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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

apparently I nag

122 replies

NelC86 · 17/01/2019 22:22

My other half is amazing, very laid back and a very hands on father to our 4 month old daughter, he’s always been ‘i’ll Do it later’ but it’s got to the point where I’m really getting frustrated, I will ask numerous times to help as our daughter is very needy, it’s little things like take out the rubbish or put the washing in the basket(I’ll wash it and ask for help putting away), put your dirty clothes in the basket, generally tidy up after himself along with help with the basic running of the house diy, stuff I can’t do but been asking for since June btw he’s a tradesman and I only want minimal things doing . We end up arguing as he says I’m nagging but I end up asking 5-6 times before he will do something. I will add he wasn’t like this before the baby, any advice?

OP posts:
OnlyaMan · 18/01/2019 02:03

Your house sounds a lot of fun. What else is "banned" in it?
You.
I am so distressed to hear that. I will try and get over it.

Disquieted1 · 18/01/2019 02:10

@Tanterose
OP you need to sit down with your DP and spell out what needs to be done.

Yeah, because that works! He'll just say that he's getting nagged again and it will get nowhere.
Not all the answers come from a book.

pineapplebryanbrown · 18/01/2019 02:18

So many marriages fail over chores division. Has anyone tried literally only cooking for themselves, doing their own laundry, picking their own stuff up? Then you will have the flip side of the coin that he may not share his wages.

TanteRose · 18/01/2019 02:19

Disquieted1 Hi Smile

well, talking like two adults works in my house, so I thought it might be a good idea for OP to try that.

CalishataFolkart · 18/01/2019 02:22

From the OP : stuff I can’t do but been asking for since June

Reply : If you see something that needs doing and it’s important to you, then do it. If you need help then ask.

Not just the OP’s husband who doesn’t listen.

Monty27 · 18/01/2019 02:23

He sounds horrible. A nag is a horse
One who needs to be asked numerous times to do something simple on the other hand, for his family is a dickwad.

MrsTerryPratcett · 18/01/2019 02:24

Then you will have the flip side of the coin that he may not share his wages.

Well then he can do 12 hours of childcare out of 24 if it comes to that.

FaFoutis · 18/01/2019 02:26

I find going away and leaving my DH with the children helps him to work out what needs doing. Not much of a solution for you with a 4 month old though.
Your husband has a daughter, it's time for him to think about what he is doing when he uses the word 'nag'.

SeaToSki · 18/01/2019 02:31

My DH is a visual learner, he has to see something written to remember it. Its the same at work and at home. I write lists, jobs for me, jobs for him and jobs for whoever gets to it first. He does the same. It works for us. Find a system that works for you both

echt · 18/01/2019 04:53

Your house sounds a lot of fun

So sexist language is your idea of fun?

burritofan · 18/01/2019 05:05

I will ask numerous times to help as our daughter is very needy, it’s little things like take out the rubbish or put the washing in the basket(I’ll wash it and ask for help putting away)

It's not "help", though, it's 50% his responsibility. This sounds as though the household is your job and you're asking him for favours. He's lazy.

araiwa · 18/01/2019 05:06

I cant stand being ordered what to do and when to do it in my own home. Its rare anything needs doing right now and ill do it when i want. Washing up doesnt need to be done as soon as the meal is done, it can be done later

echt · 18/01/2019 05:12

ariawa, the OP hasn't ordered her OH to do anything.

treaclesoda · 18/01/2019 05:15

If you see something that needs doing and it's important to you, then do it

Why ask him to take out the rubbish when you're perfectly capable of doing it yourself?

Well... surprisingly often I see women say that men can't actually see that bins need emptying, or dishes need washed, or clothes need laundered (which is all bollocks anyway, they can see it just fine).

But following this logic the assumption for many people would then be that women should do everything. Which is hardly fair.

Fucket · 18/01/2019 05:30

My husband learned the hard way at the end of his first marriage that expecting your wife to be your mother does not end well.

Then a spell of extended paternity leave really opened his eyes.

Laundry is my responsibility but if he don’t put it in the basket it gets left. No nagging. There are times we are both tired and things get left, but if I see dh sat down ‘relaxing’ while things need doing I have been known to turn the WiFi off. Likewise he will call me out on it too.

We tend to approach our marriage as a team, apart from when I was bf there was nothing dh couldn’t do that I could.

Too many men think maternity leave is some kind of holiday.

Anyway I wouldn’t nag, id be having a conversation about responsibilities and be considering what you would do if he doesn’t change, I.e. leave. Then poor diddums can spend his lonely hours missing his children online, moaning about how women nag, change after children and probably don’t treat him like the god sent gift he believes himself to be. My friends ex-husband for example. You on the other hand will only one person to run around after, your child.

swingofthings · 18/01/2019 05:40

Another thread when the woman can do no wrong and her oh is a waste of space. Being nagged about is unbereable. In my household, it's the other way around, its my OH who nags all the time. The reality is that we have different standards and priorities. He will nag if I go to the toilet and don't close the door of the living room fully be suse I'm letting heat escape! He wants things done immediately and will moan if I tell him I'll do it later. He also loves to focus on what I don't do but take for granted the things that I do do.

He is very controlling and my response to controlling people is to do the opposite of what they order. Thankfully we have talked a lot and learn to compromise. He wasn't wrong in how he felt but neither was I. He's lowered his expectdtions and accepted that many things he asked for didn't really matter. I myself make more of an effort to recognise that some things will make him very anxious if not done.

As said, sit down and come up with a compromise. A young baby is hard for everyone. Both of you will be tired and it's not a competition. Some things need doing, some things can wait.

Itsnotme123 · 18/01/2019 05:48

Tell him you’re going out to get some milk. Then never come back.

TanteRose · 18/01/2019 05:49

Another thread when the woman can do no wrong and her oh is a waste of space

come on, this thread is not about that at all...
The OP is four months post-partum, most probably sleep-deprived beyond words, I'm guessing first-time mum, a bit overwhelmed by it all, and her partner cannot even make an effort to do some little things for her that would make all the difference to her day and to her state of mind.

He should be treating her like a fucking goddess and do her every bidding without question Wink

MrsTerryPratcett · 18/01/2019 05:52

Actually a better way of looking at it is not what he's not doing but what he is doing.

Leaving his dirty clothes lying around, leaving mess he's made, for his partner, who has a four month old baby to look after.

burritofan · 18/01/2019 05:53

Another thread when the woman can do no wrong and her oh is a waste of space

He's leaving his dirty clothes all over the floor and has to be asked to do basic household chores multiple times. She already has a 4 month old, she doesn't need a teenager too.

Kokeshi123 · 18/01/2019 06:07

So many wives (and probably men/husbands/whatever) want their partners to do what they are told to do, right now, without exception. Delay is not acceptable. Disagreement is inconceivable.
I think "Nag" is not an unreasonable comment.

The problem is that in some cases we have tried stepping back and leaving our partners to do things in their own time and at their own pace, only to discover that they just do NOT get round to doing and we end up doing it instead.

My husband was like this about changing cat litter when I was pregnant. I would ask nicely, he would say "Sure, I'll do it in a bit," I would wait and wait and he would forget about it, and it would not get done and would stink, then he would be out of the house and I would end up doing it so that I did not have to have guests coming into a smelly house. You are not supposed to change cat litter when you are pregnant.

Can you see why a woman who has experienced this multiple times eventually resorts to "No, can you do it NOW, please??"

MistressDeeCee · 18/01/2019 06:15

Well then stop washing his clothes and picking up after him. Bundle up his stuff he leaves lying around, stick it in a basket.

See how 'amazing' and 'laid back' he is then. You already have more than enough to do, after all.

I should think he will then 'nag' you. & then you can have a conversation on grown adults who cause mess and stress due to laziness and thinking because they work outside the home their partner should be their maid on top of everything else.

Travelledtheworld · 18/01/2019 06:23

After years of training my husband can now recite this mantra.
"Do it now, do it properly, and do it without being asked".

When I walk to the house he leaps to his feet and starts hoovering/dusting/washing up etc.Grin

cantfindname · 18/01/2019 06:25

Please don't jump down my throat.. this is an observation and not a criticism .

Even as recently as thirty years ago men were not 'expected' to contribute to the housework to any great degree. We women took out our own rubbish, cleaned up and sorted/washed/dried the washing etc. Men came home and expected a meal cooked for them.. not on the table as they walked in but at a reasonable time. They were made an object of fun if they were seen pushing a pram or doing 'women's work'

My ex was like this, and I had 4 children plus 3 dogs, 100 hens (selling eggs) 4 pigs, ducks and a couple of calves plus a goat to milk twice a day. This was the norm.. I knew many many others who lived a similar life and considered myself lucky that XOH was a tidy person generally and put his washing in the basket etc. He also looked after our huge garden and grew all our veg and fruit.

I believe that many of today's generation of husbands were raised in these times and look back at how little was expected of their fathers and don't comprehend that things have changed and that helping out has become the new normal.

It's also very easy for them to use the word 'nagging' to hide their own failures. It is his feeling of guilt that makes him accuse you.. not your requests!

The answer? Not sure. Maybe a sit down and calm chat about division of labour. Give him set jobs such as taking out the bins, picking up once a day, washing up or whatever. If they are his responsibility and he agrees to that then there should be no need to 'nag'

MissingGeorgeMichael · 18/01/2019 06:32

I cant stand being ordered what to do and when to do it in my own home. Its rare anything needs doing right now and ill do it when i want. Washing up doesnt need to be done as soon as the meal is done, it can be done later

But do the chores actually get completed? In my experience those saying 'I'll do it later' all the time really means 'I don't want to do this so I'll leave it and leave it until she does it out of exasperation'.