To ask what motivates women toward affairs with married men

[linda30]

Let's be honest - it is not difficult for women to get sexual thrills, if you are feeling frisky it is as easy as swipping right on Tinder or going out. Married men are often not in top-shape and it'd be hard to reason they offer security. If you want to be cynical - financially, there can't be much gain either (existing commitments.) What is the attraction? I have to say I never really understood what is in it for the ladies.

There's no single answer. Why would there be?

This question infers that the woman is to blame, corrupt Eve tempting away innocent Adam.
The man is the one with commitments and responsibilities- surely the question should be "Why do some men insist on acting like scumbags?"

If you've got low self esteem why on earth would that mean you'd have an affair? If you have that low opinion of yourself then I hardly think you'd be of the view that a man would risk his marriage for you.

The same woman can have different motivations at different times with different men.

Also her motivation can change during the relationship e.g. no strings fun sex can change to wanting a full time exclusive relationship if she falls for him.

Men act like scum bags because they are allowed to get away with it. Ever since the start of time. Unwed and pregnant the women is shunned the man gets away with it. Man cheats he leaves his wife looking after the children and running everything, nobody batts an eyelid.

Women are idiots for ever going near a man who’s not single purely because his not exactly a nice person if his willing to cheat is he? You know his morals are fucked from the off and that his willing to lie to get his cake and eat it.

It’s funny acceptable for a man to fuck off leaving the kids but if the women does it she’s vilified normally by other women.

As women we are our own enemies but worship all that man does apparently.

Klutzy, I'd add 'men who wear jeans', and 'men with facial hair'. Also 'men who wear smelly old t shirts' and 'men who ride motorbikes'. I'm not bothered about looks or weight, though.

It's emotionally safer in a way as they are not completely available, nor will they expect too much

Better quality men, the divorced ones are often bitter, the always single ones are a bit odd

I had a flat mate who shagged married men for sport. She got a kick out of being sexier than the boring old wives. She wasn’t very nice.

1. Married men are chilled, give it or take it, not keen and raw like single guys.

2. Some other woman has already vetted him.

3. They appear older and more sophisticated.

Sarah I think all the blame has to go with the adulterer, not the other woman for the reasons you stated.

But brizzle, the women I know who have found themselves in relationships or having encounters with married men time and again, have painfully low self esteem to the point of not liking other women as they see them all as rivals for male attention. They make comments like 'I don't really like women they're too bitchy I get on better with men'. Getting attention from taken men is a big ego boost for them and a way to get 'one up'. Most people have high enough self esteem that they don't feel the need to try to get such attention. The sad thing is, these men are only preying on the insecurities of these women. The women think they have something special to have distracted a married man but they can't see that they've only made a cheater's job much easier for them- no need to chase for their bit on the side when it's handed over on a plate.

Because some women are permanently in a competition with other women (as is evident on sahm/woh threads). They are 'better' than another woman if their husband wants them more. They've won. They're complete self absorbed arseholes in other words. And, yes, this all stems from low self esteem and thus a need to be constantly winning to make yourself feel better.

There’s an argument that when the woman knows the man is married then blame is 50/50. He is the one breaking the vows of course but some analogies may be:

• If you knowingly buy stolen goods. You didn’t steal it, but you are creating the market for it
• similar argument with downloading abusive images

I don’t think women will usually go and seek out a married man. Sometimes it might happen at work built on friendship and flirting sometimes, then office night outs.

Aah yes because its always the OW who pursued the poor helpless man

If I man is willing to have an affair it’s quite easy to extrapolate from that that his marriage is in poor shape

Bull shit.
Theres plenty Ty if men and women cheating that are in perfectly good relationships. They cheat because they can and don't think they'll get caught.

Basically, my stance on this is quite black and white and hard.
Someone cheating is the lowest form of pond scum.
Someone facilitating that cheating by knowingly having an affair with a partnered person, they're also lolife pond scum.

They can dress it up and justify it how they wish, but they're still both equally cunts of the highest order and deserve to end up old and alone.

Not everyone having an affair would want the man to get a divorce - what if they are also married or just want the sex?
Someone who is cheating on their partner is not in a good relationship! That doesn’t mean their partner is the one to blame but they obviously don’t treasure the relationship if they’re willing to risk it on an affair.
Which man out there is thinking - gosh I love my wife so much I’m going to sleep with another woman.

Plus men will, in general, lower their standards for woman they aren’t interested in having a commitment with.

I think this is one of the great misunderstandings . Men don't consciously 'lower their standards'. Potential partners genuinely become more attractive the more available they are (or appear to be).

From my own experience & friends experience you have low self esteem already and the man usually does the 'we don't sleep together anymore, I stay for the kids' or, pretends he's separated or single. Your self esteem is boosted that someone you perceive to be so nice (they are always natural flirts & schmoozers) wants you. They can be stunningly amoral & predatory: so don't always blame the gullible, low self worth OW. The 35yr old married man who pursued me when I was a vulnerable 19 & suicidal with grief for my Dad was a total sh*t.

No one, no one, has said the man isn't also at fault.
That isn't what the op is about.
It's about why do women do it.

And, what klutzy said.

'His marriage is in poor shape'

Or, his sex life isn't quite as exciting as it was twenty years ago pre-kids, but otherwise everything is fine and dandy.

Low self esteem. They believe it gives them some sort of power and control, that they have managed to ‘steal’ another woman’s man. All very pathetic.

Some women actually have no idea they’re still together though likewise some men will play the woe is me card and whinge about how they’re trapped in a sexless loveless marriage etc.

A former friend of mine did it (note the former). Started screwing her married much older boss (I could not see the appeal and he had a young DD too.) He told her they hadn’t had sex for years, that she’d serioisly let herself go and made no effort anymore, that they were hugely unhappy and barely spoke anymore etc. Friend fell for it all and to my surprise he did end up leaving the wife, that usually isn’t the case.

If a man is going home to his wife after sleeping with another woman he’s treating her horribly - doesn’t exactly say, loving respectful husband enjoying his marital union. I imagine it’s quite easy to think - fuck it he clearly doesn’t like his wife I’m not sure it matters if I sleep with him or not they’re going to break up anyway.

This isn’t me btw!

Thing is many men and women have affairs and they have no intention of ever leaving their wife/husband. They love their wife/husband (in a fucked up way) but they want the thrill of the chase/sex/ego boost as well because they are greedy and selfish and trust they are smart enough to not get caught thus having their cake and eating it.

The majority of affairs that end with the married couple separating is because the cheater is caught and forced to leave not because they picked to leave. If the cheater is going to leave willingly they do so pretty quickly within a couple of months normally. If he/she is still cheating after years they have no intention of leaving until forced too.

I couldn’t personally date a partnered person I would feel dirty and used, I’m too jealous as well and wouldn’t be able to stand the thought that he was going home to her, sharing a bed with her etc.

Name changed for this but I was the 'other woman' and he left his wife for me. We're now married with 2 kids.

I couldn't tell you what my motivation was- I knew from the start and I just fell in love. I didn't have low self esteem or a hatred for other women. I think by nature I'm quite a selfish person but other than that I couldn't give you an explanation.

Would I change anything if I could go back... no

In the majority of cases I suspect the fact that the man is married is not a factor in the attraction. Affairs usually arise because 2 people know each other well (usually via work, a hobby or part of same social group) and feelings gradually develop between the 2 and at some point they both 'give in' to the feelings and hey presto you have an affair.

It is bollocks to surmise that all women who have ever been involved with a married man are insecure/hate other women/evil slags etc etc

Yes there will be a minority who do it for sport I'm sure but it's ridiculous to suggest all do

Not everyone having an affair would want the man to get a divorce - what if they are also married or just want the sex?
Someone who is cheating on their partner is not in a good relationship! That doesn’t mean their partner is the one to blame but they obviously don’t treasure the relationship if they’re willing to risk it on an affair.
Which man out there is thinking - gosh I love my wife so much I’m going to sleep with another woman.

Everyone here is talking as if monogamy is the only viable option for a marriage. I've been with my wife for 20 odd years - married 16. I have never cheated on her. (Though I did hold hands with a woman as we watched a film once. That was a deeply strange and erotic moment.) She has had two affairs with other men (neither married) in that time. I knew about them at the time though I made it plain I didn't want to know details. She was happy that all that mattered. (The fact that they both turned out to be deeply flawed idiots and hurt her (not physically) shows what lousy taste my wife has in men - which is hardly flattering) but polyamorous relationships survive.

Honesty and openness is the key.