Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

apparently I nag

122 replies

NelC86 · 17/01/2019 22:22

My other half is amazing, very laid back and a very hands on father to our 4 month old daughter, he’s always been ‘i’ll Do it later’ but it’s got to the point where I’m really getting frustrated, I will ask numerous times to help as our daughter is very needy, it’s little things like take out the rubbish or put the washing in the basket(I’ll wash it and ask for help putting away), put your dirty clothes in the basket, generally tidy up after himself along with help with the basic running of the house diy, stuff I can’t do but been asking for since June btw he’s a tradesman and I only want minimal things doing . We end up arguing as he says I’m nagging but I end up asking 5-6 times before he will do something. I will add he wasn’t like this before the baby, any advice?

OP posts:
TanteRose · 18/01/2019 06:38

cantfindname

with the greatest respect, bollocks to this part I believe that many of today's generation of husbands were raised in these times and look back at how little was expected of their fathers and don't comprehend that things have changed and that helping out has become the new normal

we are talking partners who are in their 20s and 30s maybe? and they haven't noticed that society has changed a wee bit over the past few decades?? No, they are just lazy - and I do NOT mean that all men are like that. Most of the men that I know are fully involved with their families and know that it takes a team to ensure the household runs smoothly.
Certainly, maybe there needs to be a lowering of standards in general - my housekeeping standards are on the fucking floor, they are so low Grin but I still expect my partner and for that matter, any competent adult in the house (including grown up DC in my case) to contribute.

CupoBlood · 18/01/2019 06:41

Is it because now you don't work?

Silkie2 · 18/01/2019 07:52

Then poor diddums can spend his lonely hours missing his children online, moaning about how women nag, change after children and probably don’t treat him like the god sent gift he believes himself to be. My friends ex-husband for example. You on the other hand will only one person to run around after, your child

That would mean he has no caring roles for his DCs. He should be doing half of it.

winecigsandchoc · 18/01/2019 07:56

Get a white board or stick a sheet of paper up somewhere visible.

Write his name and your name at the top.

Underneath write all his responsibilities and yours.

Put a tally next to the times you ask him and he asks you to do something.

When the tasks are done tick them off or put a line through them.

It will quickly get the message across. And will give you visual feedback about the inequality in your marriage.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 18/01/2019 08:04

Pulling your weight in life isn't 'helping'. I couldn't be with someone like this. He's not laid back or amazing. He's slovenly and believes lifework is women's work. I'd stop skivvying for him entirely.

TigerQuoll · 18/01/2019 08:06

I don't think this is anything a bit of communication can't solve. You just need to know which jobs are yours and which are his. In my house, I cook and clean the kitchen and bathroom and toilet, he does the laundry and takes out the rubbish and does the vacuuming and tidies. If it is understood by both of you that you are responsible for some things and he for others - neither of you can be expecting the other to eventually do it. And you can both take your time about the jobs. If you see what I mean.

SkinnyPete · 18/01/2019 08:12

Plenty of sex. That house will be spotless and organised around the clock. True story.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 18/01/2019 08:12

MrsTerryPratchett
👏👏 I do think your house sounds like fun.

kaytee87 · 18/01/2019 08:16

mrsTP I think your house sounds great too.

He sounds like an overgrown teenager op. I can't believe people are defending a grown adult leaving their dirty clothes lying around and not picking up after themselves.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 18/01/2019 08:18

plenty of sex. The house will be spotless in no time
It’s chicken and egg though. No woman finds the incapable, incompetent man-child act sexy. I do find my feminist does-50%-of-everything-around-here husband extremely sexy but incentivising a man to put his dirty clothes in the laundry with sex is just wrong.
If you want to be attractive to your partner, treat them with respect.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 18/01/2019 08:18

Oh, yeah, he just needs more sex Hmm. FFS.

swingofthings · 18/01/2019 08:18

He should be treating her like a fucking goddess and do her every bidding without question wink
Indeed, not by much and that seems to be the attitude that flows on most threads about relationships.

No consideration that the partner might also be coping with change, pressure to provide, the weight of expectation to be the strong and supportive partner, that men also deal with hormonal changes, that work is also exhausting.

Why is it becoming the norm to assume that mothers always have it worse and therefore fathers should bend backwards to do everything to raw them and if they don't, should be binned.
In this case, OP is exasperated. Fine, clearly so is her OH. So time to sit down, speak and listen, remember why you love each other and reach compromises.

OutPinked · 18/01/2019 08:22

I ‘nag’ because no one does what I have asked the first time. It’s as simple as that. I got so tired of nagging, I now just don’t do things for others and leave the mess. I don’t care if it’s petty but I don’t put everyone else’s dirty dishes in the dishwasher for them anymore for example, they can do it. I grit my teeth through mess to make a point because I can’t be bothered pestering.

almutasakieun · 18/01/2019 08:22

Honestly?
If my husband was constantly telling me to do this, that and the other, I'd be mithered!

Fuck no.

Actually, mithered and murderous.
NOBODY tells me what to do. I'd go mental.

treaclesoda · 18/01/2019 08:23

No consideration that the partner might also be coping with change

Why would coping with change render a man unable to work a washing machine or empty a bin?

Having gone through the physical trauma of pregnancy and birth doesn't seem to have that effect on women. Even the ones who are unfortunate enough to have complications or PND.

Limensoda · 18/01/2019 08:27

There are people who are laid back and more relaxed about when things are done and others who get stressed if things aren't done straight away or when they think they should be done.
I've noticed that those who get stressed get the sympathy and its often considered things should be done their way.
There needs to be compromise on both sides.
I'm one of those who wants everything done now and everything tidy but I don't expect my partner to do as I want. So long as he isn't messy or creating a problem for me I accept he doesn't see things need doing as much as I do.

almutasakieun · 18/01/2019 08:29

So, what if you, as a woman come home and your husband greets you with
I asked you to put your clothes in the laundry basket?
Why haven't you put the bins out?
You had one simple thing to do - iron those curtains. You haven't done it. Why do I have to do everything around here?
This place is a tip!
Why haven't you cooked dinner? Did you even fucking buy dinner?
DON'T leave your shoes there. I'm just after tidying it.
Did you pay that bill I asked you to pay?

How the fuck would you feel? Because I sure as hell wouldn't tolerate one day of it! He'd be under the patio.

Poppins2016 · 18/01/2019 08:31

I remember reading a post a while ago that really resonated with me. The poster suggested that every time her son made the choice not to do something (e.g. putting clothes in the laundry, crockery in the dishwasher, etc.) he should say to himself "fuck you, mum, you do it".
This strategy might be worth a try - I've found it very effective.

DH and I are pretty much 'housework equals', however there are things we do that annoy each other...
DH pushes stuff down in the bin rather than emptying it at a sensible/manageable point. I'm guilty of leaving teaspoons in the sink rather than putting them straight in the dishwasher.
I've found that it's harder to walk away from something like that when I have a voice inside my head going "remember, you're saying fuck you, DH, I don't care, you do it". So I have to turn around and put the teaspoon in the dishwasher, otherwise my conscience starts nagging away at me!

The other mantra that I like is 'see a job, do a job'. Don't walk past it, don't delay it, act straightaway. This only works when both parties are 50/50 engaged with the concept, though... Might be worth starting small and building up...

PlumpSyrianHamster · 18/01/2019 08:32

NOBODY tells me what to do. I'd go mental.

So you think if you've signed up to have a partnership and a family that you don't have to pull your weight with regards to lifework or you 'go mental'? You sound like my 10-year-old. Do you work? When your boss tells you what to do, do you 'go mental'? Or do you just reserve that type of bullying behaviour for your personal life because you assume you can get away with that?

SlowOx · 18/01/2019 08:35

I agree "nag" is a nasty misogynistic word. Your husband is a lazy sod, testing to see what level of laziness he can get away with. Did you both work before but you're on mat leave now?

My husband cleans the kitchen, does the laundry etc all of his own accord, somehow he manages to see it needs doing despite having special man eyes....

CherryPavlova · 18/01/2019 08:35

You are nagging and you simply have different priorities and timescales. Negotiations and communications are the answer.
If you want something done to your timescale then do it yourself. Otherwise agree who does what and leave him to do it his way. Have an agreed division of labour.

almutasakieun · 18/01/2019 08:38

As for a previous suggestion of my husband writing out my tasks and ticking off every time he had asked me to do them?

Fuck no.

I'm with your DH on this one. You are a nag. A controlling wife. Poor cunt probably doesn't know whether he's coming or going. Or what he's coming home to.

SoyDora · 18/01/2019 08:40

I believe that many of today's generation of husbands were raised in these times and look back at how little was expected of their fathers and don't comprehend that things have changed and that helping out has become the new normal

Well yeah, maybe that’s the shitty excuse they give.
FIL does absolutely nothing around their house. They’re both retired and MIL still does it all while FIL plays golf. DH still manages to do his fair share (his defective male eye even manages to see what needs doing, would you believe?). Because he’s not a lazy arse.

burritofan · 18/01/2019 08:40

Poor cunt probably doesn't know whether he's coming or going. Or what he's coming home to.

He's coming home to the mess he's leaving everywhere and assuming his wife will just deal with. FFS.

TanteRose · 18/01/2019 08:42

how very depressing...