To have reacted in this way, DP sexual advances

[Waterb4by]

I've been perched on the sofa feeling uncomfortable with a huge pregnant bump which is feeling unusually tender and sore today.

DP comments that I look as though I'm in pain and I confirm that I am. Ten minutes later he comes over plonks himself down next to me and offers to rub moisturiser into my bump (kind gesture I thought) but I decline and say it's ok not to worry.

He then thinks it's a good idea to put his hand between my legs and "massage" down there, I bat him away in annoyance and tell him in no uncertain terms I'm not in the mood or up to sex and am clearly uncomfortable.

He jokingly replied that "it's ok you don't need to move you can just lay there and I can lick"

I'm ashamed to say I just lost my fucking shit and told him to get out of my personal space because he's disgusting. I don't think I've ever cringed so hard in tandem with being furious.

He looks horrified, apologised and skulks off saying he was only joking. He wasn't.

Have I overreacted or are people in agreements that its an absolutely disgusting thing to imply under the circumstances.

Unfortunately, women who have had one very abusive partner often move on to a differently-abusive or at least unsatisfactory partner. This man isn't actually beating and raping you, so he's.... OK.
It sounds like he's got some issues and odd ideas, though. Maybe he sees himself as a bit of a white knight/rescuer type - giving oral is being WONDERFUL TO WOMEN whether they like it or not. He 'needs' sex more than you do, but he's so WONDERFUL at doing it that it will make you feel better anyway.

Other than sex, how does he treat you, OP? Does he pull his weight domestically? Is he good company, kind, interesting to chat to/interested in what you have to say?

It sounds like there are a few things you need to get sorted out.

It might be better to take a couple of days to have a really good think about your relationship and your day to day life together. Then when you are more clear about what you want, then talk to him.

Minimum is no more groping, no sulking, no means no and a very serious discussion about expecting FAR more from him when he knows what you went through previously. He needs to grow up.

You also need to look at the balance you have with ‘free time’ and responsibilities, if/when you want to return to work etc.

I think you’d be very foolish not to plan your return to work. I have a feeling you’ll need/want to be supporting your DC by yourself sometime in the future, but I think you absolutely need to be in a position where he knows you can and would and aren’t trapped due to finances.

You can’t make him grow up, but you can refuse tonstay with someone who doesn’t.

💐 not what you need right now x

PS: I assume you’ve had the ‘very sore bump’ looked into?

I've just spoken to him and outlined everything I have said here.

I'm not impressed with the spontaneous groping and feel as though he can be quite inconsiderate as to when he expects sex.

I'd be alot more inclined to want to have sex if I felt fulfilled in other ways, such as going out together and actually enjoying one another's company, and having my emotional needs met by him.

He's been told in no uncertain terms that the groping is a huge turn off and I don't want him to do that again. I'd respond better to some tactile intimacy.

I've asked him to look at things from my perspective about why I might not always want sex when it suits him and to try and understand how I might be feeling, i.e. uncomfortable or stressed.

I've said I feel a bit overwhelmed by the SAHM role and would very much like to get back into some hobbies of my own, and return to work as soon as is feasible. I've proposed that to be when baby #2 is around 6 months old.

He didn't offer much in terms of response apart from apologising and saying he is listening to and taking notice of what I'm saying.

He isn't the best communicator but I hope everything has sank in.

I haven't spoken to anybody about the sore bump no, baby is moving around as normal though and no other worries other than feeling a bit sore. I'm fairly certain it's because of my stretch marks which are really tender and getting bigger on that side.

Well done. I hope he takes it onboard - time will tell. You know where we are if you need to talk about it...just revive this thread as it’ll provide some background without you having to explain 💐

I presume you’ve been gently massaging with some good quality oil or cream (needn’t be expensive, in fact, often midrange stuff is the best)?
Maybe a warm, but not hot, bath first?

Lots of putting your feet up and making sure DP is looking after both you and your DC, not buggering off to ‘hobbies’.

That all sounds very positive. Give him some time to think over what you have said and maybe ask him in a few days what he thinks about this discussion you had.

I think of lot of relationship problems are mostly down to lack of understanding and communication, but it seems like he is willing to listen and look at his behavior. Maybe there are things bothering him too, ask him if there is anything that you do that annoys/bothers him so he knows it is a 2 way street.

Best wishes

I did ask him to respond with his own thoughts and feelings when he wasn't saying much at first.

He mentioned was that he can't usually tell whether I'm up for it or not so doesn't know how to proceed all of the time, so his explanation for the random groping was to 'test the waters' and see whether I was in the mood or whether I'd reject him.

I suggested instead of randomly grabbing my bits perhaps ask me to come for a kiss or cuddle, because pawing at my bits does the complete opposite for me.

He also said he sometimes doubts whether I find him attractive because I don't tend to initiate sex much. I said I was very much attracted to him but he has to understand that with a toddler in my care 24-7 and a big baby bump I'm not going to be feeling horny as often as he does, which is alot.

I've given him some pointers and suggested we spend more time together doing nice things as I'm sure that'll make a difference to my sex drive if I feel loved and listened to in the relationship.

It felt good to get it all off my chest but as the conversation drew to a close I did feel a bit sorry for him because he looked quite sad.

I'm with you on the sheer grossness of the " I'll just lick" comment. That would cement my legs together immediately and for quite some time .
I used to have a BF who was exactly like your DP - sex had to begin with oral sex for me, no variation. I'm not a huge fan of it ALL the time and he could not understand this. It was like he'd read a book on how to please your woman or something and felt this was how it had to be.
I'd be trying to climb up the bed away from him while he was gripping my thighs , he wouldn't stop. So I stopped going any where near him as he would not listen to me.
The relationship ended, and it gave me a strong aversion to oral sex that lasted for years.
I hope your partner takes your comments on board.

You're in the latter stages of pregnancy for gods sake. Is it really any wonder that you're not up for it?

I get the impression that he's going to be pestering shortly after you've given birth.

Don't feel sorry for him, his behaviour was totally self serving and pretty grim really. I hope he feels bad and so he should.

I think you did really well in how you communicated and articulated your feelings to him.

It seems he will take it on board.

Thus groping that a lot of men do is really annoying. I've experienced it and can't stand it.

This sort of thing isn't necessarily a sign of objectification, but can be an attempt at over sympathising while suffering a deficit of empathy. He thinks, well, I'd quite like to be sucked off if I were in that position, without realising that we think and feel differently about such things. Sex doesn't act as a feel good distraction for us as it does for blokes.

What would absolutely guarantee him a night of what he longs for so badly would be a nice restaurant meal or romantic walk followed by a back rub, a deep meaningful conversation or a snuggly movie night in I haven't rtft but you should get out of this kind of mindset. Sex isn't something to be traded for. It should be a mutually enjoyable act.

However, the sulking etc is awful. Why did you have another child with him?!

OP wasn't thinking in terms of trading, she was saying what would get her in the mood - a bit of romance and intimacy.

There's actually nothing wrong with the idea of sex involving some trading. It's only a problem when one person is always getting the things they enjoy and the other person is not.

YANBU - wtaf is wrong with people? He probably thought he could warm you up for sex. My ex was similar, insisting on sex when I had a severe UTI and thrush, I think his words were “you need to surrender and push through the pain for me”. He was an evil bastard.