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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think abusive men can change

76 replies

Justforthis45 · 18/01/2019 20:10

I have name changed for this but...
My DH has a fiery temper forever, he also had a drug abuse problem, weed when we met but previously coke. We met and married very quickly as obviously there was an awful lot about him that I loved. There was a couple of incidents of violence before we had children, the worst when I had a miscarriage and was just home from hospital, we had an argument because he was going out with his friends when I needed him and he pushed me hard and sent me flying across the kitchen floor, I called the police. I then got the ‘I will change I will change etc etc’ and gave in took him back and we had my DD.
When DD was 4 months old we had an argument, he was absolutely useless sleeping 10 hrs per night in spare room, getting up at 10am whilst I was up all night with our newborn Dd. I was totally shattered.
We had an argument when I was holding 4 month old dd and he went for me and grabbed my neck. I was terrified. I didn’t call the police though because I was scared of social services but I left him that night, called my parents and went to stay with them.
In this time he enrolled himself in an 8 month long abusers rehabilitation course, attended NA and gave up weed and alcohol and was prescribed sertraline. When I could see a real change in him I took him back and eventually we had my son.
I honestly feel like he is a completely changed man, in 4 years he is hands on dad, absolutely equal parent, does most of the domestic chores and is a patient loving father with the children. He is calm and loving with me and absolutely dotes on me.
I read all the time that abusive men can’t change but honestly I feel that he has, it took a long time for me to be convinced.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

gottastopeatingchocolate · 18/01/2019 21:33

I read into this.. it is rare, and when it happens, it does so because of successful "abusers' programmes". From what you have said, it is possible your partner is one of the rare ones. But I could imagine you might always be a bit on your guard.

Given his history, I assume you would get out at the very first sign of "relapse".

Wordthe · 18/01/2019 21:35

I would find it very hard to trust a person who been violent towards me
Abusive people can change but my concern would be that the abusiveness is a fundamental part of their personality structure so it's difficult to see how change can be effected

Original poster

Justforthis45 · 18/01/2019 21:40

To the poster who asked if he had insight - yes he does and he has fundamentally changed who he is on the back of it. I have an adult stepchild who can’t belive the fundamental change in her dad, not that he has ever been abusive to her but all his anger has gone which would show in road rage etc etc. I posted as was promoted to think about this from another thread. It wasn’t just a case of he said sorry and I believed him. I left and he did an enormous amount of work to get to the core of who he is and why and works every day to change it. He obviously accepts complete responsibility for his actions but I look at him now and think back and it feels like a different lifetime.

OP posts:

Original poster

Justforthis45 · 18/01/2019 21:41

Prompted not promoted

OP posts:

ComicsansHorror · 18/01/2019 21:41

Domestic abuse has a terribly high recidivism rate compared to other crimes.

These men don’t change.

SuziQ10 · 18/01/2019 21:42

No. Abusers don't change.

He's capable of becoming aggressive to a women with a small baby in her arms. He's got a stew loose & not to be fully trusted.

I'd never have a person like this left with my kids alone.

Wordthe · 18/01/2019 21:42

I feel that some people are inherently predatory and are always drawn to exploit weaknesses in others

SuziQ10 · 18/01/2019 21:43

** screw loose

Wordthe · 18/01/2019 21:44

He may just be working at a more subtle level but we know that he has the potential to escalate into violence
he has crossed the line before and it will be easier to cross it again

Milkmachine15 · 18/01/2019 21:44

I think if you CHOOSE to have children with someone known to be abusive you are partially responsible to any abuse they may suffer because of it. If it’s just you then by all means give as many chances as you like that’s your choice. Children do not ask to be put in such positions and they suffer as a result, why would you risk him ‘maybe maybe not’ changing when you have kids AND you had managed to get out of there!!

BejamNostalgia · 18/01/2019 21:45

I do think that addiction is possibly the only situation where they can because it changes people’s characters so entirely they’re effectively a different person.

But I think there needs to be boundaries in place eg any repeat and it is instantly finished.

Original poster

Justforthis45 · 18/01/2019 21:47

So the vast majority is seems believe that men who have been abusive cannot change. I don’t think there is anything more my DH could have done or do to prove he has. I will always be on guard and I would never tolerate any form of abuse again. I am fortunate in that I am entirely financially independent so that isn’t a concern for me but we have a happy family with three wonderful children and so I pray that he is the exception

OP posts:

Jumppinghay · 18/01/2019 21:47

Personally, no I don't think people can change. They perhaps mask or suppress, even for years, but they don't change.

I hope it works out for you, especially for your children.

TooGood2BeFalse · 18/01/2019 21:50

Prayers won't help.

OracleofDelphi · 18/01/2019 22:04

Sorry I’m going to disagree with posters hear .... if he showed sociopathic tendencies, enjoyed inflicting pain, was emotionally abusive, controlling as well as violent I would say no absolutely not - not ever. But from OP it states he was using weed and coke , and subsequently gave up alcohol and all drugs as well as attending intensive counselling.

In which case he wasn’t violent for the sake of it - surely it was as a result of the drugs and alcohol....?

Having said that it’s not for us to decide if he has changed enough, or for us to agree we could be with someone with that past.... but the fact that is was a manifestation of substance and alcohol abuse surely means he had s higher chance of not repeating if he steers clear of those things ?

Sidelook · 18/01/2019 22:07

A leopard never changes its spots. Living your life always on guard is emotionally draining. Why live this way?

userschmoozer · 18/01/2019 22:09

The detailed, graphic descriptions aren't necessary to have the discussion 'can people change'.

kaytee87 · 18/01/2019 22:10

I wouldn't be hanging around to find out if an abusive man can change.
You know it's not normal to 'always be on guard' in a relationship? Are you posting here for some sort of validation that you've done the right thing in taking him back?

Original poster

Justforthis45 · 18/01/2019 22:11

Detailed and graphic? Thought it was very topline just explaining my experience

OP posts:

Original poster

Justforthis45 · 18/01/2019 22:12

No validation - I just read frequently on here that abusive men can’t change, it’s not my experience and I wondered if anyone else had seen long term change in someone who had done everything they could to change themselves.

OP posts:

Bellasorellaa · 18/01/2019 22:17

No but good luck with that

Sidelook · 18/01/2019 22:17

You know it's not normal to 'always be on guard' in a relationship?
Why live this way justforthis45?

PastaCake · 18/01/2019 22:21

Why do you want to be on edge and on guard when you could remove the tension and potential that it could escalate quickly?

Original poster

Justforthis45 · 18/01/2019 22:22

I am not on edge at all and when I say oh guard I mean the slightest sign of old behaviour I would be out

OP posts:

SurfingGiantess · 18/01/2019 22:25

I have OP.
He was also smoking weed all the time not violent but angry! Very quick to become angry and shouty.
He's stopped the weed gone to counselling and had been diagnosed with anxiety.
He has changed so much. Is calm and laid back and very loving. No more anger as such. Or I should say he's able to deal with his feelings now which he never learnt how to do before.
It's very rare and I don't know if it's forever but I'd like to believe it is. We're happy.

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