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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what motivates women toward affairs with married men

86 replies

linda30 · 20/01/2019 15:50

Let's be honest - it is not difficult for women to get sexual thrills, if you are feeling frisky it is as easy as swipping right on Tinder or going out. Married men are often not in top-shape and it'd be hard to reason they offer security. If you want to be cynical - financially, there can't be much gain either (existing commitments.) What is the attraction? I have to say I never really understood what is in it for the ladies.

OP posts:

funnylittlefloozie · 20/01/2019 15:52

Daily Mail journo trying to get an article written on the cheap?

FrankieHeckisinTheMiddle · 20/01/2019 15:53

Sometimes they don’t let on they’re married or claim to be separated when they’re certainly not. By then it’s too late and a lot of people believe they’re in love and have difficulty ending the affair.

KlutzyDraconequus · 20/01/2019 15:54

I don't understand why women pick lots of different types of men.

Druggies, alcoholics, thugs, football fans, top gear watchers, best wearers, men that wear athletic clothing but never exercise, men with missing teeth, men in shorts and flip flops, liars, ex prisoners, Ed Sheeran fans.

SaucyJack · 20/01/2019 15:54

I think a lot of serial bits on the side have low self-esteem.

They either don’t feel they deserve a normal happy relationship, or they like to boost their sense of self by “stealing” a man from his mumsy wife who’s at home with the children. Or a combination of both.

Or they’re very immature and just crave the dramz.

WestBerlin · 20/01/2019 15:56

I think it varies.

Some believe the lies a married man tells.
Some want the no strings attached style of ‘relationship’ and find married men suit the part.
Some don’t know the man is married.
Some want to feel like they’ve scored points or ‘won’ against another woman.
Some genuinely find a love match in a shit situation.

I don’t think there’s a one size fits all type of woman that goes for married men.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 20/01/2019 15:56

Ego trip. Boredom. Low self esteem.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 20/01/2019 15:57

My friend whose dh was a bit of an arsehole had an affair with her dh's best friend, purely out of spite

Original poster

linda30 · 20/01/2019 15:58

@KlutzyDraconequus Haha, to be honest I am with you there. None of these types ever appealed to me either

OP posts:

TheRhythmlessMan · 20/01/2019 15:59

@KlutzyDraconequus

I had an affair with a much older married man. My self esteem was low, it was nice to feel needed so desperately by someone who would risk his own marriage. I found it flattering.

The twat.

Original poster

linda30 · 20/01/2019 16:03

@TheRhythmlessMan That is interesting, thank you for sharing. Other posters also mention something akin to an ego / self esteem boost. Never thought of it that way.

OP posts:

Racecardriver · 20/01/2019 16:03

I would imagine that if the women in question are married themselves they think that the affair is less likely to be exposed ofvthe man is also married.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 20/01/2019 16:06

I had a very brief fling with a married man a month after my DH died. I'm not proud of it I think I was driven by grief and he was there for me. I've since found out he has sex with loads of women on the side, including one of my closest friends

OhThatsASnazzyBouquet · 20/01/2019 16:06

@Klutzy

Amanduh · 20/01/2019 16:08

Yeah, a man who listens to Ed Sheeran is totally the same as a married man with a wife and maybe kids, a life and responsibilites... and lying and cheating on them all

MistressDeeCee · 20/01/2019 16:16

They fancy the man. It's enough of a reason.

I've known friends who've dated MM and given the old "I didn't know"line. When after weeks they've not been anywhere near his home, much less seen the colour of his front door. & not met anyone he knows either.

I think it's like many things in life, people do what they want to do and you can't really analyse that.

MsVestibule · 20/01/2019 16:20

I don't think many women think 'hmm, which married man can I have a fling with?'. In my case, I 'fell in love' with a married man from the first moment I spoke to him on the phone - I've never felt that way before or since about anybody and I guess I decided to throw caution to the wind. Certainly not my finest moment but nothing to do with low self esteem.

Handsoffmysweets · 20/01/2019 16:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

UtterlyDesperate · 20/01/2019 16:28

I have a friend who is a serial married man dater: she says wants someone who is never going to want any more from her. I suspect it's more that she doesn't think she deserves more and this is a "convenient" excuse for not having a relationship of equals. She only started this route after a difficult divorce - she wasn't always like this. I've tried suggesting that she tries dating again, but she says her work takes too much of her time and she doesn't have more to offer. I think she is lying to herself.

I don't meet her men.

ivykaty44 · 20/01/2019 16:31

Op why start a thread about married men committing adultery and being unfaithful to their spouse and only asking why the woman is having an affair - it takes two people to have an affair - not just a line woman

Cookit · 20/01/2019 16:31

I really hate this looking at the woman’s motivation thing. It is the man who is cheating, not the woman they are having the affair with. It doesn’t make her a bad person, it’s him that has broken his vows.
I know being angry with the other woman can make forgiving a cheating spouse seem easier but that’s just hiding from the truth.

So in conclusion, the woman may not know the man is married or falls for him or just wants a fling, who knows...

MirriVan · 20/01/2019 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KlutzyDraconequus · 20/01/2019 16:32

Amanduh

You're of course right, liking Ed Sheeran is much worse...

Alanamackree · 20/01/2019 16:46

I think there’s a distinction to be made between someone who knowingly dates a married man, and someone who is unwittingly the OW.

I was the latter, and not particularly content in the relationship so binning him when I found out was easy. But I can appreciate that it could be difficult to extract yourself if you were committed.

My pride kicks in hard in relationship situations so playing the pick me dance is never going to be my style. I’m not afraid of being alone either and I would struggle to be with someone I didn’t respect.

Now I find it downright insulting to be propositioned as I don’t think it’s a compliment. I think married men looking for this kind of thing look for vulnerability in some form.

VirtuallyConfused · 21/01/2019 09:43

Accident, finding yourself crossing a line you'd never ever considered crossing because of a connection, even if both married.

Realising you need more than your DH is giving you but not wanting to destroy your family life, and finding someone in the same boat. There are a lot of married men feeling unwanted, not feeling like they get the intimacy and sex they crave. They don't want to leave their wives, but need more.

BlancheM · 21/01/2019 12:10

Spectacularly low self esteem and a misogynistic dislike of other women, to answer your question in a nutshell.

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