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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hysterical and aggressive 9yo plz help

79 replies

Senioritafamiglia · 19/01/2019 18:39

Please can anyone offer advice.

My ds slept badly last night and had to be up early this morning for sports. He was clearly overtired. The meltdown he had this morning and then again this evening involved the following:

Screaming repeatedly at the top of his voice
Hitting me repeatedly
Jumping on my back
Screaming that I was a stupid woman and horrible parent repeatedly
Throwing his belongings around the room
Threatening to run away

Apart from tiredness there was no reason for this outburst. I tried to remain calm and to protect his sister while also keeping him safe.

Im surprised to find that my main emotion now he is quiet and possibly asleep is one of resignation that I can't stop him from doing this (this is probably the 4th time in 4 months he has been this bad), anger that he should behave so violently towards me, then with the absolute certainty that I won't forgive it or allow it in my home once he is 18, should it continue.

I have been in touch with Camhs for support previously, he doesn't remotely meet threshold I've been told and I have a private avenue for counselling and support I'm in the process of getting him.

What I think in my heart of hearts is that I am headed for the rockiest teen age years with a child who is effectively abusing me. I am clearly a completely ineffectual parent and I am totally ashamed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Senioritafamiglia · 19/01/2019 18:41

The one this morning lasted an hour as did the one this evening. I'm totally drained.

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 19/01/2019 18:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

FusionChefGeoff · 19/01/2019 18:43

What are the consequences for that behaviour?

UnicornSlaughters · 19/01/2019 18:45

If he was obviously overtired I probably would have made the call to keep him at home.

Aside from that, get yourself and your daughter out of harm's way and leave him to get on with trashing his room. Don't allow him to hit you. Straight to his room.

When he's calmed down he can tidy it all back up. He'll soon learn that's not an effective way to express himself.

XmasPostmanBos · 19/01/2019 18:47

How is his behaviour at school?

Greensleeves · 19/01/2019 18:47

How did you make contact with CAMHS before? They are ridiculously underresourced so it can be difficult to obtain much-needed support from them.

I would advise that you go to your GP (without ds) and explain everything and ask to be referred to CAMHS that way. Write down everything you can remember about every instance of the behaviour, all your concerns. Do the same with his teacher - ask for a meeting, share everything you're concerned about and ask for detail about his behaviour in school and any concerns they have. Schools can refer to CAMHS as well, and they have access to other interventions that parents can't access on their own.

Quartz2208 · 19/01/2019 18:47

what causes them and how do they start?

OyOy · 19/01/2019 18:49

I won't forgive it or allow it in my home once he is 18

Sounds like you've already written him off! -

He's 9 and probably hormonal.

This sounds like the way he expresses anxiety.

He needs professional counselling and support from you in order to find gain productive tools and tactics.

youarenotkiddingme · 19/01/2019 18:49

Great advice from green

Is it just these 4 instances? Or are there other developmental differences or concerns you have?

HollowTalk · 19/01/2019 18:49

Who else is at home, OP? Is it just the two of you?

What's he like in school?

imsorryiasked · 19/01/2019 18:49

I do sympathise OP, DD has similar outbursts. I can recommend The Explosive Child book (was 99p on kindle) it doesn't solve everything but it does give a different angle and approach on how to deal with it.
Flowers

ChairmanMiaow123 · 19/01/2019 18:51

Irrelevant, at the moment, FusionChef...

Original poster
Senioritafamiglia · 19/01/2019 18:51

Yes I was torn but he wanted to go and i felt he shouldnt let his team down as there was only the number of them playing and with one down, none of them would play, with parents travelling a long way for the event.

The consequences have been no treats , devices removed, straight to bed, etc.

He was fine with friends at the tournament. It was on the way back it kicked off again.

I know I know I know he's only 9 but I feel disgusted by his behaviour. I've got muscles which feel sprained in my back due to how hard he jumped on me, twice. I cant lock his door and he was rampaging the house, screaming, and screaming abuse at me. It was so distressing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Senioritafamiglia · 19/01/2019 18:54

I have the explosive child, will re read

Behaviour fine at school, exceeding ARE.

Actually it was my GP who said no chance of Camhs.

OP posts:
Somewhereovertheroad · 19/01/2019 18:55

Have a look at this https://www.partnershipprojectsuk.com

Original poster
Senioritafamiglia · 19/01/2019 18:55

Which is why I've spent quite a bit of time trying to find the right support privately.

I worry most he will be a self harming teen who I am scared to leave alone.

OP posts:
Somewhereovertheroad · 19/01/2019 18:56

There are parents courses run in different places.

SleepWarrior · 19/01/2019 18:57

This doesn't automatically mean you are headed for rocky teens and I don't think that mindset will really help you much anyway. Focus on the now and don't catastrophise (easier said than done I know!). And don't be ashamed, parenting is incredibly tough.

Firstly is there anything private you could access in terms of cahms?

What is he like at other times? Is this generally out of character or is he angry and struggling across the board?

As for things that you can do yourself, I'd probably suggest something along the lines of going to a drive through and getting a meal/hot chocolate then sitting in the car and eating it so you can have some trapped one on one talking time where the sole purpose isn't obviously 'having a chat'. And you can explain that you love him very much but the outbursts aren't acceptable and you want to help him. Ask him if there is anything he thinks that might help him before he's got to the point of kicking off that you put in place? And anything, however unrelated, that is bothering him that's he like to talk to you about.

Yes it's absolutely not OK to have your 9yo abusing you, but your best bet of fixing this is understanding what's going on inside his head to make it happen in the first place (anger and fear are often linked so he may feel utterly terrified that he is so out of control, you never know). You could also talk about what he feels a suitable punishment is (a week of no TV or tablet for instance) so that he is able to take a bit of control over the situation, within reason of course.

Claudia1980 · 19/01/2019 18:57

A tantrum like that which lasts over an hour? I’m sorry but that is not remotely normal behaviour for a 9 year old boy. He sounds very similar to our next door neighbors daughter. Her tantrums are extreme, aggressive and lengthy. I met her mum at school and she apologised and told me her daughter was autistic. Can you go to the education ministry as another avenue to get him assessed?

Believeitornot · 19/01/2019 18:58

Your answer is at the beginning of your post.

He was exhausted.

Back off from him when he’s tired. Just send him to bed and don’t engage. Don’t try and reason with him - it’ll make things worse.

When he’s calmer, remind him of good behaviour etc and any consequences.

But he’s still 9 - not a fully formed adult! My nine year old does kick off when exhausted. Better to treat him with kindness to avoid massive meltdowns instead of trying to impose your will on him.

At this age he’s probably pushing boundaries but cannot control his emotions.

Make sure you keep check on his screen time especially games like fortnite and bedtimes.

Thesmallthings · 19/01/2019 18:59

It sounds so over the top to have only happened 4 times.

What is his reasoning for losing his temper like that?

Original poster
Senioritafamiglia · 19/01/2019 18:59

Thanks somewhere.

I've been thinking about nvr.

In genreral we are a peaceful happy family. I feel his behaviour comes out of nowhere, is totally disproportionate, that he is breaking every rule we have set up in relation to mutual respect, developing independence and responsibility and he knows full well what he is doing.

I am not sure I can forgive him at the moment

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 19/01/2019 18:59

I'd keep going back to the GP every time he has one of these meltdowns, I know it's gruelling and frustrating but in these straitened times I'm afraid you have to be a squeaky wheel. This behaviour is not normal and it's not something you (or ds) should have to cope with without help, so stick to your guns. Make sure you write down what happens each time, how he's hurt you etc. Get the GP to have a look at your back where he's hurt it/any marks or bruises etc.

I'd still advise a meeting with the teacher and sharing all your concerns there, it's not uncommon for children to behave completely differently at school but they can still support you and help you access services even if he's not displaying the behaviour in school.

XmasPostmanBos · 19/01/2019 19:00

OP you mentioned you are a single mum. Could the break up with his dad have affected him? Was your ex in any way abusive and he may have picked up on that?

Thesmallthings · 19/01/2019 19:02

Sorry but 9 year olds know not jump and hit on their mum. Tired or not!