apparently I nag

[NelC86]

My other half is amazing, very laid back and a very hands on father to our 4 month old daughter, he’s always been ‘i’ll Do it later’ but it’s got to the point where I’m really getting frustrated, I will ask numerous times to help as our daughter is very needy, it’s little things like take out the rubbish or put the washing in the basket(I’ll wash it and ask for help putting away), put your dirty clothes in the basket, generally tidy up after himself along with help with the basic running of the house diy, stuff I can’t do but been asking for since June btw he’s a tradesman and I only want minimal things doing . We end up arguing as he says I’m nagging but I end up asking 5-6 times before he will do something. I will add he wasn’t like this before the baby, any advice?

I'm loving your black bin idea lol

OP, what does your h do? What part does he play in the running of the house? What chores does he regularly do? How much childcare does he do?

I agree that 'nag' is a horrible word and most often used about women to put them in their place.

Some people on this thread should be ashamed. Like almutasakieun and onlyaman.

@almutasakieun, there's a huge difference between being controlling/abusive – as it sounds like your DH was, and my ex-bastard boyfriend was; I would for example load the dishwasher and he would call me back to supervise my rearranging it to his satisfaction, come to the shops with me to critique how I packed groceries, and insist I cooked dinner while tiptoeing, with the worktop lights off, so as not to disturb him – and expecting your partner to share an equitable division of labour.

Yes, there has to be compromise, because some people like a tidy house with chores done straight away, and some people would rather leave it to the weekend. But the OP has been asking her tradesman husband since last June for basic DIY tasks presumably well within his wheelhouse, to not increase the workload by leaving dirty clothes on the floor, and look after his own baby. That's not nagging or controlling.

@sackrifice I get this so much too because my partner cooks and washes up! He gets praised as "good" and "a gem" and "where'd you find him?" Yet I also cook and wash up, but no one gasps in awe. (Even though my guacamole is better than his.)

This thread has made me grateful to come home from a work trip to find the hallway painted, bed sheets fresh on, and all our junk pile taken to the tip, though.

Christ and we wonder why women get PND.

The thing is the OP's Dh gets to leave all that chaos behind and go to work. She is living in it. I totally get it, I am a SAHM and lots of little things get left for me to do except when each person leaves a little thing it starts to become a big thing for me and mounts up.

OP you used the word "help" but it is not your job to do all the housework. You are on maternity leave to look after your baby, not become the housekeeper.

As he has changed since the baby was born clearly his attitude toward you had changed too. He probably thinks you sit around eating bon bons all day. Your body is recovering from having a baby. He needs to sort himself out.

My Dh was raised by a working father who did nothing around the house and a SAHM. He did an equal share of the housework when we worked, was a full hands on Dad when we had children, got up with the children so I could have lie ins etc because he is not a wanker.

You're never going to find someone who has the exact same level of tidyness as you.
There'll always be a tidier one, who wants stuff done immediately, or it will annoy them and they'll end up doing it before they can relax.

The trick is to identify that and then both do something to deal with it.

I'd say a solution is:

• Agree generally how the jobs divide up
• Agree how quickly/slowly these should happen. The not-so-tidy person will be happy to put them off for longer. The tidy one will want them all done immediately. As long as the not-so-tidy one sticks to the rough timeframe agreed, the tidy person is just gonna have to cope with that.

I saw something on a site once...
It is brilliant...
Wait till baby does a poo, stinky one.
Hand him baby, say change the nappy while I put the bins out...
Walk off do the bins leave him to do stinky job...
When he says no to doing baby, tell him well I did the bin so it is only fair you do the other Job....
Very soon he will offer to do the bin as he doesn't want to do the other job.
Seems it works because there are two jobs and both need doing, instead of nagging you are giving him a choice...

If you have to 'nag' him to do something then clearly he isn't doing it. If you didn't ask him again would he do it... if he is anything like my hubby then I am guessing it's a No... if he doesn't want to be asked repeatedly to do something then the simple solution is for him to JUST DO IT!! lol

I think this happens because a lot of mothers do everything for their sons and baby them so when they leave home or get married they expect the woman to do everything.
I'd just tell him what needs to be done and that he needs to do it straight away so theres no confusion. If he doesn't start behaving like an adult then you split up. I cant see the benefit of being with him and having to mother him.

Generally, men accuse their wives of nagging when they mean 'I'm not going to do this domestic task, because domestic work is women's work. Shut up and do it yourself.'

"I recommend the book 'how not to hate your husband after having kids"

Wow, there's a book with this title? that's horrible. I'll look if there is a ' How not to hate your wife after having kids' as well.

Anyway, Lazy is lazy...'laid back' is just another word for it.

' Very caring on MOST occasions'

Yay, what a champ!

Seriously, he needs to give his head a wobble and step his game up.

Even as recently as thirty years ago men were not 'expected' to contribute to the housework to any great degree. We women took out our own rubbish, cleaned up and sorted/washed/dried the washing etc. Men came home and expected a meal cooked for them.. not on the table as they walked in but at a reasonable time. They were made an object of fun if they were seen pushing a pram or doing 'women's work'

Oh purleese....
I've been with my H for 47 years and he has always done as much of the domestic stuff as I have.
Including ironing, vacuuming, dusting, cooking, cleaning toilets, washing dishes, changing nappies (cloth nappies). And everything I've forgotten to mention too.

"We women took out our own rubbish"

So the man's rubbish went into a different bag?

Growing up in the 80s and 90s, my DF cooked on weekends and did the weekly shop. I think you've been in a very old fashioned setup, even for its time.

I think we have a full house.
If you want it done, do it yourself.✓
Men don't see mess.✓
You are not his boss.✓
It's women's fault because they don't make their sons do it.✓
Lovely. It's attitudes like these that contribute towards men being lazy arses in their own homes, not cleaning up after themselves or taking equal responsibility for their homes and children.
If he doesn't see the mess/dirty washing put it on the table where he expects his dinner to be.

*@sackrifice I get this so much too because my partner cooks and washes up! He gets praised as "good" and "a gem" and "where'd you find him?" Yet I also cook and wash up, but no one gasps in awe. *

I get this too. As much as I love him, and appreciate what he does, he doesn't deserve extra praise for cooking and cleaning because 1) he also eats food and 2) he also causes things to need to be cleaned.

Certainly not an “all men” thing. Never once in 12 years of marriage have I had to ask dh to do a household task as they are just done between us my parents were the same and both my sisters and their dhs. It’s not hard

Write it down on a postit note and when you ask him to do something, give him the postit note and say thats so he doesn't "forget" and so he doesn't turn you into a nag. You could also write a list in a prominant place like kitchen for the little DIY jobs you need doing and have asked him to do.
My husband also used to tell me i nagged - i responded by telling him if he didn't want me to nag, he should stop making me.

I have also done the black bin bag thing - except i didn't through it away, i put everything in it and left it by his side of the bed for 2 days, then moved it out of site on the 3rd day - the panic that set in was hilarious. Next time i put bin bag on the top of it, day 2 filled it, day 3 hid it. He learnt - eventually.

I also stopped washing my husbands clothes if he didn't put the clean clothes away!!!

What disquieted1 said.
If you find you're really doing it all, then of course, you need to talk. You need to tell your OH that the division of household labour is unfair.

I do the bins and recycling all the time. No skin off my teeth. DH does other stuff. We pitch in and meet in the middle. If I am feeling overwhelmed, I just let him know. It doesn't have to turn into a negative conversation or become the elephant in the room. Keep the dialogue open so that resentment doesn't build up.

Having a baby really highlights the inequalities in the division of household stuff. Not to give your OH too much of a break here- but I think your OH needs to get real with regards to how the workload changes once you go from being a couple to becoming a family. Kids up the ante on us. And your OH just needs to get on board with this. Talk to him.

"No, you're right, I shouldn't be nagging you, you in fact should be nagging reminding yourself to do something you previously agreed to do. If you're having trouble remembering why not make a note of it for yourself?"

Any further "memory" problems could be followed by a suggestion to investigate his forgetfulness with a specialist.

There's so much to do in a household. If someone isn't very good, oblivious, differing priorities, hates doing something, then put them to task doing something else. If they're doing nothing at all, that's another story.

I get all these men who can never remember to empty a bin can always remember when Match of the Day is on/what time they are tee-ing off on the golf course/what time their 100 mile cycle starts at and what car park everyone is meeting at *

*insert pleasant activity of choice

As long as there is more than 1 adult in 1 household then every adult needs to pitch in or it soon enough becomes a pigsty.

Special mention for 'Mental Load Stress'..having to be the one who tidies up + has to remember to remind the other person who isn't pulling their weight, to do what must be done.

When you know a person has 'You Do It' in their head then approach any talk from that angle only, OP.

Your man knows what to do, he's not the baby in the household no need for a list of what's to be done, he's got eyes - he's just decided it's your job. & 'Yeah later' enough times means you'll do it.