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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hysterical and aggressive 9yo plz help

79 replies

Senioritafamiglia · 19/01/2019 18:39

Please can anyone offer advice.

My ds slept badly last night and had to be up early this morning for sports. He was clearly overtired. The meltdown he had this morning and then again this evening involved the following:

Screaming repeatedly at the top of his voice
Hitting me repeatedly
Jumping on my back
Screaming that I was a stupid woman and horrible parent repeatedly
Throwing his belongings around the room
Threatening to run away

Apart from tiredness there was no reason for this outburst. I tried to remain calm and to protect his sister while also keeping him safe.

Im surprised to find that my main emotion now he is quiet and possibly asleep is one of resignation that I can't stop him from doing this (this is probably the 4th time in 4 months he has been this bad), anger that he should behave so violently towards me, then with the absolute certainty that I won't forgive it or allow it in my home once he is 18, should it continue.

I have been in touch with Camhs for support previously, he doesn't remotely meet threshold I've been told and I have a private avenue for counselling and support I'm in the process of getting him.

What I think in my heart of hearts is that I am headed for the rockiest teen age years with a child who is effectively abusing me. I am clearly a completely ineffectual parent and I am totally ashamed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Senioritafamiglia · 19/01/2019 20:07

I think anxiety sounds about right. I think he was almost hyperventilating half way through the second one. Yes to control and not telling me when things are bothering him so they build up.

No I'm not great sometimes and dont know what to do.

A support thread for kids with anxiety and meltdowns would be great Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Senioritafamiglia · 19/01/2019 20:08

And yes behaviour each year has often been worse around Xmas and Jan now I think of it Sad

OP posts:
4point2fleet · 19/01/2019 20:17

I tell him that I’m leaving and returning in a few minutes

Many children will do what ever they can to get to you when they are in crisis. They don't make moving away an option. The only thing you could do would be to lock yourself into a space they then couldn't get into, however you then cannot keep them safe.

CandyPuff · 19/01/2019 20:55

I don't think locking yourself away from a child in crisis, is correct. It seems counter productive and cruel. That said, I don't know how that works when they are bigger. My 8 year old is already pretty hefty. She has kicked out my car windscreen and almost knocked me unconscious with her scooter

CandyPuff · 19/01/2019 20:59

seniorita can you identify any cause/root of his anxiety? I think addressing that, has to be best long term. Intuitively, I'm not that interested in 'conttolling' or repressing outbursts. It doesnt feel like it's going to solve anything. I have no idea what I am doing though. My daughter got through really bad times with a counsellor. Would you consider? Ours was provided by the school. Now that has expired, I am looking privately.

CandyPuff · 19/01/2019 21:06

Sorry, reading that back, I sound really zen/sanctimonious. I'm not. I loose my shit fairly regularly. And have desperately tried many 'techniques' including 'consequences', threats, bribery etc. But, when thinking calmly about it...I'm not interested in the 'punish them until they conform' approach. Compliance is not the goal imo, but good mental health is

CandyPuff · 19/01/2019 21:09

Kids with anxiety 'tantrum' because they are scared. They are trying to control a situation because they are afraid

Isadora2007 · 19/01/2019 21:11

Poor bloody lad. It sounds like he was crying out for you to stop him. You’re an adult and he is 9. I’m sorry but he is NOT the same as an abusive adult and he is pushing your boundaries due to probably a mixture of hormones, anger, tiredness, his dads absence and because he wants to know you are in charge- and you’re not.
My son is now 6ft 4 and he was probably bigger and heavier than me by 11/12. He went through a very brief stage age 9 when I was a single parent where he disrespected me badly once and hurt his little sister once too when he lost his temper. I am NOT ashamed to say that I showed him on those occasions that I was very much the boss. I actually pinned him to the ground one of those times. And I am what others would call a “gentle” parent style.
Get your backbone and tell him this is never ever happening again. Read up on what to do IF it begins to happen- set and stick to boundaries and consequences. And get some self defence lessons where you can learn to overpower someone and pin them safely while they calm down if that is necessary. Tell your son you will NOT be letting him hurt you ever again.

crazycatlady5 · 19/01/2019 21:15

Is it possible he is going through puberty? Hormones do wreak havoc. Sounds like he is really struggling.

Grannyannex · 19/01/2019 21:24

I would take him to the gp and explain you are worried about his behaviour. Also talk to school and ask if they can do some pastoral work around respect and expression.

Also when he’s 10 you can always call the police. You need to draw a line he can’t cross

Grannyannex · 19/01/2019 21:30

Not abusing you is far more important then letting his team down. Choose not to drive him next time. Immediate boundaries. You could always be 100% honest with the coach

Kerrygeld · 19/01/2019 21:34

I find that we get behaviour approaching this if we have some commitment/event that a) he can’t get out of and b) doesn’t know exactly what to expect.

Add in tiredness or hunger, light the blue touch paper and retire.

fluffiphlox · 19/01/2019 21:40

Has he seen someone else treat you like this? Does he have any half-decent male role models?

SmileEachDay · 19/01/2019 21:42

What I think in my heart of hearts is that I am headed for the rockiest teen age years with a child who is effectively abusing me. I am clearly a completely ineffectual parent and I am totally ashamed

OP I think your last paragraph is interesting. You have a child who is doing well at school, who is involved in team sports and who has plenty of friends.

I’m wondering if you have a tendency to catastrophise? Do you have any anxiety yourself? It does not sound as though your boy is behaving like this all the time - why do you think your reaction is so extreme?

Bluewidow · 19/01/2019 22:23

Her reaction isn’t extreme. When a child acts like this it is horrendous. Especially when said child is not normally badly behaved.

helpfulperson · 19/01/2019 22:49

I know it's a bit of a taboo subject but please don't forget that if you can't keep yourself and other family members (you mentioned a sister) safe then phoning the police is an option. And it can be a shortcut to getting help.

Susiesoop · 19/01/2019 23:02

In addition to the other good advice about cahms/gp/counseling etc. Take a look at peaceful or gentle parenting, the 'aha parenting' website is a good resource. It sounds as though your son is struggling with his emotions/anxiety, they're scary to you but will be even more scary to him too and tantrums are an expression of fear. Nb a note on gentle parenting, it's not the same as 'permissive" parenting ie excusing or justifying actions but parenting with high expectations, boundaries, natural consequences and allowing/recognising feelings. It's similar to a therapeutic/counseling relationship too ie where the counsellor regards receipient with with "unconditional positive regard'.

youarenotkiddingme · 20/01/2019 08:49

Try another way to get into GP. Make an appointment for you. Go and explain your back injury and ask for referral to physio.
Explain it's because your ds has violent meltdowns for over an hour and physically attacks you.
Explain as they won't help him you need the care package in place so you are well enough to deal with it.

They only really started supporting my son properly when I was at breaking point (he has autism). I casually mentioned that I may not be able to care for him much longer.

Juells · 20/01/2019 08:58

I think people are being a bit mean when they criticise the OP for saying she doesn't much like him at the moment. He's used her as a punch-bag, and she's supposed to be a martyr about it?

I have no advice to offer since I've never had to deal with this kind of behaviour, but just want to say that I really feel for you OP, and what you're going through. You have to think about your own needs as well as the child's. You don't want him learning that it's OK to abuse women, and there are no consequences, they just take it.

CherryPavlova · 20/01/2019 09:26

He doesn’t need a GP. He’s not ill he’s wilfull and naughty when tired.
I think consequences have to be immediate and related to the event.
Clearly he wanted to go to sports club and is able to control himself because he behaved when there and threw another paddy afterwards.

I would have refused to take him. Explained he was clearly too tired to behave reasonably and sent him back very firmly to his room for the morning. Yes, he’d be letting others down so he’d need to apologise to them. He clearly knew you would feel bad about the others and used this to get away with appalling behaviour.

I would think there needed to be very serious sanctions in place if he ever hit you again - tired or not. So I’d have the conversation when calm that the next time he behaves like that will be the last time he goes to sports club for a term.

Don’t make excuses or medicalise poor behaviour as it just normalises it. The proverbial ton of bricks response is required. Then ensure you reward the positives with him understanding very specifically what behaviour you are rewarding. “Fred it was really kind of you to help me carry the shopping in” rather than “Fred you’re lovely”.
First sign of tantrums beginning send him to his room to calm down for an hour. He’ll be much bigger and much harder to control in a few years unless you set absolute boundaries about violence now.

HouseOfGingerbread · 20/01/2019 15:25

I'm sorry Cherry, but you're wrong about this, probably because you've not experienced it. In children with all sorts of conditions, including anxiety and autism, violent behaviour does have a medical cause. Children may be able to control it elsewhere (e.g. at school or social activities) but use the safe space of home to relax their control and that can lead to meltdowns. All of this can be treated whether that's by counselling, parental support or medication.

If course, he may just be being a git, but it doesn't sound like it.

Amallamard · 20/01/2019 16:03

I think it may be worth you finding out about PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance). It's a form of ASD that can lead to extreme behaviour but it's all anxiety driven. I'm not saying that's what is going on but I think it's a possibility that you need to consider. It can be very hard to get a diagnosis unfortunately but knowing yourself and understanding can make a big difference.

Watsername · 20/01/2019 16:33

My youngest is just like this. It was getting so bad, he was having 'tantrums' of between 1 and 4 hours most days, in which he was out of control, hitting, verbally abusing us all, and pushing. DH was pushed down the stairs, and I was shoved over several times.

I spoke with school and told them exactly what was going on. and they told me to go to the GP. He was in year 2 at the time.

He's now in year 6.

Over the years we have seen a peadiatrician once a year, been assessed for ADHD (no), seen SaLT (who were instrumental in getting us access to CAMHS because of danger to ME) , phone consult with CAMHS (too busy to see us, but they referred us into the Barnado's buddy scheme which was VERY helpful.....he did CBT to deal with anger and anxiety, and they worked out that he doesn't recognise his own emotions).

Now we're back at paeds armed with lots of reports, and he will likely be diagnosed with High Functioning Autism (or at least traits).

It's a long road, but his 'tantrums' have become far less often and le severe over time.

ChristmaspArti · 20/01/2019 16:40

If you think anxiety might be at the root of it, you may find the Therapeutic Parents group on Facebook really helpful.

Original poster
Senioritafamiglia · 20/01/2019 17:57

Gosh thanks all.

So far today - continued disrespect and rudeness to me when asked to get dressed smartly for a relative's memorial. Eventually dressed and out of the house without making us late.

Perfect behaviour at memorial

Complete non compliance around putting belongings I had to remove from his room.

My approach- to calmly remind him of the rules of the house. Continued sanctions on TV, devices and treats. Descriptive praise of positives and continued repititon about following home rules and respect.

What else?

OP posts: