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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

apparently I nag

122 replies

NelC86 · 17/01/2019 22:22

My other half is amazing, very laid back and a very hands on father to our 4 month old daughter, he’s always been ‘i’ll Do it later’ but it’s got to the point where I’m really getting frustrated, I will ask numerous times to help as our daughter is very needy, it’s little things like take out the rubbish or put the washing in the basket(I’ll wash it and ask for help putting away), put your dirty clothes in the basket, generally tidy up after himself along with help with the basic running of the house diy, stuff I can’t do but been asking for since June btw he’s a tradesman and I only want minimal things doing . We end up arguing as he says I’m nagging but I end up asking 5-6 times before he will do something. I will add he wasn’t like this before the baby, any advice?

OP posts:

Poppins2016 · 18/01/2019 08:45

My husband cleans the kitchen, does the laundry etc all of his own accord, somehow he manages to see it needs doing despite having special man eyes....

Ditto. I can vouch that 'men who clean of their own accord' do exist!

I'm currently on maternity leave but DH still pulls his weight, as he can see that I'm busy with DS all day. If he doesn't, it's because I tell him not to so that he can spend time with DS in the evening rather than doing housework (I'll then do it instead, which is often a refreshing experience after being attached to 'velcro baby' DS all day!).

almutasakieun · 18/01/2019 08:46

My aunt was abused by her husband. When he came home, nothing would be right, nothing would be clean enough, or tidy enough. Dinner wasn't cooked, blah blah. She was a trembling shell when she finally left him.
You can't appoint yourself boss. It's his home too.
I wouldn't put up with him telling me what to do.

As for my boss telling me what to do? I think we'll all agree that nobody likes micro-management. I have my duties set out and I expect to be trusted enough to get on with the job in hand.

LannieDuck · 18/01/2019 08:47

He's saying that these jobs aren't worth his time; they're for you to do. Because your time is worth less than his.

OP, I would agree set jobs with him. Make sure they're things that will impact him if they don't get done, e.g. cooking dinner, doing the laundry. Have a back-up plan for yourself in case they don't get done (e.g. have a ready meal in the freezer that he doesn't know about, do a load of your laundry and not his). Then leave him to it. If he fails, he deals with the fall out.

Until he's faced with the consequences of his laziness, he has no reason to change. At the moment he keeps not bothering, and you keep making it alright.

grumiosmum · 18/01/2019 08:48

'Nag' is a nasty and sexist word meant to shut women up and stop them asking for what they need

^ This. I'm going to remember this next time my DH uses it when I ask him nicely to do something for the 4th time.

almutasakieun · 18/01/2019 08:50

I'm no angel either. I actually brought my now ex close to tears asking him to sand and paint the skirting boards. I could see him about to cry. I didn't like being that person. So I had a chat with myself and the skirting boards are still shit and I've dumped him (other reasons - not the skirting boards).
But I think it took me to see that what was irritating me day in day out, was making him have tears in his eyes. I never want to be that bitch again.
Skirting boards are still the same, I'm alive, nobody died.

SlowOx · 18/01/2019 08:50

I'm with your DH on this one. You are a nag. A controlling wife. Poor cunt probably doesn't know whether he's coming or going. Or what he's coming home to.

Did you see the bit where OP has a four month old baby to look after all day, and her husband doesn't do any of his OWN basic maintaince, like a giant baby himself (ie wash his clothes, cooking)? Some people on here are a disgrace.

Does he ever take the baby for a few hours after work or at the weekend OP so you can have a break?

almutasakieun · 18/01/2019 08:53

Well don't wash his clothes then! He'll soon figure it out.

NoParticularPattern · 18/01/2019 08:53

I can’t believe the number of people who only seem to be on here to tell the OP that she IS a nag and that she should just do it herself. OP isn’t asking for him to jump to attention and remodel their house on a whim, she’s asking him to tidy up after himself and give her a bit of a hand. She’s hardly asking that he drops everything right this second, she just wants her life to be made a little bit easier and not the be made to feel like she’s unreasonable for wanting that. Because she isn’t unreasonable. Not at all. Their baby (yes, that’s right, THEIR baby that THEY made TOGETHER) is 4 months old and a bit clingy like most 4 month old babies are. It would not kill him to empty the bin or do the washing without having to be asked over and over again. If he had a bit more about him and a little more thought for how he’s making OP feel by ignoring her, he’d do it BEFORE being asked. It’s not like he doesn’t know these things need doing, he just doesn’t think it’s his job to do them. Or more specifically he thinks it’s OPs job to do them and can’t see why he should help. We all know that she’s capable, she knows she’s capable too would you believe it, but she just wants him to give enough of a shit about her to make her life easier without her having to bloody well ask!

JaceLancs · 18/01/2019 08:56

I don’t live with my DP
He manages perfectly well to do his own cooking shopping cleaning washing etc and work full time as do I in my own home
Anything else is just lazy

SoyDora · 18/01/2019 08:56

I have my duties set out and I expect to be trusted enough to get on with the job in hand

But he isn’t getting on with the job in hand!

ravenmum · 18/01/2019 08:58

Repeatedly telling someone to do something until it is done is the definition of nagging.
Interesting theory - I looked it up in the dictionary, and the definition is:
"Harass (someone) constantly to do something that they are averse to."
So if this is nagging, poor old OP's husband must be "averse" to doing his fair share of the housework and picking his clothes up off the floor. And OP's reminding him to do it is aggressive harassment. Our hearts go out to him.

Agree with a previous poster that a man who does this without being asked - a man who greets you when you come in with "Are you hungry? I've made some dinner" - is about the sexiest thing you can imagine. Especially after you've spent years with someone like this bloke.

almutasakieun · 18/01/2019 08:58

Let me fix your post there

OP isn’t asking for her to jump to attention and remodel their house on a whim, he’s asking her to tidy up after herself and give him a bit of a hand. He’s hardly asking that she drops everything right this second, he just wants his life to be made a little bit easier and not the be made to feel like he’s unreasonable for wanting that. Because he isn’t unreasonable. Not at all. Their baby (yes, that’s right, THEIR baby that THEY made TOGETHER) is 4 months old and a bit clingy like most 4 month old babies are. It would not kill her to empty the bin or do the washing without having to be asked over and over again. If she had a bit more about her and a little more thought for how she’s making OP feel by ignoring him, she’d do it BEFORE being asked. It’s not like she doesn’t know these things need doing, she just doesn’t think it’s her job to do them. Or more specifically she thinks it’s OPs job to do them and can’t see why she should help. We all know that he’s capable, he knows she’s capable too would you believe it, but he just wants her to give enough of a shit about him to make his life easier without him having to bloody well ask!

almutasakieun · 18/01/2019 09:00

SoyDora. I was talking about work.

sackrifice · 18/01/2019 09:02

I do as much as I can

Stop doing this.

Agree with a previous poster that a man who does this without being asked - a man who greets you when you come in with "Are you hungry? I've made some dinner"

I was talking about how last week, our online delivery substituted my gluten free choices with gluten containing choices, and said [at work, with other women] that this meant my partner couldn't cook dinner that night for me as we didn't have the GF option for him.
A gasp went around the room that my [perfectly capable grown up male] partner would cook for me if I was later back from work than him.
'He cooks?' asked one.
'Yes of course' I replied.
She raised her eyebrows.

DoneLikeAKipper · 18/01/2019 09:04

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MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 18/01/2019 09:06

OP I sympathise with you. I have one almost the same! When I ask him to do something, the answer is always 'later' or 'I'm doing this at the moment' - nothing is ever done NOW. I have waited 5 years for a waste disposal to be installed in my kitchen sink and about the same for some decorative tiles to be put up in my bathroom! Before anyone says why don't I do these jobs, why should I? I do all the cooking, cleaning, tidying, looking after dog - surely it's fair that he should do something helpful?

almutasakieun · 18/01/2019 09:07

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echt · 18/01/2019 09:08

So, what if you, as a woman come home and your husband greets you with I asked you to put your clothes in the laundry basket?
Why haven't you put the bins out?You had one simple thing to do - iron those curtains. You haven't done it. Why do I have to do everything around here?This place is a tip!Why haven't you cooked dinner? Did you even fucking buy dinner?DON'T leave your shoes there. I'm just after tidying it.Did you pay that bill I asked you to pay?

The OP has not suggested this is what she does.

almutasakieun · 18/01/2019 09:09

MilkTray - The tiles for the bathroom sound like my skirting boards. No amount of persuasion. I've survived with them just the way they were unbelievably although they still bug the crap out of me

DoneLikeAKipper · 18/01/2019 09:09

almutasakieun

I assume you’re referring to me as ‘mad thing’. I suggest you reevaluate the language you choose to use.

almutasakieun · 18/01/2019 09:10

No, but her husband has.

labazsisgoingmad · 18/01/2019 09:10

my dp is the same its always tomorrow to do things sometimes he will swear blind i have not asked him to do things i gave up nagging pointless so now i either do things myself or say to him something needs doing and i need it done today please or before you go out can you do so and so usually works

almutasakieun · 18/01/2019 09:12

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almutasakieun · 18/01/2019 09:13

And my ex (him of the skirting boards) was actually pretty good around the house probably did more than me
But if he started telling me what to do, he wouldn't be just an ex. He'd be dead.

CatnissEverdene · 18/01/2019 09:15

My DH runs his own business and to be fair, spends all day organising/doing stuff so the last thing he wants to do is come home and repeat the cycle. So as a compromise, we have a list that's kept out in the kitchen and he gets a certain window of time to do it - if he doesn't then I get someone in to do it and pay on his card.

It works extremely well as he's inherently tight with money and hates to pay for something he could have done himself.

As for dirty washing and general "man spread" ie crap on every surface - get a black bin liner, in it pops and into the outside bin. Seriously. And when he asks "where is X Y and Z" you say "oh I don't know Darling, I asked you to sort them". You are enabling him to turn a blind eye and be lazy - and you have to stop.

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