Huge row with DH, I'm a selfish cow and he's packed his bags

[TheSelfishCow]

I'll try and keep it short but I'm so upset.

DH and I both work a lot of hours, both partly from home and also on the road and on outbound appointments. We have two little girls (1 and 3).
On the rare occasions we are both at home together, one will be working from home on the phone / laptop.
We both work 6 days a week and it's very rare that our day off is on the same day, and we both have families who love coming over at the weekend to see the girls so even on those days off we end up spending them with other people too.

We have been talking about / planning a trip away for 8 days in the summer for our anniversary. Not over seas, just a staycation but with no work and just us and the girls. Proper us time as a little family.

DH told me tonight that he's booked our dream trip as a surprise to me - I was ecstatic! So happy, so excited and so looking forward to it. I could have burst with happiness.

He then tells me that he's also invited his parents along with us and they're booked and staying with us. He booked it with them a few days ago.
My face must have dropped, I didn't say anything but my face must have said what I was thinking. He started getting really defensive and talking about how much they do for us and love the kids and they'll be able to help with them whilst we are alway.

I said I was most upset that he hadn't even thought to run it past me or ask how I'd feel about them coming and that our one chance to spend some quality time as a little family unit this year is now not going to happen.

He said I'm selfish, spoilt, ungrateful and a cow.
He's packed a bag and gone to his parents.

I'm prepared to be told I've been terribly unreasonable, but I was so desperately longing for some time as a family, no phones, no work, no one else - just us.

Have I been awful? Should I have just faked a smile and accepted it? This will be the second trip in 4 years we've taken. We won't be able to go another time just us for probably 2-3 years now.

It's more likely the OP told him to go to his parents if he loves them that much and he did just that.
We only have the OP's side.
I personally think the DH did it in good faith, as he figured they could babysit while the two of them could hang out.
The OP wanted to hang out as a family.
It's likely the DH is sick of screaming kids and wanted to spend time with his wife, she told him to fuck off, so off he fucked.

I can’t believe he’d invite other people on holiday without discussing with you first. That’s appalling, selfish, and arrogant behaviour. Your time off is just as precious as his and he does not have the right to hijack your original plans. The fact that he’s flounced off back to mummy and daddy because you didn’t like his plan, leaving you alone with the kids, speaks volumes about his selfishness and sense of entitlement. You will have to sit down and have this out with him.

Jeez, YANBU at all! I'd have gone completely fruitloop at that!
It was meant to be YOUR time together, just your little family and he's just imposed his fucking parents on that without so much as a by your leave?
Fuck That.

Let him go back to his parents like the mammy's boy he is - he can have his dream holiday with them instead.
Wanker.

Oh and since you'll be up in a couple of hours, take the kids to his parents' so that you can go to work! He can't stop you from going to work because of his petty little tanty, that's SO not on.

Packing up and leaving you with the kids late at night when you have work tomorrow is the selfish action. I’d be furious about that.

Yanbu
Decisions are made together as partners. You both have discussed a dream holiday together but the major fail is that he has invited others. But even worse he has left you with 2 young children.

He hasn't even thought about how upset you'd be and that you may not even sleep tonight or how you will cope at work tomorrow

He also needs to be the one to discuss with your parents that they will need to be separate to you both on holiday

Its a shame that the trip is now blackened by his behaviour

One thing we do always is pass it by the other before we commit. It’s not fair otherwise.

So what's the plan OP if he doesn't show up in the morning?

He’s gone about it the wrong way, but do you think he saw this as creating an opportunity to enable the two of you to spend some time together knowing that the children were being looked after?

He is wrong for inviting them without consulting you and running off to his parents sulking is inexcusable.

I do have a slightly different view on taking the in-laws in holiday though... I wouldn’t want to go away with children that age without a set of grandparents. You can still arrange specific trips for yourselves and them to give you some time alone as a family unit but they can help with childcare which means you will have more time to spend with DH too rather than feeling more like you are sharing childcare. If you are self catering, then it is also a massive help with making meals and tidying etc.

I hope he's back with an apology this morning.

He knew you wanted to spend some family time, but he just didn't listen. Then he threw his toys out of the pram.

Definitely don't apologise and dont fix this for him. He needs to sort it out himself.

If MIL has anything about her, she’ll send DH straight back home after giving him a bollocking.

My Grandparents has a row once and my Grandad went to his parents. Took him about an hour to admit why he was there and then my Great Gran said to him “Get out of my house, go back home and talk to your WIFE. Not your mother.” She practically chased him out of the house with her broom (for context, she was 4”11 and my Grandad 6”4).

My Grandparents have been the same with their adult children, and my Dads the same with us. The exceptions being when my Mum cheated on my Dad, and when my now exH was abusing me. Serious, life changing matters only, not petty rows.

He's a twat op.

Not to say that this is petty, OP, from your perspective it’s serious and I’d be pissed off too, but it’s no reason to go crawling back home

Let the pil babysit your older “child” while you have fun with the actual children.

You cross a line when you flounce off like this.

Does he have form for controlling behaviour? Clearly your opinion doesn’t matter to him when he’s arranging the holiday, and you expressing your opinion is a ‘reason’ for him to leave. This isn’t about your PIL, it’s about him doing what he wants and not giving a toss about how you feel

So when he doesn't like you challenging him, he packs his bags and walks out, leaving you with indefinite sole charge of his two young children. And youre selfish??? YADNBU.

How are you this morning?

Wow! What a big baby! Running off to mummy and daddy's house. It is pathetic, I would lose a lot of respect for my husband if he ever did that. I always sort holidays in my house but I would never book one without consulting my husband (especially if they are limited at the time) no way would I invite other people without asking.

Is he married to you or his parents? YANBU.

What a dick-I hope he’s come home so you can go to work. I hope he has apologised profusely as well.

He's flounced because he's realised he's fucked up. I think best thing now is for MIL and FIL to go off on their own for most of the days. I bet your DH told them you were fine with it. Sounds like your MIL wouldn't have agreed had she known you weren't on board. Urgh

Your DH is SO in the wrong.

He's flounced because he's realised he's fucked up. I think best thing now is for MIL and FIL to go off on their own for most of the days. I bet your DH told them you were fine with it. Sounds like your MIL wouldn't have agreed had she known you weren't on board. Urgh

Your DH is SO in the wrong.

Oops

YANBU

Wider issue if that your family life sounds bloody awful.

I’m a single working mum of two primary ages children and I have no family support whatsoever. And yet my life sounds about 15% as full on and stressful as yours.