I'd arrange other childcare for reliable childminding during the working week, and allow MIL to spend quality time with LO at weekends.

areyoureallysaying · 21/01/2019 16:29

OMG! Yet another example of someone purely asking for advice and being totally jumped on!
Calling OP a CF and saying she should of thought of this pre baby helps how?
I would simply sit down with her over a cuppa and explain that you love the idea of her spending time with your little one (that grandparent relationship can be so special) but you're worried that its too much of a commitment and that your CM also needs a more definite arrangement.
Hope it works out

artemisdubois · 21/01/2019 16:31

Wow. If you need more reliable childcare, you pay for it.

yoyo1234 · 21/01/2019 16:31

I think it rude of the MIL to cancel at late notice if OPs job relies on it and if MIL suggested ( including stating which afternoons she wished to do).

AutumnCrow · 21/01/2019 16:31

Good for you, OP.

Good luck with the hundreds and hundreds of replies slagging you off all day, though Grin

wildone03 · 21/01/2019 16:31

I would just say to her that whilst you appreciate the childcare she has done up til this point you think it best moving forward that you book your LO in the with childminder for the future and that why you don't have to stress about finding last minute childcare should she not be able to assist.

theworldistoosmall · 21/01/2019 16:33

She probably thought at the time it would be a great idea. Having fond memories of hers when they were little, forgetting how hard work they are. And the thought of doing it for years and reality has set it.
It's also possible that she did forget an appointment. I have done it myself and nothing would keep me away from an emergency medical appointment.

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