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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reacted in this way, DP sexual advances

115 replies

Waterb4by · 19/01/2019 13:25

I've been perched on the sofa feeling uncomfortable with a huge pregnant bump which is feeling unusually tender and sore today.

DP comments that I look as though I'm in pain and I confirm that I am. Ten minutes later he comes over plonks himself down next to me and offers to rub moisturiser into my bump (kind gesture I thought) but I decline and say it's ok not to worry.

He then thinks it's a good idea to put his hand between my legs and "massage" down there, I bat him away in annoyance and tell him in no uncertain terms I'm not in the mood or up to sex and am clearly uncomfortable.

He jokingly replied that "it's ok you don't need to move you can just lay there and I can lick"

I'm ashamed to say I just lost my fucking shit and told him to get out of my personal space because he's disgusting. I don't think I've ever cringed so hard in tandem with being furious.

He looks horrified, apologised and skulks off saying he was only joking. He wasn't.

Have I overreacted or are people in agreements that its an absolutely disgusting thing to imply under the circumstances.

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 19/01/2019 13:50

Sorry, that was re: common sense

SilverySurfer · 19/01/2019 13:51

Ugh how gross. YANU at all. What on earth was he thinking?

Tenpenny · 19/01/2019 13:52

Its just a weird reaction to a partner in pain.

Original poster
Waterb4by · 19/01/2019 13:52

I'll drive myself mad trying to understand how some men's brains function in regards to sex.

If I were to see him wincing on the sofa having confirmed he's in pain the last thing I'd do is go over and start pawing his nether regions. I certainly wouldn't go on to offer him a blowjob after he'd already said he doesn't want sex because he's in pain.

Selfish sod

OP posts:
Harryo · 19/01/2019 13:53

Like every bloke, then.

No, it's not.

TenForward82 · 19/01/2019 13:55

This reply has been deleted

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Hopoindown31 · 19/01/2019 13:55

He tried it on, you said no to sex, he suggested oral and you said no to that in no uncertain terms and he stopped and apologised. The 'joke' thing is just saving face because you have rejected him. It isn't ideal but he got the message and acted on it.

You can dwell on this and build up the idea that this man is a sex pest or you can use it as a point to suggest you both need to improve your communication as big changes are coming when baby arrives that will make this stage seem like a walk in the park.

Unless there are some deeper issues at play.

Tenpenny · 19/01/2019 13:56

Strange to suggest the entire male race lack common sense, @TenForward82

Enigmam · 19/01/2019 13:56

I left my EXH because he felt it was ok to just grab at me and couldn't understand my personal space or the fact that I just didn't like it. I don't care how much I fancy or love someone, the idea of someone thinking it's ok to slap there hands between my legs without warning would piss me off.

HildaZelda · 19/01/2019 13:57

YANBU OP. I had an ex who was fucking I OBSESSED with going down on me. It seems to be a 'thing' with some men

Original poster
Waterb4by · 19/01/2019 13:57

This isn't the first time he's ignored signs and gone against his better judgement to sow his wild oats.

I'm prone to bouts of anxiety and a few weeks ago I was having a difficult night. He wanted sex but I didn't. I told him if he were that desperate then just hurry up and get it over with but made it clear I was only agreeing for his benefit and not because I actually wanted sex.

I wanted to see whether he'd be happy to have sex knowing I wasn't an enthusiastic partner.

He was.

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 19/01/2019 13:57

@tenpenny, I'm not. I'm suggesting they lack common sense as soon as they get aroused. HTH.

Tenpenny · 19/01/2019 13:58

My exDh once lifted up my top to show his parents what my naked pregnant bump looked like. He felt it was okay to grab at me in all sorts of ways.

Tenpenny · 19/01/2019 14:00

No, tarring them all with the same brush doesnt help at all, @TenForward82.

Original poster
Waterb4by · 19/01/2019 14:03

This is the second serious relationship I've had where the man has behaved innapropriately and entitled about sex so it might not be a pandemic but I'm betting there's a fair percentage who see it as their right.

Unless I've been unlucky and attract misogynists.

OP posts:
Tenpenny · 19/01/2019 14:06

There is definitely a percentage who see it as their right, and we receive the treatment we allow. I say this as a person with several sexually coercive relationships behind me though Op, I am not criticising you. Just in a position where I can see clearer now.

Original poster
Waterb4by · 19/01/2019 14:07

No I agree with you entirely @tenpenny

I've allowed this one to behave like a sex pest by not addressing the behaviour in a firmer manner sooner so he's gone on feeling as though it's perfectly ok.

OP posts:
TenForward82 · 19/01/2019 14:07

Men being entitled abusive dicks doesn't help either @tenpenny.

WTBE · 19/01/2019 14:08

I was on the fence abit from the first OP but seeing your update about him happy to have sex when you made it clear you didn't want to has changed my mind. It seems he does have a problem, one you don't have to put up with!

SOME men feel entitled to sex its gross and would put me off, YANBU.

Original poster
Waterb4by · 19/01/2019 14:11

I've never bitten his head off before which is why he was so shocked that I did today.

My usual response to being randomly groped would be to laugh it off or roll my eyes.

I've been getting increasingly pissed off with it and today was the straw that broke the camel's back.

What would absolutely guarantee him a night of what he longs for so badly would be a nice restaurant meal or romantic walk followed by a back rub, a deep meaningful conversation or a snuggly movie night in.

His work schedule has him out of the house alot so there's little time for romancing but always time for quick gropes or romps Hmm

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 19/01/2019 14:17

OK, the way forward might be to have a proper, clear talk about the fact that you would generally feel more interested in sex if he paid you more attention and was willing to do the things you enjoy. If he is willing to accept this - and to understand that when you say No or Not Really he should stop asking for sex immediately, then maybe you will both be happier: couples who can talk to each other about sex, accept a refusal and, even if they are a bit disappointed, not take it out on the partner generally get on well and have better sex than couples where one is always asking for it and the other is always dreading being asked, whatever the frequency of sexual activity.

Parthenope · 19/01/2019 14:19

He was trying to help take your mind off the pain.

Yes, because a spot of unwanted cunnilingus is just what a very pregnant woman in obvious pain obviously feels like. Hmm

AntiSocialInjusticePacifist · 19/01/2019 14:22

“What would absolutely guarantee him a night of what he longs for so badly would be a nice restaurant meal or romantic walk followed by a back rub, a deep meaningful conversation or a snuggly movie night in.”

Does he know this?

NeutralJanet · 19/01/2019 14:23

Tell him he'd better get acquainted with his right hand because you're unlikely to feel sexy for at least a few weeks after the birth and pressuring you won't help.

Original poster
Waterb4by · 19/01/2019 14:26

I've told him before women need more than groping to feel sexually stimulated. We haven't been out for a meal in months, in part due to a busy schedule and financially tightening our belts before the baby arrives but a bit of romance doesn't have to cost a thing.

OP posts: