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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What the hell is the problem with mums at the school gate.

110 replies

Lifeisnotsimple · 18/01/2019 12:54

We adopted a 3 yr old and live in a little village, obviously i never got to meet other mums via baby groups and i am not from the area originally. When ever i rock up at the school to collect ds people cant even be civil and say hello, im constantly looked at as if ive 5 heads wtf! I always go out of my way to smile and speak but some are so ignorant. I absolutley hate the school run, feels like being back at school, not with grown women picking up their children from school.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 18/01/2019 13:21

I dont want to say youre imagining it and I certainly dont think its anything that youve done but I must admit I find it hard to imagine a whole school of children w awful, unfriendly parents. Keep an eye out there must surely be some nice ones in there somewhere?

Pk37 · 18/01/2019 13:21

Another who just dashes in and out so I don’t have to make small talk with women that I have nothing in common with other than being a parent.
They’re all so catty too and often over the gossiping about other mums / families.
It’s awful

sayitisntsojo · 18/01/2019 13:21

Also adopting could be seen as a bit of a taboo. Maybe they want to talk to you but are a bit worried they may say the wrong thing?

Shimy · 18/01/2019 13:22

guildTheLilly - based on your theory, and the information OP has given; that she is new, she smiles and says hello, the simpler explanation here would be that the other mum's are just clicky. You defeat your own theory by speculating and making more assumptions about OP's character when you have no information that actually points to that.

hidinginthenightgarden · 18/01/2019 13:24

We get nothing but personal questions about our DD. Just ignore. People have strange reactions to things they have no clue about.

bookmum08 · 18/01/2019 13:24

Join the PTA. Wish I had done it when my girl was in Nursery and not waited until she was Yr3. It has made a big difference to my self confidence and life.

williteverend99 · 18/01/2019 13:25

feels like being back at school, not with grown women picking up their children from school.

That’s exactly what it is. Those nasty little school cliques just continue into adult life. Just like stupid young people grow into stupid old people.

Try and identify a couple of parents who are on their own. Start with a smile or a comment about the weather. Don’t rush things. Friendships take time to develop.

Limensoda · 18/01/2019 13:25

What's more likely, that there's some kind of awful collusion or that the OP isn't very liikable?

What IS likely, is that there is a 'clique' and a mentality of ' You aren't one of us'
How can someone who smiles and tries to chat be viewed as unlikable? They don't her ffs!

Limensoda · 18/01/2019 13:26

Know her

TabbyMumz · 18/01/2019 13:27

More than likely you aren't alone. Don't presume they all know each other and all went to same baby group's. I didn't know anyone either because I didn't go to any baby group's as went to work and used a child minder, so when I did do pickups I was pretty much a stranger.

Hedgyhoggy · 18/01/2019 13:27

Have you or others in your child’s class had a bday party? I found these good for getting to know the other parents. Or perhaps you could arrange for one of your child’s friends to come over for a play. My kids have gone to 2 very rural schools. The first, the parents all knew each other, had all gone to school together and though eventually they would say hello I just never felt to be an accepted member. The other school just had a few very confident friendly mums who just organised get togethers and it made a huge difference. I’m definitely guilty of saying others aren’t friendly or cliquey or anti social when just as much weight should be put on the amount of effort I put into being friendly. I found being a mum at times especially early on really isolating and struggled with my changing role. Good luck with them

LordNibbler · 18/01/2019 13:28

@guildTheLilly You definitely aren't very nice.

Spudsandspanners · 18/01/2019 13:29

I doubt it's you. People are just shy.

There will always be bitchy types that should walk in to the school along with their children in the morning with the attitude they have, but it won't be all of them.

Do you work? Perfect excuse to not bother with the school gate chat. Just drop off and go.

zucchinieggplant · 18/01/2019 13:30

OP I have a v similar situation. Sent DS to a school in a small village where we know no one. First term was horrific; was quite excited to have an invite to a whole class birthday party, only to spend two hours trying to look approachable.
I'm trying to grow a tougher skin, but it's really hard. DS is quite quiet and I'd really like to encourage the one or two little friendships he seems to be making, but I haven't a clue who the parents are!

QuizzlyBear · 18/01/2019 13:30

I found the same - I hated the school gate cliques! I showed up bang on time for years to avoid hanging around, then dropped and collected from the gate, using a dog walk as my excuse

Cornettoninja · 18/01/2019 13:31

The OP isn’t even asking to be liked just for a bit of civility..

Although a couple of posters are proving the point that sometimes people are just tossers 🤷‍♀️

ShesABelter · 18/01/2019 13:32

@guildTheLilly how the hell would anyone even know that if no one's ever spoke to her. Stop talking shite just cause you are on the internet and no one knows who you are, it's pathetic.

BlueChampagne · 18/01/2019 13:33

Have always dropped and run, having work to go to. If you have time to volunteer (PTA, governor?) you'll get to know some different parents.

Melroses · 18/01/2019 13:33

I found it like that with DC1. With DC2 the parents were different and much more sociable.

My theory was that the parents of DC1 class were more likely to have older children and only a few of them would say hello outside their established group. As time went on, it was clear there was an established clique who had been together since the first child who had had second children together.

With DC2, there were more eldest/only children.

The staggered start over two classes did not help first time round. Second time, there was a single class, and the younger ones went part time.

Also, the parents in DC2 class were just nicer

LordNibbler · 18/01/2019 13:34

@ShesABelter Well said.

Original poster

Lifeisnotsimple · 18/01/2019 13:36

Ha ha thanks folks, maybe i have a resting bitch face who knows. Never had trouble in other social situations but these women are something else. Im not asking them to be my new bff or infiltrate their life but just to be civil we are all there just to pick up our kids. Sad really.

OP posts:

Inktank · 18/01/2019 13:36

Are there any that look friendlier than the others? Do you say hello to them and try to make conversation?

There's a difference between being blanked and ignored by someone who's being vindictive (yes, I've met them too and don't know why anyone would choose to be like that!) and people who you just don't know yet.

I was interested that you've moved from another area. In some places it's seen as a bit insincere to smile very deliberately, but when you do see a smile you know it's the real thing.

Are there any school related things you could do, where people could come to realise you don't have two heads? Helping on a school trip or event, reading to the children weekly, being on a committee?

bookmum08 · 18/01/2019 13:36

Another idea - ask your child who they played with yesterday. If they answer is "Jane"then at the gate quietly ask "which one is Jane?" and then go up to the child "Good Morning Jane. I'm Xs Mummy. X is so excited to see you today. Which one is your Mummy" and then say to the mum something like "Hi I'm Xs mum. Seems X and Jane had lots of fun yesterday"
Hopefully that might lead some where. Good luck.

RomanyRoots · 18/01/2019 13:37

I used to stand and chat, with anyone who was there as I was a sahm and had nothing to rush back for.
I don't think rudeness is synonymous with mums that chat at the school gates.
Anyone half decent would welcome you, I know I would have done. It was exactly the same for me when my dc first started school in a village, we weren't from that area either.

Just keep sayinh hello and smiling. I found that once ds was making friends and having play dates they became a bit warmer.

mamageebo · 18/01/2019 13:38

This could have been written by me a few years ago. I adopted a little boy aged 3 1/2 years so did not attend any baby groups and he only did a few months at the local playschool before starting school. It was a small village - you weren't local unless you had at least 5 generations in the graveyard!! The school mums were exactly the same, all stood around in "cliques|" I have loads of other friends in my life, got great friends from work etc but I could never seem to make friends of the school mums in the early days - I even introduced myself to them and went out of my way to say hello and ask after their kids, some replied and exchanged a few words with me and some just looked at me like I had two heads, so I didn't speak to them again - their problem not mine (I cringe now wondering why I bothered) I used to go home and burst into tears some mornings. In the end, I made sure I got there on the last minute at drop off and pick up time, so I was not hanging around too long and I used to just lean on the fence and watch my ds playing - also, as another person said, I found the grandparents to be much friendlier and often talked to them. I got involved with helping run the Summer Fair etc and gradually got to know people, I was really nervous beforehand but the day itself went great and I got talking to people and as my ds got older it became easier as he brought friends home and I got to know their mums on a one-to-one basis - I realised they were ok really, there was nothing wrong with them and nothing wrong with me. They just turned up morning and afternoon, probably stressed and tired and with loads of other things on their mind, and stood with the people they had known for years. Another thing I did was look out for anyone else on their own and stood near them and struck up a conversation, which worked well - not everyone wants to chat though its just "pot luck". Try to remember it does not last forever and please don't take it personally.

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