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Original poster

Huge row with DH, I'm a selfish cow and he's packed his bags

377 replies

TheSelfishCow · 17/01/2019 21:58

I'll try and keep it short but I'm so upset.

DH and I both work a lot of hours, both partly from home and also on the road and on outbound appointments. We have two little girls (1 and 3).
On the rare occasions we are both at home together, one will be working from home on the phone / laptop.
We both work 6 days a week and it's very rare that our day off is on the same day, and we both have families who love coming over at the weekend to see the girls so even on those days off we end up spending them with other people too.

We have been talking about / planning a trip away for 8 days in the summer for our anniversary. Not over seas, just a staycation but with no work and just us and the girls. Proper us time as a little family.

DH told me tonight that he's booked our dream trip as a surprise to me - I was ecstatic! So happy, so excited and so looking forward to it. I could have burst with happiness.

He then tells me that he's also invited his parents along with us and they're booked and staying with us. He booked it with them a few days ago.
My face must have dropped, I didn't say anything but my face must have said what I was thinking. He started getting really defensive and talking about how much they do for us and love the kids and they'll be able to help with them whilst we are alway.

I said I was most upset that he hadn't even thought to run it past me or ask how I'd feel about them coming and that our one chance to spend some quality time as a little family unit this year is now not going to happen.

He said I'm selfish, spoilt, ungrateful and a cow.
He's packed a bag and gone to his parents.

I'm prepared to be told I've been terribly unreasonable, but I was so desperately longing for some time as a family, no phones, no work, no one else - just us.

Have I been awful? Should I have just faked a smile and accepted it? This will be the second trip in 4 years we've taken. We won't be able to go another time just us for probably 2-3 years now.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 18/01/2019 07:26

I think this is because you see the holiday differently.

The hours you are going is tough and you both see the main drawback differently - you see family time being sacrificed. He sees couple time (because if I have read correctly you both see the children lots) and has planned his mum and dad to come so you can have time together

You both are tired and stressed so emotions came out and you are stuck where you are now

You need to talk and communicate and work out if this routine is worth it

PlumpSyrianHamster · 18/01/2019 07:28

What a dick! His reaction says it all, he thinks he's the boss and if you don't pull in tandem you are a 'selfish cow' and he strops off. Arsehole. Don't apologise, or compromise because it's just a green light to him that you and your feelings don't come first but behind what he wants and his parents. His parents should have sent him back, too. He abandoned his kids in a strop. Nope. I'd book another holiday leaving the day before with the kids and take off. He can go with Mummy and Daddy.

JonSlow · 18/01/2019 07:30

Classic move - storm out to deflect from his own fuckup

EmeraldShamrock · 18/01/2019 07:30

I hope he returns with good news? Yanbu at all OP.
I would be devastated working so hard to have a shared holiday with PIL. I like mine too but it would a nightmare not a relaxing break.
Hopefully as a pp said his mam chasing his out the door? His parents must know it is OTT too.

newmun · 18/01/2019 07:35

Is he home yet OP?

TheBigBangRocks · 18/01/2019 07:36

He booked a surprise holiday inc babysitters so he could spend some time with this wife who he barely sees. Hardly divorce grounds.

GoneGirl · 18/01/2019 07:36

YANBU, he should have discussed with you earlier.

But having two small children and no escape (when you're used to being out working and getting "a break") can be daunting.

I went on holiday with my DB, SIL and their two small kids (whom I adore) but it was unrelenting. If DP and I didn't keep their kids for a while, DB and SIL wouldn't have had any real rest or time to relax.

ZenNudist · 18/01/2019 07:36

Has he come back and calmed down? He is 100% in the erong. Do you have the money to book a second trip and do both?

Weenurse · 18/01/2019 07:39

What is the new plan?

peachsquish · 18/01/2019 07:41

YANBU he overreacted. Hope he's come to his senses and apologised.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 18/01/2019 07:42

He’s a tit and should be fixing the situation not flouncing. Hope you can sort this out together, OP. He has behaved very childishly.

Original poster
TheSelfishCow · 18/01/2019 07:45

I will read all of the night replies when I get a min - I over slept big time so was running super later and like a crazy lady this morning.
He got there 10mins before I had to leave which is fine but I didn't have time to stop and chat I literally just flew out the door with half my make up on Blush

OP posts:
Charlie97 · 18/01/2019 07:47

YADNBU and to be honest his parents are also BU. If one of my sons that had responsibilities at home came to mine with an overnight bag because he flounced, he'd be told nicely .... NO!

You can't just leave the family in the lurch because of a disagreement.

The PP who said he's realised he has fucked up is right.

The PP who said he's probably sick of screaming kids and just wants time alone with you, so invited PIL, needs to give their head a wobble. That's family lijfe.

Charlie97 · 18/01/2019 07:50

X post he didn't leave you in the lurch, but he should've communicated what he was doing.

If he's told PIL they've likely said, sort it out and we're not coming (in a nice way).

Honestly, if he says yeah I messed up, that's why I got defensive and we're going alone, I'd cut him some slack.

Jamiefraserskilt · 18/01/2019 07:52

Sounds very much like he thinks a family holiday means you and him spending time together and in laws looking after the kids. I think he needs to be told that family means you and the kids....

poobumwee · 18/01/2019 07:52

I too am fortunate to have lovely pil but would not go on holiday with them. They would not want to with us as either as they have very full lives with their friends. Your dh sounds stressed. Yes he was out of order and you are right to be annoyed, but it feels like he was trying to do the right thing, fucked up, in his heart knew he had and left. I'd be more concerned about the over reaction than the holiday if out of character. Stress really is awful and makes people react very strangely . The way he spoke to you was really horrible.....but if it's a one off then why did he react like that? Hope you get a resolution today op and the holiday you deserve with your lovely family x

ivykaty44 · 18/01/2019 07:53

I’d be worried where I fit into my own marriage, it’s not a case of being selfish or wanting time alone with my family but the fact arrangements for me and my children have been done all by my dh and in-laws

Alicatz66 · 18/01/2019 07:54

Packed his bags and ran back home to Mama !! ... think he needs to cut the apron strings ! I'd have no problem going on a short break with my MIL ... but only a few days and certainly not if it was my only holiday ... it's very unreasonable!

MumW · 18/01/2019 07:55

YADNBU and to be honest his parents are also BU. If one of my sons that had responsibilities at home came to mine with an overnight bag because he flounced, he'd be told nicely .... NO!
Whilst I agree with this entirely, we've no idea what DH has told PIL. He might have told them OP threw him out.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 18/01/2019 07:56

I love the assumption that the pils will be there to babysit. I have known so many times where gps have gone away with family and have not helped at all and expect to be waited on all the time!

PeaQiwiComHequo · 18/01/2019 07:56

you aren't unreasonable to feel how you do, but DH isn't totally to blame here. you have both chosen to set up your lives such that you hardly see each other so it's not surprising that he didn't know that your priority was time together as a nuclear family unit rather than time together as a couple - and if it was time together as a couple that you were most missing, his idea would indeed have been brilliant.

I wonder if you could manage to either extend your family's holiday dates or reduce the dates for the PIL to be there so that the holiday is half and half for those two priorities?

Caterinaballerina · 18/01/2019 08:02

Thing is, by going off in a huff to PIL it’s him alone that has ruined this future trip. If he’d stayed and discussed with you why you were obviously disappointed but then maybe you’d agreed on some positives and that it definitely would not happen again you could have enjoyed the trip and PIL would have been none the wiser. As you’ve said they are considerate of boundaries you know he’s assured them it’s ok to come.

OnBail · 18/01/2019 08:03

My dp had a milestone birthday and we booked a holiday, with my agreement he invited his parents. They actually accepted, they never bother with us normally and are only interested in SIL.

It was ok, they are the type who get on the sun beds first thing in the morning and don’t get off till the sun goes in, every day. I could only stand it for 3 days then got bored. DP wanted to sun bathe everyday while I was left to look after 4 year old DD. We were in a lively busy resort so I just went off into the town with DD.

We had to go to the restaurants they wanted to go to every night and they never babysat once, to be fair we didn’t ask as we didn’t want to impose but the never offered. We were in bed for 9pm 😄

Would never do it again, and I wouldn’t ever go on holiday with my parents

almutasakieun · 18/01/2019 08:04

Glad he's back.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 18/01/2019 08:05

Massive over reaction by your H. It reminded me of a time when I was about 7 or 8 and I had what I thought was a massive argument with my mother, so I packed a small bag, brought my bank book (as I knew I'd need money) and started walking to the nearest bus stop. I had no idea where I was going, where I was going to stay etc. but it's the reaction of a child not an adult who can reason and discuss things.

I've been reading this thread and after you mentioned OP that the holiday venue is 2hrs away from where your inlaws live (2hr drive away), I'd be wondering why they would need to be involved in the holiday at all. You don't mention if these grandparents are in their 60's or 80's. If they're in their 60's and if your DH wants his parents there to look after the kids, why couldn't they drive up, stay one night and let you and your DH have a meal and a night out. Then they go home the following day or could spend the following day with the kids and you both have a day out at the nearest attraction. They go home from there. You get your time with your family and he has had his parents on this trip.

He definitely should have discussed inviting anyone else (doesn't even have to have been his parents or family members) on a holiday. I mean who does that and not expect some sort of kick back from the other people going on the holiday???

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