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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you would see this as a red flag?

84 replies

Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon · 21/01/2019 11:41

I dont yet live with my oh but have been together a few years. I have a child from a previous relationship.
We were discussing living together and how much mortgage to borrow. I said whatever we borrow we will pay 50/50. We have agreed that owning tenants in common and a deed of trust is sensible. I suggested we dont overstretch as we both would like to have a baby. I mentioned that during my mat leave he may need to pay a little more of mortgage for a few months while im on mat leave. I said that the stat mat leave will cover my phone and bills etc but not enough for the mortgage. He then said "well u wont have a phone" . He was clearly joking but ive told him in the past i dont find these jokes funny. He said of course i wouldnt take your phone off you! Would your partner make these silly jokes? Would you find it irritating?

He knows im independent and can take care of myself and apart from a few months on mat leave i will be paying half of our mortg and bills etc but i hate the jokes!

In the past ages ago he asked how id feel about paying all my salary into his account and he gives me an allowance.. i laughed at him and said hell no! He has got better with the silly comments but this recent one has really irritated me..i dont find it funny! Am i over reacting?

OP posts:
DayManChampionOfTheSun · 21/01/2019 13:03

Ooh this would be a huge red flag to me! Not really the phone comment as such, it's an odd joke but I could imagine me or dp saying this to each other if talking about money saving, more likely, omg we have to get rid of everything we don't need! We'll have to get rid of food, phones, stop using the water etc (escalating as much as possible to add humour to a stressful conversation)

The salary into his account however, this is not a joke. I can't see any situation that this would be funny. It would really worry me, I think he has the potential to insist on this if you were to end up on Mat leave.

Juells · 21/01/2019 13:08

If it's joked about it's been thought about. That's how I'd see it, anyway. Would it even occur to you to joke that he pays all his salary into your bank account, and you give him an allowance? If not, why would it occur to him? For him, it's a possibility :(

TheNoodlesIncident · 21/01/2019 13:12

Many a true word spoken in jest, OP...

That's the actual way he thinks, or it wouldn't have entered his head to say those things.

I would definitely see it as a red flag, and definitely separating, thankful I hadn't been tied to him already

TowelNumber42 · 21/01/2019 13:22

He thinks women tend to take men for a ride. Massive red flag.

I'd tell him his jokes about maternity got you thinking. Ask him to have a think about how he would expect work, childcare, childcare costs, bills, maternity pay etc to work if you two get married and have children. The logic behind his plans will be telling: marriage as partnership or marriage as controlling a wife's natural tendency to be a lazy golddigger.

Juells · 21/01/2019 13:24

Even with a decent partner, the first year of a baby's life is the time when women are at their most vulnerable, no matter how independent they are normally. It's also the time when some men take the opportunity to put all kinds of controlling behaviour in place. He's already signalled how his brain is working - control your money, and control your access to a phone on the grounds of 'expense'.

Huskylover1 · 21/01/2019 13:26

Personally, I think you have enough red flags here, to make some bunting.

His excessive stingyness at the start, about meals out etc, calculating things to the penny. Really? Plus his recent comments are not funny.

I would urge you, for your own well being, to please not have a baby with this man, without the protection of marriage. That way, if it all goes tits up, a few years from now, you have the complete protection of the law, in so much as you will have a 50% claim of any assets amassed during the period of the marriage (including his pension), no matter who paid for it.

What if you return to work Part time? Will he still expect you to pay 50% of the bills, thus having virtually nothing left over (whilst he has loads left over)?

Does he understand that he will have to pay 50% of any Nursery fees?

There was a lady on here recently, whose Partner expected her to still pay for half of everything, when she was on Mat Leave (and later once she was working part time), plus he demanded that she pay 100% of nursery fees. She was totally trapped.

My long marriage of 20 years went horribly wrong, when I found out that he'd been shagging multiple other women. At that point, my husband had worked continually, and had worked his way up the career ladder and was earning almost £100k, and had a nice fat Pension Pot. I, on the other hand, was working part time around the children, on a very low wage and with a small pension pot. The protection of marriage, meant that I walked away with over 50% of the assets and was able to start again. Had I simply been living with him, I would have had no option to leave.

It's all very well, being all hearts and flowers now, when things seem exciting (moving in and having a baby), but think with your head and not your heart. You have no idea what state your relationship could be in, in 10 years time. Do not sacrifice your financial stability for any man. They can change overnight, and fuck you over like you wouldn't believe. Don't risk it for yourself, and for your existing child and the roof over his head.

BettyDuMonde · 21/01/2019 13:33

Wise words from Huskylover - please take notice of them, OP.

Original poster
Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon · 21/01/2019 14:30

Thanks everyone for your comments.. re marriage it wouldnt protect me or have any impact as we are keeping our equity /deed of trust maybe after marriage. He has more equity and a huge pension than me and if we split he would want back everything he had before we lived together (rightly so). Alos my house equity at the moment should go to my son. The new mortgage will be 50 /50 though and if im on mat /reduce my hours he will pay more but i would expect that to still be split 50/50 if we split. We had a huge discssion about it as he brought up the deed of trust issue.. saying if one of us had an affair the other could screw over financially! .. as have many people he knows apparently "she took the lot!". Ive explained to him aftet u have a child together any equity should be 50/50 regardless of who pays the mortgage so he gets this now. (By the way i 99.9% he wouldnt cheat). I wouldnt either but again interesting he thinks like that..hes spent years building his money and equity up and is hell bent on protecting it. I have told him i dont want his money!!! Ive got my own.

I do agree that most people wouldnt even think of saying the phone comment and so its not good that was the first thought that entered his head :-/

OP posts:
FlamingJuno · 21/01/2019 14:36

I don't think his jokes are actually jokes. He's testing to see how much you'll put up with. He'd actually like to give you an allowance of your own money. Don't have a child with him. Don't make yourself financially vulnerable. Don't move in.

This ^

formerbabe · 21/01/2019 14:38

In the past ages ago he asked how id feel about paying all my salary into his account and he gives me an allowance

Shock tell him to go fuck himself

OopsInamechangedagain · 21/01/2019 14:40

Marriage would protect you if you reduced your earning capacity due to having this man's child as you'd be entitled to a percentage of the pension he accrues during your marriage as well as possibly more rights when it comes to staying put in the house, and it might well affect what percentage of marital assets you'd be entitled to if you're the resident parent for your child.

He seems to have brainwashed you into thinking 50/50 is the fair thing to do regardless of your family's circumstances. Having a baby together changes everything.

to ask if you would see this as a red flag?
Aeroflotgirl · 21/01/2019 14:43

Huge red flags, he is not joking, but showing you who he is, listen and take notice. Also the potential for him to financially abuse is there, he has been not just cautious but very tight with money, that level of tightness would be a dealbreaker. Don't move in with him, and don't have a baby with him.

Annasgirl · 21/01/2019 14:45

Loads of red flags. Leave the relationship, do not move in together and never have a child with him.

Mrskeats · 21/01/2019 14:57

Of course marriage would protect you. To get spousal maintenance, for example, you need to be married.
I wish people would understand that marriage is different to living together.

Original poster
Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon · 21/01/2019 15:09

I do understand re spousal maint! He would prob want us just to keep updating the deed trust/ wills etc..well almost a pre nup but not necessarily.. i work 24 hrs at the mo and will continue to do that. Apart from half the joint equity we build up i wouldnt take spousal or his pension. If i gave up work it would be different though

OP posts:
Original poster
Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon · 21/01/2019 15:10

The arguement for spousal/pension is more if u give up work or reduce your hours which i wont be

OP posts:
BettyDuMonde · 21/01/2019 15:24

You don’t know that though, there is no way to know what will happen* in the future - unless he’s planning on reducing his own hours and doing 50% of the childcare until the child is 18, you will never have equality of earning potential.

*I’ve not earned a penny in 6 months since my previously perfectly healthy 6 year old was diagnosed with a life threatening illness. Unforeseen circumstances, innit.

Juells · 21/01/2019 15:25

I don't understand the tenants-in-common and deed of trust thing. If you had a baby with him I'd want some arrangement in writing, legally binding, that you could take over the mortgage if you split up, or pay rent to him, or something that wouldn't leave you in such a vulnerable position as to risk being homeless with children.

Mrskeats · 21/01/2019 15:25

It must be amazing to see into the future Hmm

BettyDuMonde · 21/01/2019 15:26

Prenups aren’t legal in the U.K. btw - if you are determined to have a baby with this man without marrying him you should at least take professional legal and financial advice first.

Missingstreetlife · 21/01/2019 15:30

You don't know what will happen, you or your child or he could be ill, made redundant, have an accident....
These things recognise your contribution to the household which helps him earn more and a bigger pension which you might expect to benefit from
So yes, keep what you had before and 50/50 from then, but look at what you would get if married and divorced, don't agree to less or you could end up in court fighting for your child's rights.

Missingstreetlife · 21/01/2019 15:37

Why are you paying half if he earns more? He will be building up savings and could walk away leaving you nothing. Joint tenants is safer, wills can be changed you know, is he leaving you his share and savings? This sounds like a bad attitude to me unless he is just horribly thoughtless. Get some advice together, and separately for you and think carefully before you sign or make a move

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/01/2019 15:46

apparently "she took the lot!" sorry but reading this as him assuming a woman, most likely a mother, shouldnt get a fair share in the face of a split.
A partner is someone you're supposed to lean on and grow with, his obsession with "his money" "his share" and "his earnings"...sounds like his life partner is his money.

Annasgirl · 21/01/2019 15:59

Ok so you are not listening to us OP. You asked if this was a red flag we all said yes, more so after yiur updates. You couod walk away, find someone else who is not mean and misogynistic and then have a relationship of equality and respect but it seems you are hell bent on having a child with this man. I despair.

Juells · 21/01/2019 16:03

OP, you are allowed to protect yourself, you know. You are allowed to look into the future and see that you won't be as financially secure as you are now, if things go wrong with your 'DP'. You already have a child, whose security you need to think about. You seem to be so eager to be fair to him and not make him feel threatened that you're not seeing the dicey situation you'll be in if you have a child with someone who's financially controlling.

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