To ask what motivates women toward affairs with married men

[linda30]

Let's be honest - it is not difficult for women to get sexual thrills, if you are feeling frisky it is as easy as swipping right on Tinder or going out. Married men are often not in top-shape and it'd be hard to reason they offer security. If you want to be cynical - financially, there can't be much gain either (existing commitments.) What is the attraction? I have to say I never really understood what is in it for the ladies.

I don't think it is that easy for a woman to get sexual thrills. Yes, she could pick someone up fairly easily but what's to say she'd enjoy the experience? Women only truly fancy very few men, sexually.

Regarding an affair with a married man, some women like to have a secret life, it's exciting. Also minimal commitment, she can carry on life as a single woman if she enjoys being single. I can see the attraction, there's something exciting about it. Not saying I would ever have done or condone it but I understand the appeal.

Maybe the women are married too?

There really is some utter shite being spouted on this thread.

Was coming on to say pretty much what @shaggedthruahedgebackwards said.

Most affairs don't spring up out of nowhere. They're usually the result of two people being thrown together, and getting to know each other over a period of time.

The way people used to get together before tinder et al.

It's very simplistic to say that it's because the women has low self-esteem / a low moral compass - clearly that is sometimes the case, but such women also end up in relationships with single men, and many single men are total arseholes, as well.

Some of the ideas being punted up on this thread are total cringe - single men are raw? Married men have been 'vetted' by someone? Woman want an 'alpha male'? Are motivated primarily by a man's fertility?! If this were the case - everyone would be in relationships with unavailable people.

Where do these cod psychology ideas come from? Cosmo?

For the most part, affairs are the result of two people spending time together, liking each other, and not having the cop on / wherewithal / willingness to recognise what is happening, and address it.

Out of interest @sometimesitsawkward - in an alternative reality, where you could have changed something, you really wouldn't have made him single when you met him?

Why not?

@TheDowagerCuntess
Out of interest @sometimesitsawkward* - in an alternative reality, where you could have changed something, you really wouldn't have made him single when you met him?

Why not?*

Sorry- maybe I would, I was more going back to from after we met- not before.
But again I'm not 100% I would, I think circumstances and life experiences shape the person we are/become and had he been single he may have been a very different person to the one I fell in love with.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not proud of how we started our relationship, and it is very much unknown to most people in our lives. But I am - admittedly selfishly- happy with where I have ended up.

One thing to consider as well is that the available single men, once you're over about 40, are often a bit limited. Time and time again on here people will say "oh just move on, there are lots of lovely men out there". Truth to tell there often aren't, at least not those who are single.

Now, if you're halfway decent, reasonably moral, and like being on your own most of the time, you'll stick to being single rather than considering someone who is married. But honestly, after a while the day to day grind of being on your own can wear you down. Logically I know I don't want anyone who is married, because who wants a cheat? But I can see why some women, sometimes, would consider a married man because the alternative might seem like desperate loneliness. And yes, it's a shitty and selfish thing to do. But maybe sometimes people justify it to themselves somehow, when they look at the available alternatives - loneliness, or a relationship with someone who got left on the shelf for a reason.

Married people of both sexes stray on a frequent basis. The title of the thread seems to buy into the old myth that the OW is always to blame, which has the advantage of sparing the wronged wife/husband from blaming his/her philandering spouse, or looking with honesty at the state of the marriage. I don't think it makes one jot of difference whether the OW/M 'knowingly' sleeps with a married partner or not. The spouse is the one who made the commitment. Nobody owes loyalty to another person on the basis of shared gender.

As for motivation, I suspect that in many cases the 'married' bit is incidental. The OM/OW falls for the married person. The marriage itself doesn't seem all that important at this point. Gratification comes first, ramifications are tomorrow's problem.

Some people actively seek out married partners for a variety of complex reasons, chiefly avoiding complications and each knowing there's a line which won't be crossed. Again, the straying, committed party is chiefly to blame. Another scenario is an impulsive action that's a genuine mistake and afterwards regretted. This I'd possibly find forgivable - once. The others, not so much.

Or you could say why do married men cheat?

I guess they believe the lies they are fed by the married man, such as my wife is mad, abusive, we split up ages ago but I stay round for the kids, we have an open relationship, we haven't had sex for years...

It is bollocks to surmise that all women who have ever been involved with a married man are insecure/hate other women/evil slags etc etc

Of course it is, but it's less painful than admitting to yourself that you made a piss poor choice of partner and that even that poor choice of yours chose to cheat on you or even reject you completely for someone else.

Sorry not read the full thread but I have been there and I can honestly say that it was my low self esteem and total lack of self worth. I would never make the same mistake again. No excuse but I was young and incredibly naive/stupid.