to ask if you would see this as a red flag?

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

I dont yet live with my oh but have been together a few years. I have a child from a previous relationship.
We were discussing living together and how much mortgage to borrow. I said whatever we borrow we will pay 50/50. We have agreed that owning tenants in common and a deed of trust is sensible. I suggested we dont overstretch as we both would like to have a baby. I mentioned that during my mat leave he may need to pay a little more of mortgage for a few months while im on mat leave. I said that the stat mat leave will cover my phone and bills etc but not enough for the mortgage. He then said "well u wont have a phone" . He was clearly joking but ive told him in the past i dont find these jokes funny. He said of course i wouldnt take your phone off you! Would your partner make these silly jokes? Would you find it irritating?

He knows im independent and can take care of myself and apart from a few months on mat leave i will be paying half of our mortg and bills etc but i hate the jokes!

In the past ages ago he asked how id feel about paying all my salary into his account and he gives me an allowance.. i laughed at him and said hell no! He has got better with the silly comments but this recent one has really irritated me..i dont find it funny! Am i over reacting?

Is this a red flag? You know the answer yourself so I do not know why you are even asking??? This man has a history of meanness and you really have to ask that question??

Have you actually had a proper conversation about how having a joint dc will affect assets and finances if you split?
Or...The argument for spousal/pension is more if u give up work or reduce your hours which i wont be
You could have an accident tomorrow and end up disabled, unable to work/full time again due to health reasons, or your joint dc could have needs that mean one of you has to be a SAHP.
Have you both actually discussed these scenarios and how you'd handle them?
*Have you actually discussed how he'd feel/what would happen if, for whatever reason, you HAD to rely on his wage only?

He's wearing a MASK op.
It's beginning to slip the more 'real' your relationship gets.
He's not making jokes even though they may be disguised as one.
He's actually telling you what worries him and how he'd handle it.

Ah woman - you want to be a fool so go be one.
Or at least read the countless threads on here written by unmarried mothers left high and dry by their 'he would NEVER do that!' partners.

If you only work 24 hours why would you be paying half?
How much does he earn compared to you?
Are you receiving benefits you would lose if you move in with him?
I guess he wont be going half on expenses for your existing child?

It sounds as well as if he is expecting you to totally pay for your child if you move in together? Is that right?

I dont get any benefits. I get child maintenance which pays for my child. He earns 10k more than me but he chooses to put alot into his pension so we actually take home similar amounts althonhe takes a bit more home than me. I wanted to pay everything 50/50 and get back 50/50. If we had a child together he would pay more mortgage but i would still get back 50/50 of the mortgage we jointly own. His pension is his and mine is mine (yes his pension is a lot more than mine but tahts just how it is). We are both late 30s and met when we had our own lives and careers its very diff to if u meet aged 20 and have 3 kids, mum stays home, no job career or pension then u split 30 yrs later.. we are both established in late 30s. Yes any joint equity after a baby would be 50 50

Its all very complicated but i didnt comment to get advice on splitting and finances altho it is appreciated. But we are late 30s and i have my own income and my own equity already. If we split i dont want his pension as i have my own... Its more just whether or not his comment is a conrolling flag and ive had lots of good answers .

You need to think about it though. If he is a good person he will want you and your dc to be ok if you split, if he dies or stay together. I do think it's fine to keep assets you have now, but going forward should be equal, either he pays more so you can save, or you have a share in his pension. You already said he's not that generous, which is another way a higher earner can even things up- better holidays or nice gifts, paying for childcare, your pension, dental treatment etc. More than splitting is the possibility you or he hit hard times. I have a feeling he can rely on you more than you can on him. Check it out, talk to him, but don't sell yourself short. Yes 30 is adult and not like 20, but you might have 60 years of him being better off than you, it might grate after a while. He can retire but you can't. You want things for your kids but he doesn't agree. Better to have joint decisions or fair shares or you will be always at his mercy or lagging behind. I would rather have half of a little with someone poor but generous, than be beholden or supplicant to someone mean for a quarter of what I'm worth. He may change, see your point, but it's not coming naturally. You've done well to make your point so far but you will have to hold your corner, it looks like you are losing the grip already and undervalue yourself. He should point that out but he isn't. Gd luck

Hmm. Okay to say they’re jokes but stuff like that wouldn’t occur to someone that didn’t think that way. It’s hardly like it was ever an obvious joke!

Why have another child?

You have 1 already.Takes all your energy. Believe me. I'm a mum who did it single for 20 years.

Have a fling instead. Much more fun.

He sounds horrendous.