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Original poster

Hysterical and aggressive 9yo plz help

79 replies

Senioritafamiglia · 19/01/2019 18:39

Please can anyone offer advice.

My ds slept badly last night and had to be up early this morning for sports. He was clearly overtired. The meltdown he had this morning and then again this evening involved the following:

Screaming repeatedly at the top of his voice
Hitting me repeatedly
Jumping on my back
Screaming that I was a stupid woman and horrible parent repeatedly
Throwing his belongings around the room
Threatening to run away

Apart from tiredness there was no reason for this outburst. I tried to remain calm and to protect his sister while also keeping him safe.

Im surprised to find that my main emotion now he is quiet and possibly asleep is one of resignation that I can't stop him from doing this (this is probably the 4th time in 4 months he has been this bad), anger that he should behave so violently towards me, then with the absolute certainty that I won't forgive it or allow it in my home once he is 18, should it continue.

I have been in touch with Camhs for support previously, he doesn't remotely meet threshold I've been told and I have a private avenue for counselling and support I'm in the process of getting him.

What I think in my heart of hearts is that I am headed for the rockiest teen age years with a child who is effectively abusing me. I am clearly a completely ineffectual parent and I am totally ashamed.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 19/01/2019 19:02

Give him proper and fitting consequences. It sounds like he has none at all.

If he was too tired in the morning to behave rationally then he was too tired to go to his sporting event. I'm not surprised he kicked off again later. He sounds knackered.

A consequence would have been to tidy all of the mess he made and to apologise.

RedHelenB · 19/01/2019 19:03

A lot of boys I know have meltdowns y4 to y6. Doesn't mean he will carry on necessarily. My ds was a horror in y5 (but not at school ) but has been a lot better since starting secondary.

Original poster
Senioritafamiglia · 19/01/2019 19:03

For clarity, it has involved hitting me and using abusive language towards me on 4 occasions recently. There has been a history of lengthy melt downs.

But yes he was tired

We will need to apologize to the neighbours tomorrow.

No apparent autism. Plenty of friends and no special interests.

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 19/01/2019 19:04

This might be completely random, but have you taken him to the GP for a physical? UTIs can cause behavioural changes as can strep throat infections in some kids.

I would also be chatting to him about anyone asking him to keep secrets. Etc

Finally looks up PANDAs. It's rare but it happens

CokeAndCrispsAndDip · 19/01/2019 19:04

Have you explored any possible medical reasons? I only ask as these outbursts sound similar to the ones my son had prior to his being disagnosed with type 1 diabetes. His fits would hurt me badly, he was losing weight but slowly so I didn't notice. The other symptoms of raging thirst and bed wetting came 3 months after him having these outbursts for a few months. Just a thought.

Sorry I can't offer any more help but huge empathy for the attacks. They are confusing and humiliating and take time to recover from, thats you by the way OP.

LovingLola · 19/01/2019 19:08

I am not sure I can forgive him at the moment

He is a 9 year old child. Please don’t let him be aware that you feel like this.

MyFriendGoo5 · 19/01/2019 19:10

As someone who's been there the only way you're going to get anywhere is by (( covertly )) filming him. The GPS and school need to see it to believe it.

SleepWarrior · 19/01/2019 19:11

I'd say (meant kindly not judegementally) that you also need to really dig down and figure out why you are feeling so unable to forgive him. It's not that anyone would expect you to turn a blind eye, but he's only 9 and it's not completely abnormal - your own feelings are something he will potentially be able to pick up on and will shape his self worth and sense of being 'bad' and unforgivable, which in turn makes the kicking off worse.

You don't want to inadvertently prevent the situation getting better. Is he genuinely remorseful after or doesn't appear to care?

mrscee · 19/01/2019 19:12

I can't offer any help but I wanted to let you know you aren't alone. My 8 year old dd is the same she had a massive tantrum this morning, she gets so angry that she throws things kicks and screams and hits me says she hates everyone and gets so angry that's it frightening. We are hopefully getting help privately through bupa as the drs weren't any help as she doesn't display any of these behaviours at school. I'll be watching this thread for advice.

rachelfrost · 19/01/2019 19:14

I have the similar worries about my 9 year old. He doesn’t have tantrums but does have protracted bad moods which bring the household down. The blaming of others and then the feeling sorry for himself is horrible to see as that’s what miserable adults do.

So, no help to offer but you’re not alone.

We’ve tried Cambhs too. Nothing doing. I just try to nurture and comment on the great things about him. And read the odd parenting book for inspiration.

tictoc76 · 19/01/2019 19:21

I don’t think this is normal behaviour. One of mine has violent trantrums like this, only ever does it in front of us. We are getting help for this though.

I know what you mean about just having had enough, sometimes you can love your child whilst not liking them at all. You really need to get some help but just hang on in there till you do.

thebeesknees123 · 19/01/2019 19:21

If you can't get a camhs referral, contact your school re a Family Support Worker.

Family Lives are also an excellent source of advice. My daughter is like this but started at 11. She's 14 now and calming down finally

Original poster
Senioritafamiglia · 19/01/2019 19:29

Hearing tales of children calming down is very comforting to me. I only hope that is the case with him. Were there any obvious changes made to thier lives which facilitated a recognisable shift?

With regard to not forgiving him - I don't think he would know. Am a punching bag? He may not be a fully formed adult but he certainly knows this behaviour is wrong. If it stops , I'm sure I would forget and move on with time- but if this continues I am unsure how deep the damage will be to my relationship with him. And of course that is deeply troubling.

OP posts:
HouseOfGingerbread · 19/01/2019 19:30

It could be anxiety, well-masked autism (maybe demand avoidance), or something else. You absolutely need support to keep everyone in the family safe and happy - otherwise you're all at risk in different ways. The school may be able to help you with a CAMHS referral or FEHA (family early help assessment). If not, keep on at your GP, contact CAMHS direct for advice on referral, or contact your local social services team - round here we have something called the Front Door service who anyone can contact.

Applying sanctions consistently is absolutely appropriate, but remember that when he is actually in meltdown he may not be able to hear or understand that you're giving him ultimatums. If you're able, it's best to leave him alone - often easier said than done, I know.

Good luck.

HouseOfGingerbread · 19/01/2019 19:32

My 13 year old is much calmer since she's been taking sertraline for anxiety (25mg a day). Aggressive attacks have gone from almost daily to fortnightly/monthly. I've also got better at managing my response to her outbursts.

CandyPuff · 19/01/2019 19:33

senorita My 8 yo dd has 'tantrums as you describe. Far more often, usually daily/multiple times a day. Terrible language, aggression. She has anxiety and it is in fact panic attacks. Hard discipline is not the solution in this case. Could your son have anxiety? How is he, besides these episodes?

CandyPuff · 19/01/2019 19:34

X post with gingerbread Flowers

StillMe1 · 19/01/2019 19:35

Are you a lone parent? Did DD have to go with you and see all this? What age is DD?
I think you have to make it very clear that this is not the way to go.
DS is going to get older and stronger and you can't let the hitting go on. You have to protect yourself and DD

thebeesknees123 · 19/01/2019 19:41

With my daughter, it was therapy that helped. Her underlying problem was ocd, which is an anxiety disorder.

I tried to get her referred again more recently but they suggested a Family Support Worker would be more appropriate.

Thankfully, touch wood, while not perfect, she's more manageable and more self aware so I haven't required their help yet.

Please don't let anyone make you feel bad for the range of emotions you are feeling right now. They are perfectly normal. I remember feeling violated for a time after being attacked , which you will do when it's someone you love and nurture

CandyPuff · 19/01/2019 19:43

Should we start a support thread for parents of kids with anxiety? It is singularly, THE most difficult thing i have ever dealt with

4point2fleet · 19/01/2019 19:45

I think NVR would be very helpful. Do you have the manual?

Perhaps go to his bedroom when you know he in going into a meltdown- presumably he will follow you as he is directing it at you. Then sit inside the door (so he can't rampage) following NVR principles until he de-escalates.

ipswichwitch · 19/01/2019 19:50

My DS (5yo) has meltdowns like these. He’s being assessed for autism. He has plenty of friends and no special interests either. I’m not saying that you son is autistic, but it can’t hurt to ask for referral. Many people who know my son on a superficial level say they can’t believe he’s under assessment - hes chatty, likes playing with other kids. They haven’t seen his meltdowns.

Believeitornot · 19/01/2019 19:54

What was his dad like?

As for the hitting etc - as soon as my ds kicks off, I tell him that I’m leaving and returning in a few minutes. Staying around, reasoning, telling off will just massively escalate.

You’re talking about him as if he’s an adult - you’re the adult. He’s not 100% to blame for his behaviour so I would be wary of talking about “abusive language” (he’s 9??). Yes he was rude etc - but abusive sounds a bit of a dramatic label to attribute to a primary school kid.

Believeitornot · 19/01/2019 19:56

I will add - my child has had meltdowns like this and I’ve half wondered about autism etc but in reflection there’s been a huge build up and I haven’t acted that well. He’s also seen me behave angrily so is reflecting that a bit.

Bluewidow · 19/01/2019 19:56

You have just described my son - he is actually an angel until he has what I refer to an episode. He has hit me and the way I dealt with that on two
Occasions was to “pretend” to call the police on him. My rationale for that was if he’s doing this when he’s a teenager he’s going to hurt me. He hasn’t been violent towards me since. We have been to counselling but he doesn’t talk so that’s no good. He tends to dramatise the littlest of things. He has been like this for over a year now it starts in October and if last year is anything to go by he will
Be fine once the finer whether gets here. I believe for my son the dark nights and not going out as much really affect his behaviour. You have to be strong he’s had his tantrum you’ve given him co sequences move on. For my son it’s also an anger / rebellion against the rules we have. Biggest thing is what time bed time is and that all his friends stay up later. Again you have to be strong and stick to your rules. Let him have his tantrum
And the maybe the next day sit him
And and try and get him to talk about what happened. Ie how
Do you feel when you act like that? It can’t mane you feel very happy? There are other ways to deal with it which would mean we would all
Be happy?