What the hell is the problem with mums at the school gate.

[Lifeisnotsimple]

We adopted a 3 yr old and live in a little village, obviously i never got to meet other mums via baby groups and i am not from the area originally. When ever i rock up at the school to collect ds people cant even be civil and say hello, im constantly looked at as if ive 5 heads wtf! I always go out of my way to smile and speak but some are so ignorant. I absolutley hate the school run, feels like being back at school, not with grown women picking up their children from school.

Parents on the school run are just normal people from various walks of life with all the normal issues that come with being human much like a group of office workers. You can't write them all off as being cliquey and unfriendly, if this is how you perceive the world that is how the world will be. It's a tad self obsessed to think everyone is giving you the evils.

Seline how do you know you don't have anything in common with other school mums unless you start chatting. Could be you have loads of interests and opinions and hobbies etc in common just your paths have never crossed before.

bookmum80 That's true, but I wouldn't even know how to go about it. Usually I meet someone over an interest so the topic is already there. Unstructured socialising with someone I know nothing about other than we both have children is really hard.

Rise above it and ignore. I avoid school mums purposely!

Seline I agree it is very hard. It took me years to get to the stage I am at now. My girl is Yr 6 now and has been at the school since nursery. The first few years was mostly polite chat and me feeling a but jealous when other mums seemed to buddy up. By about Yr 2 was gaining confidence and Yr 3 joined the PTA. I wish I had been braver at the start. Sometimes you have just gotta go for it.

Too much time on their hands and not much else going on in their lives.

Was always happy to be a working mum and escape this idle gossip etc at the school gates

@masterandmargarita bollocks.

I find the cliquey school gate mums a bit tragic and don't engage. I'm happy as a social pariah in one single microcosm. I have lots of friends in the rest of my life I k ow it's not me!!

honestly, it’s over in a nanosecond, before you know it they’re making their own way to high school and you never have to set eyes on another parent again! I’ve done three lots of school runs and still have a couple of years until our youngest walks to school and back. I don’t let it bother me anymore because I know it’s a tiny stage of life and then over. I can barely remember the names or faces of the Mums from my eldest dcs school run days. I see Mums at my youngest’s school getting fraught and anxious about playground politics and think gawd, in a couple of years they’ll forget all of this, it will be irrelevant.

I'm always surprised that these threads seem to foster an idea that mums who already know people when their kids start school are seen as uber confident people who are desperate to protect their clique and know who hasn't already got friends but actively choose not to welcome them into the fold.

I only did school runs briefly, but I knew a few people from volunteering at preschool and I sought them out on the school run precisely because I wasn't particularly confident, didn't know anyone else in the village and the comfort of some familiar faces made it slightly easier. I was the one who felt like I was at sea and it was all I could do to ease that in myself, let alone soothe anyone else's insecurities.

I didn't necessarily register all the other parents, in between checking that my kids were still with me, had everything they needed and weren't missing out on some big event the next day. Most other parents had kids who weren't in my son's year so I would assume that those who weren't talking to others had chosen not to engage or were after a quiet few minutes before heading off to work or similar.

If someone had approached me, I would have been more than happy to say hello and make small talk, but having a couple of friends with kids in the same year as my son didn't suddenly make me a social organiser or someone who felt they were in a position to spot someone standing on their own and assume that they wanted to be friends with me. What looks like a clique from the outside might just be a few people who spot a familiar face and knock about with them rather than a structured social group deliberately excluding outsiders for any (or no) reason.

Wow, there are so many unkind people around.

OP - I'm sure it's not you

I would also suggest speaking to grandparents doing the school run. I'm a GP and I chat to everyone :)

Oct18mummy
too much time on their hands and not much going on with their lives

Good grief it that what you really think. That people have no life because they decide to talk (and maybe befriend) another human that they regularly see while going about their (non) life.
I have a lot going on with my life - more than I ever did in my working (ie paid employment) life. This is because I am so much more part of my local community - the community I have chosen to live in. This is pretty much due to people I have come into contact with through school /children's groups /children's centre etc.

School gates can be cliques. A number at our scho were in school together themselves, or the children go to the same dance /gym groups.
Although we knew them from a parent and toddler group, at the gates they can be cliquey. They didn't ignore but didn't encourage. In time you will find our who h ones have a more similar outlook to you.

Drop off is drop and go (school doesn't want parents hanging around and we need to get to work.).
On the 2 days I do the pick up, my mother in law is there too, picking up my nephew, so we naturally chat together (we get on really well anyway and she phones me "just for a chat")

A lot of drop offs and pick ups are by SAHMs so if you think about it they may only have that brief spell of chit chat at the school gates with nothing in between. That’s their social life right there. There are these cliques in every school playground, and I never felt the need to join them. I think parents think if they don’t join the ‘gang’ that their DCs don’t get invited to parties or play dates etc. Not the case at all - mine still had many school friends and got invited to lots of parties.

For some reason there's a perception now that school gates is a social gathering and way to bond/make friends with other mums. (I suppose it is if you want it to be) but do you?? I don't. I send my DS to an excellent outstandingly ofsted rated school in the middle of an underprivelaged estate (I live in a lesser deprived estate that happens to be around the corner) love the school but most of the mums are about a decade younger and are very different to me. I make hellos and goodbyes and would make small talk if the opportunity arose. But they have their chums and cliques and that's fine by me. Couple of mums are more friendly but hey ho so long as their children are not causing mine any bother and vice versa that's all I'm after. I couldn't care less for school gates chat. Hence I'll wait in my car to the last minute and either be the first one there to collect or the last . Please don't feel pressured to be on pally terms if its not happening for you. So long as your child is getting on well socially and educationally. There's groups and clubs you can join with your child if you want to meet like minded mums that may be out of your village surely?

I don't think the OP is looking to make BBF at the school gates. It's just common civility when you see the same people at the same time everyday.

When I walk to work through the park to work I see the same dog walkers everyday, we smile and exchange a few comments about the weather. It's the same at the gym I go to, people I see regularly in the changing room, in the cafe, in the gym and in classes always nod and smile and exchange a few words.

my little boy started reception in September aswell so far I've been lucky and everyone chats to people. Some people do know each other and obviously they are friends bit if they are chatting to you and a friend arrives they just keep chatting so that's good. I say hello to everyone I see and try and chat I don't find this easy but force myself. I've been for a coffee with a couple of mums but what I've found is some have started working more now child in school or gone back after maternity leave of younger child so don't see some mums regularly. As you see on this thread some people don't want to chat or be friends so you are possibly encountering some of these people plus some established friendship groups. Are there any other mums on their own not part of the group ? Have you approached anyone and said hi ? I would try this and also ask a few questions and see how you go. Good luck

Some days, I'll chat to anyone who makes eye contact and flashes a smile.

Other days, I've fought several battles with one or both children before leaving the house and I'm stuck in survival mode. On those days, I don't see anyone except my dearest two mates who understand without me opening my mouth just how shit my morning has been and say all the right things. Some days, I'm really busy with PTA crap, and I have to find the deputy head to confirm where the bloody cake stall can be set up. On those days, I'm on a mission and I don't have time for a chat.

Sorry to say, the single focus days outnumber the happy smiley ones... I do own a 3yo! But at PTA events, I have loads more time to chat and that's where I've found I have made friends from other 'cliques'

Play ground politics at school with dd can be horrible. Cliques. One parent of older children said in her experience dds was a particularly bad year.

I’m disabled and chronically ill. I was and am just invisible for the most part. A few people are friendly enough to say hello. But not nice enough to see me struggling to walk the few metres from the classroom to the car t pick up as I hobble along making me feel very insignificant.

My health has taken an upturn for a couple of months now - in the morning at least and people talk to me more. If I can surmise, I think people don’t like what isn’t the norm. You are out of place at the moment perhaps. So your best bet is to become more of the norm. You do that by being friendly and picking others off as pps have suggested.

I don't see 'cliques' - I see groups of people who know each other. I will talk to anyone, so don't really give a fig about so called cliques and who chats to who. If you're standing near me I'll chat to you.

Sounds like little village mentality. None of the mum's at my kids schools stand around gossiping.

Ergh you’d love my school.
They’re sooooooo friendly and constantly trying to involve me in things. Thankfully I see them once a week.

I made most of my friends at the school gate. Its daft to say that all you have in common is children of the same age. You can say that about any situation where you meet people, like work or hobbies. All you MIGHT have in common is work.

I wonder if the issue is the village. DH's parents have lived in a village in Somerset for over 50 years and they are still jokingly known as outsiders because people don't know who their parents and grandparents were!

I hope their children to not grow up to be so miserable and discourteous.

I used to work 4 days out of 5, so was only able to drop off/pick up my daughter once a week and had the same sort of experience as you, at first. I just got through it by smiling and being friendly. There must be at least one other mum who isn’t in a clique, or doesn’t seem mean, just smile and ask if their child is enjoying school. I can’t say I made loads of friends, but there are two lovely mums that I’m still in touch with and we have a coffee now and again. Yes, to striking up a conversation with grandparents too, they do seem to be warmer and more approachable.

I felt this - we moved to a new city mid way through a school year and I really tried to make friends at the school gate because I didn’t know anyone in the whole city! I really tried - there were only one or two parents who talked to me consistently by the end of the first term. So I went to extreme lengths and joined the PTA - now I have a wide network of people across a huge school who I consider my friends - and they are my sort of people because they are ‘joiner in ers’. Lots of parents who have moved to the city from elsewhere - so there is a sense of needing connection - and ive been involved in changing the way that the school and the school community welcomes new parents. There are a number of adoptive parents involved in the PTA - we have a strong health and well-being programme - last year we paid for a screening of the ‘Resilience’ film which was instigated by an adoptive parent who wants our school community to be aware of the impact that adverse childhood experiences have on children’s brain development amd subsequent behaviour and physical and emotional health. So in my experience, reaching out in a different way, and going all in with the school has been really rewarding!