to ask if you would see this as a red flag?

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

I dont yet live with my oh but have been together a few years. I have a child from a previous relationship.
We were discussing living together and how much mortgage to borrow. I said whatever we borrow we will pay 50/50. We have agreed that owning tenants in common and a deed of trust is sensible. I suggested we dont overstretch as we both would like to have a baby. I mentioned that during my mat leave he may need to pay a little more of mortgage for a few months while im on mat leave. I said that the stat mat leave will cover my phone and bills etc but not enough for the mortgage. He then said "well u wont have a phone" . He was clearly joking but ive told him in the past i dont find these jokes funny. He said of course i wouldnt take your phone off you! Would your partner make these silly jokes? Would you find it irritating?

He knows im independent and can take care of myself and apart from a few months on mat leave i will be paying half of our mortg and bills etc but i hate the jokes!

In the past ages ago he asked how id feel about paying all my salary into his account and he gives me an allowance.. i laughed at him and said hell no! He has got better with the silly comments but this recent one has really irritated me..i dont find it funny! Am i over reacting?

Will he expect you to pay all the childcare costs? What will happen if you are unable to return to work (due to illness or a special care baby or similar?).

I personally wouldn’t have another baby without the legal protections of marriage - that’s what it exists for.

KrispyKracker It's one thing paying into your husband's account, quite another to pay into the account of a man you are living with. But as Laguna said, why can't it be a joint account? No way would I be paying into an account I have no control over either, I'm not a child to be managed.

I once read in a Raj Persuad (sp) book about a technique of testing a relationship where you invented a little scenario where you needed extra emotional support from your DP (when you didn't actually), to see how they would respond as a way of testing the waters before a real need for their support iyswim. Not the sort of game playing I'd usually condone, however in your case I would do this with an imaginary scenario whereby you'd need a little extra financial support from your DP. Bank account frozen due to a technical error, some unforeseen expense that has cropped up, whatever seems feasible and that he might reasonably be able to assist with financially. It's not just the money itself either, it's how he reacts to your distress over it. Does he offer a sympathetic and 'we're in this together, we will work it out' approach, or is it 'how could you be so stupid, you'll have to dig yourself out, I'm not forking out' attitude? Observe him carefully. Before living together and connected forever by your planned future child, I would want to know exactly how he could be expected to behave in this regard. Mainly because from what you've described, the signs aren't good
Personally, I could never plan a long term future as you hope for with someone as you've described, even if their behaviour had improved. When the heat is on, ie you're skint, vulnerable, whatever, those demons will return I'm afraid. Wish you the best.

My DH has one girlfriend before me. He’d been with her about 2 months and she lived in a different country.

I didn’t have to train him for anything.

I’d be wary of being in a relationship with any person whose values are not aligned with yours. ‘Training’ is for animals, not partners.

I don’t think the joke about the phone is a massive red flag but the previous stinginess is a concern and I’d be very wary.

Agree with him but tell him you will be invoicing him for 50% of the childcare you give your joint child.

The thing is, YOU think it's a red flag. Listen to that inner voice.

I think his 'jokes' are testing the water. Seeing what he might be able to get away with.

His love of money sounds as if it would keep interfering with his love for you.

krispy you are married. Key difference.
Run very far away op.

@krustyKittens. Neither am I - I'd like to see my husband try . We have done it this way for years, even before we were married. I guess it's a mutual trust thing and shared mutual goals. We've paid off one mortgage and on our way to the second being clear, we are just pulling in the same direction to want to be financially stable. Might not work for everyone but works for us and not every man is out to control his partner. I hope OP works what is right for her.

He said a few yrs ago he wouldnt want to be "taken for a ride". I pulled him up on all this and now hes so much better...

No he isn’t and you will see when you have a child with him. I really wouldn’t if I were you.

I think it depends if its habit or attitude. Habits can change. My oh used to be v pernickety about anything that came out of the household account, but now realises often it's swings and roundabouts and is positively blasé about it. Likewise always bought cheapest everything but now can decide if it's worth extra for quality or just paying for the brand.
I would always take my 'allowance' or whatever you call your personal money before putting communal money in a joint account, which works well as long as you are clear what it covers and can adapt over time.
Be clear about baby expenses (clothes, childcare, activities and everything don't let him be mean about it.

It’s also a married thing. To have a child unmarried and to give up work is especially crazy as many, many threads on here can attest.
Given the op’s name I’m not hopeful

Even if you love and trust your husband 100% you should never pay your salary into his account. It needs to be a joint account.

Our salaries go into our separate current accounts, we each put in a % of our salary into a joint current account for mortgage/bills/food and then we have separate savings accounts.

I like having the peace of mind of my own savings that only I control.

I would be massively wary. He's better now because he knows h has to act like a normal human being in order to stay with you. Once you're in a vulnerable position i.e pregnant with his child and connected to him forever then he has no reason at all not to revert type. I never make the kind of "jokes" that your DP does because it's not on my radar at any level so it simply doesn't occur to me, joking or not. Just like I wouldn't make, say, a racist comment in jest either. Which is why his latest comment is a massive red flag.

fwiw while DH and I have wildly differing views and opinions on all kinds of everything, our views on shared finances and spending habits in general are absolutely in harmony with each other (thank goodness). There have been many times, whether we were rolling in money (very short lived!), utterly brassic (quite a few times) and just about getting along ok (most of the time), when we've discussed that this has been a life-saver relationship wise. Money is such fundamental part of life.

Imho it doesn't really matter how a couple arrange their finances as long as each is really and truly HAPPY with the arrangement; discussing it, planning it, living with it and crucially, changing it again when things change - ie one of you isn't happy with it any more.

I find the idea of training your partner just odd.

Mine could iron, do his laundry, clean up properly, cook amazingly and was extremely generous. He was only 24 when we started going out!!

Surely this is more normal than having to constantly remind someone it’s nice to share the financial burden?!

Nope, the second you have a baby with him and he is paying more he will start controlling you. He's just waiting for the opportunity. Not a chance I'd have a baby with him.

Things don't always go to plan op. There might come a time when you have to rely on him financially, you might not be able to work after the birth as quickly as you'd like. This is not a man I'd trust.

Joint account here and have done ever since living together. We don't have an allowance as such but if need something we buy it. We aren't big spenders though so works for us. I deal with all finance end of things, bills, sorting saving for holidays but all from joint account

The thing is, YOU think it's a red flag. Listen to that inner voice.

I agree wholeheartedly with this advice. I had niggles like this with my husband at the beginning, I excused them away, when I really should have followed my instincts...

Though I love my children, if I had my time again I would not have had them with him. Like pps have said, he hid his true colours incredibly well until I was pregnant. I’m thoroughly stuck now and financially vulnerable. If you’re having doubts OP don’t let your desire for children/a house rush you in to a situation you may regret. Wishing you luck

I'm with "BettyDuMonde".
Once maternity leave is over, ongoing childcare can eat up loads of money. That cost should be shared, and not be seen (as it often is) as the expense of the mother who is working. Have you thought about discussing that? [if using relatives, that isn't always entirely free of cost, and nor are older children!]

I don't think those are red flags, but it sounds like you're wanting to punish him over past questionable behaviour.

The important thing is to discuss in detail how finances will work once you get pregnant, Before it happens.

I think you could be setting yourself up for a fall here OP.
I may be wrong, but these silly comments he makes, due to past experience, make me think that he is testing the waters somewhat.

Yeah, it's a red flag.
He's turned it into a joke to hide how he truly felt about it - his automatic reaction to "unfairness" in payment was to tell you that you'd have to go without something, rather than him picking up the payment for you for a short while.
Easy to say "Hey I'm joking" afterwards, but in all honesty that sort of response would never cross most generous people's minds in the first place!

He might have eased up a bit, but once you're in a vulnerable position, I wouldn't trust him not to revert to how he was before, especially with his concerns about being "taken for a ride".

Does he talk about SAHMs as gold-diggers at all? or non-working wives? Or in fact anyone who is with someone who earns a lot more than they do?

He clearly has issues about women not "paying their way" and "taking HIS money" - can't see that changing in reality.

He is telling you loud and clear who he is and how he really thinks

isitthattime in what way do you perceive OP as wanting to punish him? Genuine question as I haven't got that from her posts at all