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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think abusive men can change

76 replies

Justforthis45 · 18/01/2019 20:10

I have name changed for this but...
My DH has a fiery temper forever, he also had a drug abuse problem, weed when we met but previously coke. We met and married very quickly as obviously there was an awful lot about him that I loved. There was a couple of incidents of violence before we had children, the worst when I had a miscarriage and was just home from hospital, we had an argument because he was going out with his friends when I needed him and he pushed me hard and sent me flying across the kitchen floor, I called the police. I then got the ‘I will change I will change etc etc’ and gave in took him back and we had my DD.
When DD was 4 months old we had an argument, he was absolutely useless sleeping 10 hrs per night in spare room, getting up at 10am whilst I was up all night with our newborn Dd. I was totally shattered.
We had an argument when I was holding 4 month old dd and he went for me and grabbed my neck. I was terrified. I didn’t call the police though because I was scared of social services but I left him that night, called my parents and went to stay with them.
In this time he enrolled himself in an 8 month long abusers rehabilitation course, attended NA and gave up weed and alcohol and was prescribed sertraline. When I could see a real change in him I took him back and eventually we had my son.
I honestly feel like he is a completely changed man, in 4 years he is hands on dad, absolutely equal parent, does most of the domestic chores and is a patient loving father with the children. He is calm and loving with me and absolutely dotes on me.
I read all the time that abusive men can’t change but honestly I feel that he has, it took a long time for me to be convinced.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

LuluMelons · 18/01/2019 20:21

I would still be cautious in your situation. People can change but its very, very hard.

LoisWilkerson1 · 18/01/2019 20:37

That's great. You sound happy but I would also say to be careful of a relapse. Some people are fine when things are going their way. Interventions, rehab etc must work or we wouldn't bother having them as a society.

LaurieFairyCake · 18/01/2019 20:46

Of course people can change

But it's important to remember that:

They can do it over THERE and you're not obliged to hang about and suffer it

And

They will also have to continue to work with the problem, possibly forever

Notajourno · 18/01/2019 20:47

My Grandpa was an violent wife and child beater. When my cousin was born my Aunt made amends and he was fine for five years. Until one day my 2 year only big sister annoyed him and he pushed her and went to punch her. My Dad stopped him.

Abusers rarely change. There will always be a point at which they snap.

Whoishe · 18/01/2019 20:50

I’m afraid I agree with the others. It only takes one occasion to ‘anger’ him. I’ve been in a very Similar situation to you.

One thing that made me think, during the freedom programme, was that a man who strangles/ grabs his wife by the neck could eventually kill her!

Leave, for yours and your dc safety xx

Ultramic · 18/01/2019 20:50

I think people can change, but they're the exception rather than the rule, and while I could learn to forgive I certainly wouldn't forget.

YourGlassesAreOnYourHead · 18/01/2019 20:51

You got married to a violent drug addict and you were complicit in hiding his behaviour. Excuse me if I don't believe how great he is now. You are proven to tolerate absolutely fucking awful behaviour from a man. Why did you choose to post? What's going on?

whiteworld · 18/01/2019 20:52

When there are many nice men out there, why would you stay with a man who has been violent to you? How can you forget? Or forgive?

Merename · 18/01/2019 20:54

I believe they can and I hope it is lasting for you and your children’s sake. Does he show insight into why he behaved so badly and how it impacted you and your child? I think this is key to change. I work with domestic abusers and find this to be a group who rarely show meaningful change, mostly because they frequently don’t believe they have done anything wrong and genuinely appear to believe that the partner made them do it etc.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 18/01/2019 20:55

I'm happy for you, OP. But most of us who have been there, don't experience what you have. You've been very very lucky. Long may it continue

Whoishe · 18/01/2019 20:56

@merename That’s a very helpful point! I was always made to feel that I was to blame. Did/do you feel like this OP?

CalmDownPacino · 18/01/2019 20:56

He grabbed you by the neck whilst you were holding a four month old baby? I can't believe you'd let a man like that darken your doorstep ever again.

Milkmachine15 · 18/01/2019 20:57

I’m a bit shocked that you had children with such a man!! Maybe they can but to be honest I’d be forever questioning if today would be the day that he’d snap and be permanently on egg shells as previous experiences say no, abusers do not change they merely mask it a bit better and then it’s worse when they do lose control!!

Ozziewozzie · 18/01/2019 20:57

Of course people can change. It has however dependant on so many factors, ie childhood, parents, friends, life style, dependency, partners, own personality, health, life experience. The lust is endless. It sounds as though your dp was angry about something but not you. It takes one hell of a man to take themselves off to get help, complete that help and apply it to their future. Credit to him.

TheFaerieQueene · 18/01/2019 20:57

No no no

MeredithGrey1 · 18/01/2019 20:59

I absolutely believe people can change. I also absolutely believe I wouldn’t be able to be there to see it happen, I’d be on guard all the time, and would be scared to have any kind is disagreement with him, just in case. Maybe you’re not, maybe you are relaxed, and maybe since taking him back you’ve had arguments that have not involved any violence, or threats or intimidation etc and if so that’s great. But to be totally honest I’d never take back a man like that because even if he was great, I’d worry about what would happen if (in a few years it didn’t work out for totally different reasons) I tried to leave him, and what kind of anger that might provoke.

Perfectly1mperfect · 18/01/2019 20:59

I don't know.

I've known a fair few abusive men; my father, grandfather, uncles and they're all still the same. Some have promised to change, none ever have.

I suppose it's not impossible, but I think if it's possible, it must be rare.

formerbabe · 18/01/2019 21:00

No idea if men can change but I'd rather not risk it.

buckeejit · 18/01/2019 21:06

I really hope so. I think in your situation, I'd be inclined to have him check in with a counsellor semi regularly to identify any potential risk zones or something-like an abusers version of AA?

Other than your parents does anyone else know about the previous incidents?

oiiiiiii · 18/01/2019 21:07

Four years is nothing at all. You can only say "hes changed" once he dies and you get to look back on his entire life? Surely?

Many women post here about how they had lulls in violence for years at a stretch. And then it starts again.

Look - you covered up his violence. In fact, you covered up violence that may have seen his children removed from his care permanently. This means you're a criminal too. Sadly its your children who inherit your fucked legacy. You've chosen a man who'd assaulted you in front of your infant... you've put him first. That makes you nearly as bad as him.

People do change. Relationships typically change very little. I have little hope for you and I feel v sorry for the children you've thrown to the wolves

Didsomeonesaybunny · 18/01/2019 21:12

From personal experience no, my ex who was physically and mentally abusive could not change despite his protestations that he would. HIs behaviour got progressively worse and given his recent actions I am quite scared of him. I don’t recognise him anymore.

You’re safer away from him I think

Senioritafamiglia · 18/01/2019 21:18

Just hope your ok op xx

PastaCake · 18/01/2019 21:24

I like to think so for the sake of my ex's new partner. However for me it wouldn't be worth the risk. When I was in the situation I believed he could change and he promised he was working on it. Looking back he was just saying what he knew I wanted to hear and I was always one wrong move away from setting him off again.

Merename · 18/01/2019 21:28

Glad it helped @Whoishe. Violence towards you is never your fault, even if you provoked, people remain in control of their own actions.

@oiiiiiii, harsh, very harsh. These issues are not black and white and it’s not just abusers who blame victims

XmasPostmanBos · 18/01/2019 21:30

I do believe people can change but I also believe people can relapse. So this is what I would worry about.

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