To have reacted in this way, DP sexual advances

[Waterb4by]

I've been perched on the sofa feeling uncomfortable with a huge pregnant bump which is feeling unusually tender and sore today.

DP comments that I look as though I'm in pain and I confirm that I am. Ten minutes later he comes over plonks himself down next to me and offers to rub moisturiser into my bump (kind gesture I thought) but I decline and say it's ok not to worry.

He then thinks it's a good idea to put his hand between my legs and "massage" down there, I bat him away in annoyance and tell him in no uncertain terms I'm not in the mood or up to sex and am clearly uncomfortable.

He jokingly replied that "it's ok you don't need to move you can just lay there and I can lick"

I'm ashamed to say I just lost my fucking shit and told him to get out of my personal space because he's disgusting. I don't think I've ever cringed so hard in tandem with being furious.

He looks horrified, apologised and skulks off saying he was only joking. He wasn't.

Have I overreacted or are people in agreements that its an absolutely disgusting thing to imply under the circumstances.

I wanted to see whether he'd be happy to have sex knowing I wasn't an enthusiastic partner.

Oh op. I have been here. I left. No amount of talking, explaining my feelings etc helped. He then sent to counselling and it seemed to work. He realised how disgusting it had been. Then he got fed up of having to listen when I said no and raped me.

I am not saying this will happen to you. But he is having we with you knowing you don't want it. What do you call that?

So every time you're intimate with your husband he bullies and guilts you into letting him perform oral sex on you? That's really not right.

Oh believe you me women are more than capable of acting in this manner, I am a man and I have dated one. There is nothing remotely unreasonable about wanting a little romance in your life. People aren’t mindreaders however. What you are talking about is wanting a little intimacy.

Have some heart to heart chats with your partner, communicate clearly what you need/expect from him, and listen to what he needs/expects from you. If they match up great, if not probably best to part company whilst you still have some lingering affection for one another esp give as you have a child to raise together.

Again I feel compelled to ask does your dp know his going down on you isnt as earth shatteringly pleasurable for you as it is for him? It sounds like you are on a trajectory where you have a need for intimacy and he has a need for sex. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for either of you to get what you want.

When the baby is born you might want to make sure he spends plenty of time nurturing the baby. When we men do that it regulates our hormones a little kicking in a greater desire to nurture and form a solid bond. A helpful side effect is it lowers testosterone, which may lessen the pestering. This should last around six months or so.

Best of luck!

@Boysandbuses I'm so sorry that happened to you and the other ladies here

I was assaulted by a violent partner too, because he was sick of being told no. He did it on two occasions. I ended up reporting him and moving into a refuge.

It was some years ago and I thought I'd gotten past it as best I could, but I'm reminded every now then by my current partner when I sense a self perceived entitlement to touch my body whenever he likes. He knows about my history so I expected better from him and for him to be mindful of that. He's not the most emotionally intelligent man so I think he's more ignorant than predatory most of the time.

In terms of personality they couldn't be more different. I would bet my house on the fact current DP would never hit me, but do I feel under pressure about sex? Truthfully yes i do.

I don't think of him as a potential rapist but how much random groping can be chalked up to being just his playful and flirty nature? Being in a relationship means to him that he has free reign of my body and that's not right is it.

@AntiSocialInjusticePacifist Very interesting information about newborns regulating hormones and reducing testosterone. I'll remember that.

Yes he knows I'm not too bothered about him performing OS on me. It can be pleasant on occasion but not all of the time. I have told him that it's nice once in a while but I much prefer other things.

Oh believe you me women are more than capable of acting in this manner, I am a man and I have dated one

Oh look, here’s someone coming along to make an irrelevant comment about “women can be borderline abusice sexual pests too”, even though it’s irrelevant to this thread, and women are almost never physically threatening to men, and women cannot commit rape.

“He insists on giving oral sex every time we're intimate. If I say let's not bother with foreplay today or I don't fancy receiving but am happy to give it, he's disappointed and that ruins it for him because giving it turns him on.”
Thanks for explaining. That is odd.

Next time tell him that in the last stages of pregnancy the extra hormones activate the eggs and you are at risk of producing triplets or quads.

I think he's more ignorant than predatory most of the time.

Do you really think he is ignorant around issues of consent? Or common decency? Who does something to someone when that person has made it clear they dont want it?

Assuming you are not divorcing him over this incident I think, that like so many of these threads, your next move should be absolutely clear communication.

Letting him have sex with you "because you wanted to see if he would", brushing it off in the past with eye rolls and laughs, and that he does things that you think "implies" a certain feeling or behaviour in him all point to lack of clear communication about your personal space.

You say it's not the first time he's been like this and you have another one, how can you want another child with someone who invades and doesn't respect your personal space, and is, in your words, a selfish sod, without having cleared this up first?

I think he overestimates his ability to tempt me and is extremely selfish in regards to sex.

He made a comment yesterday along the lines of not bothering to initiate sex when he knows I'm stressed, which is frankly bollocks as he always tries regardless. He said it in a way which implied he was hard done by so is clearly feeling some type of way about things having slowed down a bit lately.

He wanted sex but I didn't. I told him if he were that desperate then just hurry up and get it over with but made it clear I was only agreeing for his benefit and not because I actually wanted sex. I wanted to see whether he'd be happy to have sex knowing I wasn't an enthusiastic partner. He was

This tells you all you need to know about how important your feelings are to him.

I would have reacted exactly the same way as you. Especially with that kind of past form.

He sounds awful.

Haworthia what I wrote was in direct response to the op writing she couldn’t imagine a woman acting like that so I’m afraid it is perfectly relevant. Furthermore I didn’t write what I did to score points merely to reflect that despite being a man I do empathize with the OP feeling the way she does, having had personal experience of women both pestering and being stroppy when they don’t get sex. If that isn’t self evident from the context of my post instead of a cherry picked single line designed to draw me into a pointless argument with you I don’t know what to tell you. I suggest ignoring me in future as I shall most certainty be doing with you.

To the OP again you’re not in the least bit unreasonable to expect some cognisance on the part of your partner given your abusive ex. It might be wise to remind him that him pawing at you or approaching you in the wrong way is highly likely to put you in mind of past trauma you have suffered and are trying to heal from.

Personally if he was a male friend of mine I’d be inclined to advise him to cool his jets on the sex stuff and focus on the intimacy. There are big changes going on for everybody, and now is a very good time to reinforce what attracted you to one another in the first place. So perhaps approach this not as if you are a long standing couple of however long you’ve been together but almost like you are just starting to date for the first time and you are eager to impress.

He'll be home any minute now and I'm going to address it after we've eaten.

I'm really stressed today so I just know he'll take anything I say - as me taking my bad mood out on him.

I've spent the entire day housebound cleaning, doing washing, preparing food and running around after our toddler who's been playing up. I've got a painful bump, constant heart burn, heightened anxiety and my breasts have started leaking so fuck knows how he expects me to be in 'the mood'

I enjoyed being a SAHM to begin with but i now regret leaving my job when DC1 was born. It feels like my life has no purpose other than to look after our son, clean, cook and give him sex. I have no adult interaction other than my DM and DP.

He on the other hand has a very fulfilling life complete with work and hobbies on the weekend.

I'm very resentful.

His behaviour is unacceptable and disgusting
You should never feel pressured into sex

There's a word for a man who doesn't care if his partner isn't fully consenting as well

Waterb4by there’s way more to life than feeling like that. Hope things turn around for you.

OP my DP is like this, he would gladly have sex if his heas was hanging off. I think sometimes men just can't see past how their own mind works. The, you can just lie there comment is totally inappropriate. My DP would have sex at any time of the day no matter what's going on and I'm affraid I'm like you and just like you that kind of thing puts me of because I find it a bit creepy and sleazy. Don't blame you for losing it at him, I do it sometimes and I'm not pregnant so if he was doing this while I was pregnant I would probably be on here looking for suggestions on where to hide his body.

I think there’s a myth that all women love receiving oral sex and that’s it’s such a generous thing for a man to do. I’m not keen on it myself tbh, even when expertly done!
He sounds like a selfish twat.

This is due to upbringing and the culture we live in.

Women are just objects to many men. He was not seeing you as a person but as an object in that moment. Which is why he ignored the fact his heavily pregnant wife was in pain just to get his kicks.

Yeah pretty shitty.

why dont you have any other interaction

You really do need to address these issues and figure out what you want

So really look at:

how much does he help
how much parenting does he do
how much free time do you have
how often he wants you to have sex/how often you do have sex/how often you want sex

I agree with Quartz, there's a discussion needed about shared parenting needed here too from the sounds of it.

I have no adult interaction other than my DM and DP.

Are you in a position to change that after your baby's born? Can you get out and about easily where you live?

Sounds like a very unfair situation.

My sex is a protected characteristic and I shouldn’t be ignored because of that

Haha brilliant.

I'm not so keen on oral either. Some (thick) men think all women love it just because they do.

Griss6