to ask if you would see this as a red flag?

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

I dont yet live with my oh but have been together a few years. I have a child from a previous relationship.
We were discussing living together and how much mortgage to borrow. I said whatever we borrow we will pay 50/50. We have agreed that owning tenants in common and a deed of trust is sensible. I suggested we dont overstretch as we both would like to have a baby. I mentioned that during my mat leave he may need to pay a little more of mortgage for a few months while im on mat leave. I said that the stat mat leave will cover my phone and bills etc but not enough for the mortgage. He then said "well u wont have a phone" . He was clearly joking but ive told him in the past i dont find these jokes funny. He said of course i wouldnt take your phone off you! Would your partner make these silly jokes? Would you find it irritating?

He knows im independent and can take care of myself and apart from a few months on mat leave i will be paying half of our mortg and bills etc but i hate the jokes!

In the past ages ago he asked how id feel about paying all my salary into his account and he gives me an allowance.. i laughed at him and said hell no! He has got better with the silly comments but this recent one has really irritated me..i dont find it funny! Am i over reacting?

No

Maybe he is making a little dig about how much time you spend on your phone if that's the only thing he's make a crack about.

i dont think you're over reacting, I don't think I'd be having a baby with him as it doesn't sound like he realises he's have to pay in more while you're off, serious conversations needed before any commitments made.

This on its own wouldnt bother me if its his sense of humour...but are there other signs of nit picking with finances? Does he insist on splitting the cost of a meal or food shop etc?

Depends if it was actually a joke or not and only you know that. Suggest having a joint bank account that everyone's wages goes into and the mortgage and bills come out of and then split what ever is left, because if you going to be together for ever own a house and have children etc then that is what is fair IMO. If he thinks that's a crazy idea I think you havenyour answer.

Er, I would be more concerned that he actually floated the idea of paying YOUR salary into HIS bank account and he gave you an allowance! I would be careful, OP. He might just be joking but with some people these 'little jokes' are passive aggression and it might be what he is really thinking. Honestly, your OP sounds mild and only you can judge but if your spidey senses are tingling, I would go with your gut.

Only fools... he used to be awful with money.. very tight.. splittimg every meal bill and food shop and commenting if i spent 5p on a carrier bag. Hes still very pro saving and uses every voucher going but hes more genetous with me now. He said a few yrs ago he wouldnt want to be "taken for a ride". I pulled him up on all this and now hes so much better... he pays for one meal and i pay the next without him pedantically keeping track of how much we each spend to make sure its totally "even". I wonder if im over analysing due to how he used to be

I dont think anyone on MN can make a judgement on a jokey comment when we have zero idea of your relationship dynamics.
For example if my DH said that id laugh and know it was a joke.
If my EA ex said that 14 years ago...i wouldnt find it funny in the slightest. He was a controlling fucker.

The phone thing - without hearing it for real could just be a silly comment.

The question about finances - hmmm. Not good. I mean, WHY would it all need to be in his account? Getting a joint account for both of you, fine, but why pay all of your money to him only to get an 'allowance' back (I'm 'allowed' to spend all my fucking money thanks)?

The worst of my abusive exes made out everything was a joke. Except it never was a joke.

I'm thibin red flag. Sorry.

I don't think his jokes are actually jokes. He's testing to see how much you'll put up with. He'd actually like to give you an allowance of your own money. Don't have a child with him. Don't make yourself financially vulnerable. Don't move in.

In the past ages ago he asked how id feel about paying all my salary into his account and he gives me an allowance

This is a bit

I think intrinsically mean people never change. A future with children could be utter misery.

paying your salary into his account?

finish this now.

Thecat.. the suggedtion of my salary into his bank account was something he mentioned 2 yrs ago .. he is very good at saving and inestment shares etc plus he was a little weird with money and balue 4 money etc.. he thought hes better with money and will make it go further than i do! Hence the suggestion! I quickly said hell no and spije to him about his weird obsession with penny pinching. Hes much better now and genuinely has changed and is more generous and less obsessive with money and saving now. The comment was definitely a joke but i guess its just made me slightly irritated that altho he has changed the fact he would even maje thst silly comment!

@Krustykittens Why? I pay all my salary into my husbands bank account and live off an allowance. It sounds old fashioned and controlling but by pooling our salaries and managing the money jointly we are ahead on our mortgage and jointly save for holidays and other expenses. My allowance is to do with as I please, I can splurge or save it because all of our other expenses are covered jointly. Sometimes the joint approach works well !

But I will say that that you either need to have 100% trust or a joint bank account for this approach to work and i'm also confident that if I controlled the money we would probably be living in a gutter LOL

Nope OP I don’t like the sound of that one little bit.

If you live together fine, do tenants in common and 50:50 split on ownership this is sensible especially as you aren’t married, but I don’t see how that has to translate into paying exactly half of the mortgage each forevermore. If you are moving in together and becoming a family it just becomes a shared cost no?

I’m with Shoxfordian. I think he’s testing the boundaries for financial domination and coercive control.
So far he’s backed off when challenged, but these men escalate such abuse during pregnancy, when you will be financially vulnerable.
Please don’t have a child with him and don’t become financially dependent on him.

what Shoxfordian said

terrible idea to have a child with him. Terrible.

I pay all my salary into my husbands bank account and live off an allowance. It sounds old fashioned and controlling but by pooling our salaries and managing the money jointly we are ahead on our mortgage and jointly save for holidays and other expenses

Me and DH pool our salaries and manage our money jointly.... its called having a joint bank account. I would never pay my salary into an account I couldn't manage.

Babdoc yes thats sort of my concern that hes just been supressing it. The thing is tho he knows how independwnt i am. If we had a baby and he started actually being comtrolling id be straight back to work and would end it and buy on my own as i have my own equity. He wants a happy family life and i think he would be careful not to be too controlling or id end it but i dont even want him thinking about how controlling he can be before i end it if u know what i mean. He didnt have many gfs before me and had no idea.. i feel like ive been training him lol..ie to treat me to a meal out then i treat him next week.. basic things

The problem with men like his comes once you have children- from my experience these types of men dont see childcare as a job and resent you taking mat leave.

So far he’s backed off when challenged, but these men escalate such abuse during pregnancy, when you will be financially vulnerable

Absolutely this. It doesnt matter how "independant" you think you are having a baby together changes everything. No woman should be financially worse off within a relationship when it is a joint decision to have a baby, with normal decent men it's not a concern. With abusive men however it's different.

It sounds to me like he's been suppressing his controlling nature just enough to convince you.

It's not your job to train your boyfriend op

All these comments are not jokes, they're his intentions

@lagunabubbles I have access to all the accounts online and have no concerns at all. I am the one who holds the saving account which has more money in it than his current account. The mortgage is joint. It just the way he have things split and works for us.