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Original poster

45 year age gap - Filipino bride

307 replies

binkyblinky · 18/01/2019 17:42

Argh help me.

My step dad (mum's Ex partner) is in his 60s. He split from my mum when I was 14 and we have remained very close. He has been like a dad to me and my sister.

He is a lovely, warm, kind man. We both love him to bits. He has been unlucky in love and has been desperately lonely.

Well anyway he's gone to the Philippines and met someone - turns out she is only 19. (He has told us she is 25) but I've had a nosey on Facebook and found her.

I know the age gap is huge but I've seen bigger. I don't understand the attraction and I don't have a clue about Filipino culture. Is this the norm? Is he in danger?

We are going to visit him and have a frank discussion with him. She has applied to come over here on a work visa (she's a student)

Just wanted advice / thoughts. Also I know it's a shocking age gap. I don't need to be told that and I don't want to hear abuse towards him. I'm not keen on the idea.

Thankyou

OP posts:
Nenuco · 19/01/2019 10:00

I'm a Filipina who lives in Australia. And no, before anyone suspects me for a mail-order-bride, I did not have to marry an Australian to come over. I came from a family whose household income was around £15,000/month on average, and we were considered upper middle class in the Philippines. There were many like me, and many families earning a lot lot more than my father.

But yes, there is a lot of poverty in the Philippines because of the inequality of the distribution of wealth. If you're poor, you're basically screwed. No health insurance, no student loans, no free education beyond high school. It's a terrible place to be poor in.

This 19 year old girl is yes, most probably in this for the promise of a good life. And yes, maybe being coerced into it by her own family. But the guy is going to get something out of this too. I strongly doubt he is being deceived in this scenario.

IcedPurple · 19/01/2019 10:04

He's probably shown her kindness and she likes the romantic notion of being whisked away to the UK.

If a 40 years older man from, say, Bangladesh showed her kindness and offered to whisk her away to his country, would she find it equally 'romantic' do you think?

Of course she is in it for the money/visa. 19 year old girls don't marry old men unless there's something in it for them.

Lweji · 19/01/2019 10:07

For anyone with romantic silly ideas about this pairing, how do you think they met?
My guess is he was targeted and bit the bait, or he went to see what was on offer.
No crap about kindness or romantic notions.

TheClitterati · 19/01/2019 10:10

I'm shocked how many on this thread would offer up their single friends to date this guy.

It's another example of how so many men are so very sad and disappointing. Why would you want this guy to date someone you called a friend?

Thesuzle · 19/01/2019 10:12

OP inform the Foreign office get any visa application blocked....

Nenuco · 19/01/2019 10:14

I watched a documentary, I'm not sure if it was on Netflix or youtube, about Caucasian men going to Thailand to meet women. I think there are agencies who do this. Basically you sign up to join this tour, and then they bring the men to a bar where there are young women waiting to pair up. There are probably some in the Philippines, they probably met through that.

Or, you know, online dating. Believe it or not, we actually have internet in the Philippines. ;-)

FishCanFly · 19/01/2019 10:15

If a 40 years older man from, say, Bangladesh showed her kindness and offered to whisk her away to his country, would she find it equally 'romantic' do you think?
don't forget what is the culture of men of those countries and their attitudes towards women.
60yo white guy maybe not an "ideal dream match", but a big chance he'd be a somewhat decent human being

Nenuco · 19/01/2019 10:15

OP inform the Foreign office get any visa application blocked....

On what grounds? Pretty hard to prove she's only in it for the money because she's poor no?

ThisWayDown · 19/01/2019 10:19

I hate the phrase “something in it for them” being applied to the 19yo here. The ‘something’ in this case may be the seemingly better of 2 options her family have given her - (a) find a Western man to support you/us, (b) work overseas as a domestic servant.

IcedPurple · 19/01/2019 10:24

@ThisWayDown

I get what you're saying, but my point is that the woman isn't in this because of 'romantic notions'. She probably loathes the idea of sleeping with a man old enough to be her granddad, but is doing it out of desperation or in the hopes of having a materially better life. She wouldn't marry an old man from her town, would she?

SuperSuperSuper · 19/01/2019 10:24

That poor, desperate young woman. It's chilling.

hendricksy · 19/01/2019 10:24

My fil has a Thai bride , she will be in it for the money and family security . He said he met her when he went on holiday but actually it was set up . There are agencies that do it for you . He has friends who have very young Thai brides and it makes me feel such frankly but I can't change it . I feel so much for the women because although they have a choice it's not a nice one .
You will lose any inheritance as it will pass to her and her family when he dies . Sad but true .

IcedPurple · 19/01/2019 10:25

don't forget what is the culture of men of those countries and their attitudes towards women.
60yo white guy maybe not an "ideal dream match", but a big chance he'd be a somewhat decent human being

I've met lots of decent human beings from Bangladesh, male and female.

And I'm not sure an old man who goes to a poor country in the hope of finding a teen bride is a 'somewhat decent human being'.

Nenuco · 19/01/2019 10:25

don't forget what is the culture of men of those countries and their attitudes towards women

Could you please clarify what you mean by the "culture of men of those countries"?

juneau · 19/01/2019 10:32

One other thing to consider OP - if your DSF told you she's 25 then maybe he doesn't know that she's 19 ... just a thought. A lot of 60-somethings are pretty clueless on the internet. Knowing she's actually a teenager might even make him reconsider (although I'm not holding my breath - a 63-year-old who thinks its okay to exploit a 25-year-old quite possibly won't baulk at a exploiting a teenager either, but it might be worth a try).

FishCanFly · 19/01/2019 10:40

if your DSF told you she's 25 then maybe he doesn't know that she's 19 ... just a thought. Still a consenting adult.

Could you please clarify what you mean by the "culture of men of those countries"?
I won't point fingers at specific countries, but it isn't like women have much equality or even basic human rights in the developing world.

BrightStarrySky · 19/01/2019 10:44

Actually Fish, women are very influential in the Philippines. The country has had at least two female Presidents. The problem is poverty. This young woman is looking for a way to a better life and a way to aupport her extended family. I would probably do the same in that position.

Grimbles · 19/01/2019 10:46

Some of the excuses being made for these men are unbelievable.

IcedPurple · 19/01/2019 10:47

Still a consenting adult

She's an adult - just about - but how can you be sure she is 'consenting'? Since you say that women have few rights in 'developing countries' (all of them according to you, no matter how different in culture) surely there's a chance that this very young woman has been coerced into this arrangement by her male relatives? What with the "culture of men of those countries" and all?

Nenuco · 19/01/2019 10:48

I won't point fingers at specific countries, but it isn't like women have much equality or even basic human rights in the developing world.

This is a blanket statement that is untrue in the Philippines. As what BrightStarrySky said, we have had two female Presidents. And there are more female CEOs in the Philippines than males. There is no gross inequality between men and women, and we pretty much have the same opportunities as men do.

Nenuco · 19/01/2019 10:49

And I'm not sure an old man who goes to a poor country in the hope of finding a teen bride is a 'somewhat decent human being'.

LOL EXACTLY!!!

Original poster
binkyblinky · 19/01/2019 11:08

Further developments.
She has 4 Facebook profiles and a 14 month old girl. She looks older in some of the pictures. Lots of men from various countries liking her pictures. I don't think she is 19

OP posts:
silvercuckoo · 19/01/2019 11:18

At 19, she is unlikely to get a work visa to the UK, unless she is a child prodigy , a successful entrepreneur or something like that. The effective salary cut-off last year was around £50K. There are no youth mobility visas for Philippines, these routes are restricted to the first world applicants.
I would not judge anyone in this situation, I think it is not a love at first side, but a fair trade in a certain sense (the age gap is a bit on the extreme side though). Women from the developing world are much more mature and street-wise than their age peers from the developed world, in many countries they are expected to be married and start having children around that age. I find the prevailing attitude on this thread quite patronising. Unless you are actively involved in increasing the number of options in life available to this 19-year-old, how can you judge her decisions, or decide that she is being exploited? Hey you, we decided you are being exploited, so please oblige to go back where you came from, and sit there poor and proud.

BlancheM · 19/01/2019 11:19

LOL at 60-somethings being clueless on the internet! This isn't some doddering, senile old fool who doesn't understand what he's doing.
The fact he's claimed she's older than she is just means he knows how distasteful the situation is, and is trying to appear less immoral and exploitative.

BlancheM · 19/01/2019 11:23

Silver sorry but in some cultures, children are considered streetwise and fair game for sex and marriage at the age of or before puberty. Doesn't mean that someone from our country where the culture and social norms are different, should go over and take advantage!

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