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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reacted in this way, DP sexual advances

115 replies

Waterb4by · 19/01/2019 13:25

I've been perched on the sofa feeling uncomfortable with a huge pregnant bump which is feeling unusually tender and sore today.

DP comments that I look as though I'm in pain and I confirm that I am. Ten minutes later he comes over plonks himself down next to me and offers to rub moisturiser into my bump (kind gesture I thought) but I decline and say it's ok not to worry.

He then thinks it's a good idea to put his hand between my legs and "massage" down there, I bat him away in annoyance and tell him in no uncertain terms I'm not in the mood or up to sex and am clearly uncomfortable.

He jokingly replied that "it's ok you don't need to move you can just lay there and I can lick"

I'm ashamed to say I just lost my fucking shit and told him to get out of my personal space because he's disgusting. I don't think I've ever cringed so hard in tandem with being furious.

He looks horrified, apologised and skulks off saying he was only joking. He wasn't.

Have I overreacted or are people in agreements that its an absolutely disgusting thing to imply under the circumstances.

OP posts:
Tenpenny · 19/01/2019 14:31

I just don't agree with this mode of thinking that men have to have personal boundaries spelled out to them, simply because "they're a man" and couldn't possibly understand otherwise

AWishForWingsThatWork · 19/01/2019 14:32

He gets more satisfaction from giving oral sex than I get from receiving it, so offering it to me is all about him despite having convinced himself it's absolutely wonderful for me.

and

I told him if he were that desperate then just hurry up and get it over with but made it clear I was only agreeing for his benefit and not because I actually wanted sex. I wanted to see whether he'd be happy to have sex knowing I wasn't an enthusiastic partner. He was.

Oh dear. These posts are rather worrying, actually, OP. He wants sex, and he thinks you should want it, too, and if you are in pain or uncomfortable, sex with him should make it all better.

What on earth are you going to do after you've had the baby, you're exhausted, sore, leaking ... and he thinks he can make it all better with sex. Not really because he wants to make it better for you, but because he wants sex.

You need to have a long talk about boundaries and appropriate behaviour. You would tell future daughters to tell men like this where to go; you would raise sons not to act like this; you need to explain that you will NOT stay married to someone with this attitude.

StreetwiseHercules · 19/01/2019 14:38

“He gets more satisfaction from giving oral sex than I get from receiving it, so offering it to me is all about him despite having convinced himself it's absolutely wonderful for me.”

This bit doesn’t make any sense.

Hopoindown31 · 19/01/2019 14:40

@StreetwiseHercules

Suggests he isn't very good at it tbh!

StreetwiseHercules · 19/01/2019 14:43

Still doesn’t make sense.

Original poster
Waterb4by · 19/01/2019 14:43

It's not that I think he's terrible at giving oral sex, what I was saying was he enjoys giving it more than I care to receive it - so even when he thinks it makes him seem selfless for offering to do that for me, it's only because he wants to do it and not because he thinks it'll make me feel any less uncomfortable / unwell / in pain.

OP posts:
StreetwiseHercules · 19/01/2019 14:49

Again, doesn’t make any sense.

secretmetoo · 19/01/2019 14:55

What doesn’t make sense? He likes giving it more than the OP likes having it so when he offers it, it’s not about OP, it’s about his enjoyment. Pretty simple I thought.

MycatsaPirate · 19/01/2019 14:58

Your post gives me the shivers. My ex, the father of DD1 harassed me for sex constantly. He too thought it was ok to have sex even if I had no interest.

When DD1 was born things got really bad really quickly to the point that he raped me 2 weeks after DD was born after an emergency c section. I had been out of hospital only 8 days. DD was screaming her head off.

He wants sex. You want to be loved. Particularly now. If you say that you want conversation, cuddles etc to feel appreciated and therefore may want sex, he will then instigate those things with the expectation of sex. He will see it as a chore he needs to go to achieve the end result.

I honestly can't see the relationship lasting with this man. He will never change and eventually you will be letting him have sex just to keep the peace and with the off chance you may get an hours sleep between servicing the man-child and looking after your actual baby.

How he behaves in the first few months after the baby is born will show you just how much respect or lack of, he has for you.

Please, do listen to your instincts.

CatnissEverdene · 19/01/2019 15:00

There is nothing remotely attractive about a sex pest, OP.

There is nothing remotely attractive about a man trying to take advantage of his partner when she's feeling very vulnerable either.

I think you need a very firm chat here about personal space and boundaries..... if he can't see past the end of his dick, you're in for a rough ride (pardon the pun) over the next year with a baby.

Original poster
Waterb4by · 19/01/2019 15:00

In it's simplest form:

He likes giving oral sex because it gives him satisfaction.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waterb4by · 19/01/2019 15:02

@MycatsaPirate That is beyond the pale Mycats, I am so sorry for what that bastard did to you Flowers

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 19/01/2019 15:04

I'd have gone fucking mental OP Flowers

TenForward82 · 19/01/2019 15:23

Ignore @streetwise. Pretty sure he's a bloke so jumps on any sex threads to sort out the moaning wimmin.

Squidgee · 19/01/2019 15:25

my ex decided to try it on while I was laying in bed crying in pain from a herniated disk... then yelled at me when I told him to leave me alone.

Note the word 'ex'

These kind of men never learn, they think because you're in a relationship that they're entitled to your body.

Original poster
Waterb4by · 19/01/2019 15:43

I hate to sound sexist and I admit I'm a little biased at the moment but why are a percentage of men such creeps.

I can't fathom a woman acting like some of these men mentioned here.

OP posts:
StreetwiseHercules · 19/01/2019 16:24

“He likes giving oral sex because it gives him satisfaction.”

Ok. I don’t understand how that works. That’s what I mean when I say it doesn’t make sense.

StreetwiseHercules · 19/01/2019 16:25

“Ignore @streetwise. Pretty sure he's a bloke so jumps on any sex threads to sort out the moaning wimmin.”

My sex is a protected characteristic and I shouldn’t be ignored because of that.

It does sounds like a remarkable misjudgement from the partner of the OP. That’s obvious and I take o issue with that at all.

I just didn’t understand one particular aspect of the discussion.

Original poster
Waterb4by · 19/01/2019 16:27

It probably doesn't make sense if you're not somebody it applies to.

Oral sex is usually seen as being pleasurable for the receiver isn't it, but some men don't do it for that reason, they do it because they get off on it themselves and if the partner enjoys it then that's just a bonus.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 19/01/2019 16:28

He is pushing your boundaries. I would have felt assaulted by the hand between my legs. The 'lick' suggestion is utterly disgusting in the circumstances.

Is this your first baby together. Has his behaviour changed in other ways, particularly more controlling?

At best, he is an immature horndog (think Inbetweeners) who should know better. At worst, I hope his previously borderline coercive behaviour has not escalated because you are now heavily pregnant.

Quartz2208 · 19/01/2019 16:30

OP this sounds awful of course you were not overreacting and its symptomatic of a far deeper issue

Has he said anything else since

Original poster
Waterb4by · 19/01/2019 16:31

He insists on giving oral sex every time we're intimate. If I say let's not bother with foreplay today or I don't fancy receiving but am happy to give it, he's disappointed and that ruins it for him because giving it turns him on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Waterb4by · 19/01/2019 16:33

He had to leave to go back to work shortly after the 'misunderstanding' so we've not discussed it further, yet.

We have one other child together and he's always been highly sexed, I used to enjoy alot of spontaneous sex too but he's got absolutely no tact in how he goes about it and his timing is terrible.

OP posts:
CatnissEverdene · 19/01/2019 16:34

It sounds like your sex life is all about what he wants and likes, to be honest. To say it ruins it for him if you say no?? That's not right, lovely.

Has he spoken to you since?

Original poster
Waterb4by · 19/01/2019 16:38

He doesn't directly say that me not wanting oral sex ruins of for him but he heavily implies how disappointed he is that I don't want him to do it, all of the time.

He was pleasant enough as he was leaving for work albeit a bit sheepish having had his head bitten off.

I expect he'll be perfectly fine when he gets home as things tend to go over his head and he doesn't dwell on arguments.

OP posts:
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