45 year age gap - Filipino bride

[binkyblinky]

Argh help me.

My step dad (mum's Ex partner) is in his 60s. He split from my mum when I was 14 and we have remained very close. He has been like a dad to me and my sister.

He is a lovely, warm, kind man. We both love him to bits. He has been unlucky in love and has been desperately lonely.

Well anyway he's gone to the Philippines and met someone - turns out she is only 19. (He has told us she is 25) but I've had a nosey on Facebook and found her.

I know the age gap is huge but I've seen bigger. I don't understand the attraction and I don't have a clue about Filipino culture. Is this the norm? Is he in danger?

We are going to visit him and have a frank discussion with him. She has applied to come over here on a work visa (she's a student)

Just wanted advice / thoughts. Also I know it's a shocking age gap. I don't need to be told that and I don't want to hear abuse towards him. I'm not keen on the idea.

Thankyou

Nenuco I agree. If you suggested it was a way to gain entry in the UK or a kind of sham marriage, perhaps the Foreign Office would take note.

It seems to happen a lot.
Theres no fool like an old fool.

I know a couple like this (except the age gap is a bit smaller and the chap is American). They have been married for some time. They have a child and seem happy enough. One can never be sure.

Those young women must be desperate.

Women from the developing world are much more mature and street-wise than their age peers from the developed world

Ah the 'maturity' argument raises its head, as it always does to justify teenagers marrying old men(never the reverse). I was slightly surprised it hadn't done so before now.

She's 19. A teenager. In 2 years, he'll be an OAP. Slice and dice it how you will, there is a chasm in life experience there. Add in the fact that she comes from a much poorer country and will depend on him for her visa and pretty much everything else, there's no way this can be anything other than a highly unequal 'relationship'.

She's older than 19, I think. Looking at her other profiles. No idea what's going on

Women from the developing world are much more mature and street-wise than their age peers from the developed world

Some maybe but not generally, at least in the Philippines.

Silver sorry but in some cultures, children are considered streetwise and fair game for sex and marriage at the age of or before puberty.
I am sure that 19 years old is above the age of consent / marriageable age in absolute majority of jurisdictions.

If you suggested it was a way to gain entry in the UK or a kind of sham marriage, perhaps the Foreign Office would take note.
The Foreign Office has nothing to do with issues like that, it is the Home Office who are in charge of immigration in the UK.

I didn't say it wasn't, silver. I was demonstrating that your argument about cultures being different across the world doesn't work. Which was clear from what I wrote.

With the multiple profiles and lies about age, i'd say this is the tip of the iceberg. She's not being honest with him and likely has several of these "relationships" on the go sending her money, waiting for the right guy to get her a visa/marry her.
What does he see in her (apart from the obvious) because I doubt that they have much in common. How do they communicate is her english or his philipino fluent? What are each others expectations in a partner? How will they navigate the age and cultural differences?

I was demonstrating that your argument about cultures being different across the world doesn't work.
I wasn't making a cultural argument. There is a difference in life awareness that comes from growing in a precarious economy, and people mature faster. At 19, I had to support an elderly relative with dementia (as a carer and financially, working late nights, with zero support available from the government - because there is zero welfare system where I am from), while studying for a degree. Many of my friends were in similar or worse situations. My peers in the UK at the same time were probably just packing their Barbie dolls away.

If a 64 year old British man had offered at that time to pay to continue my studies in the UK in exchange for sex and housekeeping, I would not think twice, it would be a no brainer. Not that I am good at housekeeping anyway, so not sure how fair a deal that would be

If a 64 year old British man had offered at that time to pay to continue my studies in the UK in exchange for sex and housekeeping, I would not think twice, it would be a no brainer.

That's a sign of desperation, not maturity.

At 19, I had to support an elderly relative with dementia (as a carer and financially, working late nights, with zero support available from the government - because there is zero welfare system where I am from), while studying for a degree. Many of my friends were in similar or worse situations. My peers in the UK at the same time were probably just packing their Barbie dolls away.

Right. Because everyone in the UK is rich and pampered. The welfare system is perfect and no British student has ever needed to work to finance their studies.

Same, silver. I think I've made it clear throughout that my judgement is entirely towards the man here, not the 19 year old.

Remittances make up about 10% of Philippines GDP.
Even if the GNI shrank by 10%, they'd still be a firmly lower middle income country.

This discussion reminds me of concerns about working conditions in Bangladeshi textile factories (which I'm sure could still be better while conomically viable). The thing is, that booming industry may have many injustices, not great pay, long grueling hours in iffy conditions, but it has brought huge economic and social independence to the young women who work in it. + skills. Sometimes the benefits & drawbacks in a situation aren't simple to understand.

That's a sign of desperation, not maturity.
I am assessing it from the point where I am now, with a relatively safe career, lifestyle and salary, and far from desperation. It would have been a reasonable decision at that time.

The welfare system is perfect and no British student has ever needed to work to finance their studies.
Sometimes, when I read MN, it does feel like the UK is literally the poorest country in the world, people having to work and horrors like that

I think I've made it clear throughout that my judgement is entirely towards the man here, not the 19 year old.
I agree he looks sleazy. But his motivation, I think, is clear and is as old as mankind itself.

I am assessing it from the point where I am now, with a relatively safe career, lifestyle and salary, and far from desperation. It would have been a reasonable decision at that time.

Perhaps - but not because you were 'mature', but because you were desperate, which is not the same thing at all. Put it this way: you wouldn't have considered it a 'reasonable decision' to sex an old man if he were poor, would you?

Sometimes, when I read MN, it does feel like the UK is literally the poorest country in the world, people having to work and horrors like that

Well, you can't have read this thread to closely if so. Most posters are very well aware that the UK is indeed a very rich country compared to much of the world.

OP: she's probably courting several men at once. Which is reasonable if she has no firm commitments & neither do they to her. That doesn't mean she won't settle faithfully & loyally with only one favourite.

I'm sure he knows what he's getting into, not much you can do but be there to pick up the pieces.

we have had two female Presidents. And there are more female CEOs in the Philippines than males

Pakistan has had a female PM and it is a horrific place to be a woman. China has the most self-made female millionaires. Doesn’t mean that life is great for those in the lower classes .....

Put it this way: you wouldn't have considered it a 'reasonable decision' to sex an old man if he were poor, would you?
Depends on the man, but most likely - no. If it is a business-like transaction, then both sides have to assess their gains and contributions. Business transactions are not necessarily bad or immoral, they are usually to the benefit (maybe asymmetrical, one gains more than the other) of both parties.

Further developments.
She has 4 Facebook profiles and a 14 month old girl. She looks older in some of the pictures. Lots of men from various countries liking her pictures. I don't think she is 19

It's a hot mess he's stepping into, clearly. You can only stand by and watch. My friend is struggling with her lonely dad whose Filipino wife is gone all the time. He now wants to move in with his DD and her husband and 3 kids for half the year while his wife is away, then move back into his own flat when his wife decides to return 'home' to him here in the UK. So my friend will support her dad in the absence of his wife. And she'll probably get no thanks for it. Money shouldn't matter but it does. The reality is that any asset he has will not go to his daughter and grandchildren. It will all go to the invisible wife.

Sorry for the bold fail.