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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What the hell is the problem with mums at the school gate.

110 replies

Lifeisnotsimple · 18/01/2019 12:54

We adopted a 3 yr old and live in a little village, obviously i never got to meet other mums via baby groups and i am not from the area originally. When ever i rock up at the school to collect ds people cant even be civil and say hello, im constantly looked at as if ive 5 heads wtf! I always go out of my way to smile and speak but some are so ignorant. I absolutley hate the school run, feels like being back at school, not with grown women picking up their children from school.

OP posts:

mightyoak100 · 18/01/2019 13:39

guildTheLily and you sound delightful.

Ethel36 · 18/01/2019 13:39

If it helps its like this at my school gate too. I just smile! What can you do with these miserable bastards?! 😂

Aftershock15 · 18/01/2019 13:41

I suspect that some of you who say that you just dash in and drop the children, keep your head down and don’t want to make friends as all you have in common are children the same age are at schools with parents like the OP who feel excluded and that no one is friendly. I’m not saying that you are wrong in your attitude just that you could be being perceived as the unfriendly, cliquey people. Obviously there are some schools where there are groups who actively shun people, but I think most just have people distracted by their own lives and not so aware of everyone. Once you start giving off vibes that you hate the whole thing and think everyone else is against you, the odd moment someone pops out of their bubble, they perceive you as unfriendly and back off. And the circle continues.

macmacaroon · 18/01/2019 13:43

I find it awkward although try to be friendly. I find it surprising how many socially awkward mums there are. The ones who don't make eye contact or smile. It's also very fragmented as some stand in one part of the playground and others in another. I no longer try too hard so I used to try to seek out people to chat to but now I go and if I don't strike up conversation naturally I stand there on my own. Let someone try/make conversation with me for once.

Ribbonsonabox · 18/01/2019 13:45

I hate the school run and I just look at ground the entire time or stand very far away from people. The whole thing makes me anxious. I'm not very good at social interaction. Theres one mum who always tries to chat with me and I think shes really lovely but I'm not always great at chatting to her.

Maybe the people you think are being rude are just shy private people or having a stressful day?

holasoydora · 18/01/2019 13:46

My DDs school is in a large village and I still feel like this at times. It has got better though because there are a few nice people I chat to but if they aren’t there I just run in and out. In the infant school often used to come back feeling really shit. I have made better friends at activities DD does. Joining the PTA (briefly) helped me make some of the people I do speak to.

Toomuchgoingon · 18/01/2019 13:47

We moved to a small village school with adopted children. We've been very open about it so that if people want to ask questions they can. As someone else earlier, my DH joined the PTA so is really immersed in the school - plus it made us feel better when either of our kids kick off or need extra support. It does get better. I rarely do the school run and I get a few smiles from the parents of their friends but no one has a clue who I am (well apart from when I'm talking to the kids of course)

WTFpeople · 18/01/2019 13:51

I moved to a village over a year ago. It's been a horrible experience (I had a long thread about it all), very rude people. I used to ask myself the same question as you OP. 'I'm not looking for a new best friend, but why not just smile and wave when you see me outside, why blank stare or yell abuse to me?
I've learned to ignore them as much as possible. Whatever their problem is, it's their problem not mine. Keep your chin up, keep being polite, but don't give these people any more of your headspace. Try to find people in neighbouring villages who are friendly and try to spend more time with them.
Congrats on your adoption and good luck!

flooredbored · 18/01/2019 13:57

I honestly haven't ever encountered this clique business in any baby group or at school. Although I'm pretty thick skinned so maybe just not very sensitive to it. I moved so didn't know anyone at the school my DD goes to (it's a v small school) I generally find if you start talking to people they generally talk back. I find if you just say 'hi' then they will just say 'hi' back. If you asked them a more specific question to strike up conversation, surely most people would answer? I'm definitely not part of any clique.

AnotherPidgey · 18/01/2019 14:00

With DS1, I worked through the nursery and reception years so didn't form connections as the friendship groups developed. I get on with some from his year, mainly 1:1 when they are not together. Being a Brownie leader to some older sisters was no advantage either.

DS2 again, went to private nursery so missed the nursery bonding time. They are a more open group, but I'm distracted by DS1 so tend to chat more in passing or at parties.

The better friendship is from a completely different year group as we go for a quick pokemon hunt after morning drop off

I used to find toddler groups excruciating as people tended to come in pre-established packs, such as bunches of NCT friends. I just didn't connect with a local enough group to get me through those years, and didn't have existing friends off work with similarly aged children.

lunicorn · 18/01/2019 14:04

In your situation, it would be best to encourage his friendships. Ask him who the boys are. Get the teacher to point out their parents. Arrange a playdate for the children.
Ignore the clique group. People like that don't change. If you have the time and they have one, join the PTA.

Papergirl1968 · 18/01/2019 14:15

I had this problem too when I adopted two dds, aged five and eight.
I think a lot of it does stem from not having gone to baby groups, and also because families with adopted children are seen as different. Perhaps people are wary because adopted dc can have challenging behaviour (mine were and still are very challenging) and are afraid of it rubbing off on their own children.
There were a couple of mums who were ok, but the majority were in cliques.
Ten years on, I don't think I'd care as much and that I'd be more confident to stand on my own, or just sweep in and collect at the last minute before the kids come out.
If they can't be friendly to a new face, it says more about them than you.
for you because being an adopter is bloody hard enough without being shunned on top.

Wellhellothere123 · 18/01/2019 14:17

Another one who doesn't enjoy the school run. DS is in Y1, since he started I've got to know one mum well-ish (as in our boys meet up in the school holidays) and occasionally speak to about 2 other mums (who aren't always there due to work commitments). I think this will change next year though as everyone I talk to will have a younger sibling starting in September so will be standing somewhere else! School is also a large village school.

There are definite cliques and I do worry that DS will suffer because I'm not in them (they were there right from the start of school too).

I work 3 days a week and MUCH prefer the days I'm at work as I literally drop and run and appear in the playground when they're coming out the classroom.

Odd thing is at work I'm known for being able to chat to anyone, but somehow in the playground I really really hate it and cannot think of anything to say!

Aquilla · 18/01/2019 14:18

Joint the PTA. I also agree with the poster saying get in with the grandparents.

RedWineIsFabulous · 18/01/2019 14:19

They have the problem. Not you.

Please , go about your daily business and try not to give them another thought. As upsetting as it is, they are unfortunately ten a penny.

I personally don’t engage with any of them. I steer clear.

You will find some decent ones eventually. Sometimes it takes a while though!

Papergirl1968 · 18/01/2019 14:19

Ps I've also read a few threads on here lately about mums being being left alone at baby groups, with everyone already in groups and no one talking to them.
It's a pity people can't be a bit kinder. A smile and a bit of chit chat cost nothing.
I'm naturally shy myself, and I get that some people find it difficult to speak to strangers, but there's no excuse for being unfriendly and unwelcoming.

babybythesea · 18/01/2019 14:21

The thing that happens at our tiny village school is that most of the mums are already good friends. Several of them are in-laws, or directly related. So for lots of them they rock up to school, and they aren't chatting to people they met as mums, they are chatting to their sister-in-law, or their best friend from school, or their neighbour. It took me a while to get into that because I didn't have the same things in common - I wasn't at the family dinner on Sunday when Auntie Mavis said that off-the-wall thing. They weren't deliberately being unfriendly, but like anyone needing to kill five minutes, they gravitated towards the people they knew to discuss the things they had in common.
They were all pleasant but I felt an outsider. So, I started to use DD's friends as a way in. I'd invite one friend over and say to the parent "Do you fancy a coffee while they play?" And I was quite open about saying "I don't know anyone yet - it's so tricky when you move." I'd also try and spot if anyone was waiting on their own in the playground and go over, say hi, and ask which one their child was. "I'm still desperately trying to put names to faces - it's so hard when you're new somewhere isn't it?" It was usually enough to ensure at least a friendly 'hi' the next day!
And now I'm one of the community who doesn't mind the school run because I get five minutes to catch up with friends. It took time, and I'm not best friends with everyone - there's quite a few where the only thing we have in common is children attending the school, but I have made some really good friends that I now see outside school.
So it might not be you, it might be that if it's a small community they all have a lot of common ground and not realise how isolating it is if you don't share it.

Notverygrownup · 18/01/2019 14:27

I really struggled at the school gate too. I found in the end that it was when I started volunteering for things in school that I became more accepted. We used to have a cake sale once a term, there were PTA events to help out at, or classroom activities/support. Hard if you are working full time but if not I found that it helped me to become less invisible. The other useful activity was to join a local book group. It meant meeting up once a month, so not too stressful socially, but also that we had something else - the book - to talk about rather than our kids.
HTH

sizzledrizz · 18/01/2019 16:04

I had this problem and then doubled my efforts. Turned out that all the cliquey mums were a bunch of arseholes. I found the quiet ones and now chat to them if I'm waiting around. Don't waste your time, and awesome self on the bitches.

NoShelfElf · 18/01/2019 16:19

Hold on until you have softplay parties every week. You'll soon find the ones you like to sit and have a cuppa with and even start to consider them as friends as time goes by.

Original poster

Lifeisnotsimple · 18/01/2019 17:56

No one at the school knows he is adopted and for the very reason i want him to start school on a level peg with his peers not the adopted kid. I know kids at that age are not discriminate but their parents are and hes had enough shit to deal with. Its his history and if he chooses to tell his peers when hes older thats his choice. I have tended to gravitate towards the grandparents and speaking to one today whose gs is friends with my boy, shes very pleasant.

OP posts:

Seline · 18/01/2019 18:00

I don't get mum friends. What do you even have in common other than a child the same age? I find school gate mums weird as well. I just ignore it OP.

Thisonewilldo · 18/01/2019 18:16

At our school all the parents are related (so it seems) or know each other from school so it's hard to get to know anyone. Plus because of work I'm only there a few pick ups per week.

Its not worth bothering about really.

BlueJava · 18/01/2019 18:23

I used to do a quick wave and a smile and keep out of it - some mums seem to spend a lot of time talking whereas I didn't want to be drawn into that. As long as your little girl is happy don't worry about it.

Papergirl1968 · 18/01/2019 18:35

That's good. There wasn't any point in me trying to hide that mine were adopted, but it did lead to some nosey questions.
Glad you've connected with someone.
I have all this to come again in a few years, as dd is pregnant.
Can't say I'm looking forward to the school run again!

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