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Original poster

Huge row with DH, I'm a selfish cow and he's packed his bags

377 replies

TheSelfishCow · 17/01/2019 21:58

I'll try and keep it short but I'm so upset.

DH and I both work a lot of hours, both partly from home and also on the road and on outbound appointments. We have two little girls (1 and 3).
On the rare occasions we are both at home together, one will be working from home on the phone / laptop.
We both work 6 days a week and it's very rare that our day off is on the same day, and we both have families who love coming over at the weekend to see the girls so even on those days off we end up spending them with other people too.

We have been talking about / planning a trip away for 8 days in the summer for our anniversary. Not over seas, just a staycation but with no work and just us and the girls. Proper us time as a little family.

DH told me tonight that he's booked our dream trip as a surprise to me - I was ecstatic! So happy, so excited and so looking forward to it. I could have burst with happiness.

He then tells me that he's also invited his parents along with us and they're booked and staying with us. He booked it with them a few days ago.
My face must have dropped, I didn't say anything but my face must have said what I was thinking. He started getting really defensive and talking about how much they do for us and love the kids and they'll be able to help with them whilst we are alway.

I said I was most upset that he hadn't even thought to run it past me or ask how I'd feel about them coming and that our one chance to spend some quality time as a little family unit this year is now not going to happen.

He said I'm selfish, spoilt, ungrateful and a cow.
He's packed a bag and gone to his parents.

I'm prepared to be told I've been terribly unreasonable, but I was so desperately longing for some time as a family, no phones, no work, no one else - just us.

Have I been awful? Should I have just faked a smile and accepted it? This will be the second trip in 4 years we've taken. We won't be able to go another time just us for probably 2-3 years now.

OP posts:
honeyrider · 18/01/2019 00:00

YANBU, he's bang out of order to invite his parents without your prior consent and then the way he's treated you is not on.

Packing his bag and running home to his parents like a temper tantrum throwing toddler has now put them in an uncomfortable position because they'll now know you don't want them to go on the holiday so even if they do come things will be awkward and if they don't you'll be the villain in all this.

He thinks by running home to his parents you'll eventually try to appease him so he'll come home. I'd be telling him to stay there until he grows up.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 18/01/2019 00:04

Yanbu however this may be just sheer thoughtlessness on his part, and he thought he was being good.

I’d ignore his drama. Don’t take any of it to heart. He’s just having a tantrum.

What’s done is done.

Focus now. Do you still really want family time? When he’s calmed down, apologize for being mad. That should elicit him to apologize also. Don’t apologize for wanting family only. When you are both calm. Show your needs through your sadness, say how much you need and miss family time, how much you miss just time with him, after the kids have gone to bed, just cuddling up etc - picture it for him.

You want him to buy in to your dream of a weeks family time only. Sell it for him. Present it so he will buy in to it too. Sell him the positives.

And then, he will be motivated to make sure it happens, either as an extra holiday or by rearranging his parents.

DishingOutDone · 18/01/2019 00:05

What a selfish dick. So now you are left with two toddlers and you need to get to work in the morning. From your OP we're doing it to be able to build a stable home for our family - it doesn't sound very stable if one parent storms out; especially a father with responsibilities that he wants to avoid Hmm

altiara · 18/01/2019 00:05

YANBU!
2isabella2 OP sounds like she would’ve just got over the shock and sorted it out so it would’ve been ok-ish and she’d have made the best of it. BUT her DH called her names, packed his bags and left. How is OP unreasonable? Because she ‘looked’ unhappy? Pretty sure that was one of the milder reactions, most would be screaming it’s me or them - remember this is the only holiday for a few years.

Bubba1234 · 18/01/2019 00:07

Yanbu

JasperKarat · 18/01/2019 00:09

YANBU to want time alone with your husband and children, YABU for repeated use of the term 'my/our little family' Envy (not envy)

Schmoobarb · 18/01/2019 00:15

I don’t think you are being U, but I can get why he feels deflated, although he was wrong to call you names. You must get more than a week’s holiday though, can you get a cheap wee break away later in the year?

Reallyevilmuffin · 18/01/2019 00:34

I think you both need to take a step back here. Your posts reference a lot how this reaction is very unusual for him often.

The holiday is a week. This workload is killing you both. I know you say this is for the future, but I read it as the stress that you're under would have ticked to something like this in a few weeks whatever blew it up.

IdleBetty · 18/01/2019 00:36

I'd be raging about him storming off. You can't do that when you have children.
A huge overreaction. I would flip on him for doing that.
He would have to be begging forgiveness, nevermind calling you selfish!

JemSynergy · 18/01/2019 00:44

I am in the minority here, my only issue would be that he hadn't discussed it with me first. If I got on with my inlaws then I would have no issue with going away with them as I know my children would like that. However, I would not tolerate someone who stormed off every time we disagreed on something.

Expatworkingmum · 18/01/2019 00:55

If he’s packed his bags, it’s probably just a grand gesture to cover up the fact that he’s realised he’s done something a bit stupid (booked for his parents without thinking it through) and now he’s acting out of frustration with himself (even if he doesn’t know that yet!)

MovingThisYearDefinitely · 18/01/2019 01:09

YANBU. He needs to grow up. What a massive bellend. Hmm I hope you get to work in the morning OP. Flowers

Jux · 18/01/2019 01:10

He's been an idiot, hasn't he?

Are you OK financially? Maybe he hadn't enough and had to borrow from them and one thing led to another?

BejamNostalgia · 18/01/2019 01:31

I suspect when you speak to him, you’ll find out this was a straw that broke the camels back and he’s had a lot of pent up frustration about various things for a while.

The work situation sounds less than ideal.

SD1978 · 18/01/2019 01:40

Given how little time you seem to spend together due to work commitments, it seems like he may have done it for a few different reasons. One, he just didn't think, and thought that it would be great to have PIL along so you two could actually go out together- doesn't sound like you spend anytime in the same place at the same time currently without the kids due to work schedule- maybe he feels your relationship is suffering and what's the chance to see you? Or it's been so long since you were alone, he's worried how that will go and is bringing them for back up in case it's awkward. I understand why you're upset- I would be too. I'd be also upset at him packing a bag and leaving- is he otherwise happy in the relatiO ship?

SD1978 · 18/01/2019 01:49

Have you heard from him at all Op? Has he confirmed he'll be home for you to go to work at least?!

Namenic · 18/01/2019 01:57

To keep the peace, just apologise and say that you were surprised as you were thinking of a holiday of just you him and kids, BUT you would be alright with going with PIL. You appreciate all they do for you.

It’s great if you can keep a good relationship with yours and DHs parents. But important that DH knows you would like some time together as just you guys and kids.

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/01/2019 02:01

To keep the peace, just apologise and say that you were surprised as you were thinking of a holiday of just you him and kids, BUT you would be alright with going with PIL. You appreciate all they do for you.

Why should the OP be the one to keep the peace?!

What about "To keep the peace" he acts like an adult, comes home and discusses it? Leaving the family, not confirming he will fulfill his obligations to his children and acting like an arse is hardly contributing to keeping the peace is it?

Pillowaddict · 18/01/2019 02:05

Why should op keep the peace? She didn't storm out, or namecall! Your DH has beem incredibly thoughtless and is beyond unreasonable to walk out on you for a matter such as this. I wouldn't accept your place in this marriage as being one where you're punished for responding emotionally (which is often unintentional), and acquiesce to keep the peace by doing something you don't want to at the expense of something important to you. I'd be most hurt by his response to your upset. It says you're feelings are an inconvenience to his plans. Don't let him minimise you like this.

SandyY2K · 18/01/2019 02:11

YANBU
He should have consulted you first and stomping off is incredibly childish.

Coffeebean76 · 18/01/2019 02:15

Of ffs

If course you’re entitled to be pissed off that he has invited the in-laws on your holiday. That’s madness!!!

Bit silly of him to pack a bag and take off. Just tell him clearly and calmly that doesn’t work for you.

PastaOfMuppets · 18/01/2019 02:30

OP, what happens if he doesn't come home in the morning? Does he want you to beg him to come back, to allow you to work, like the DCs are your responsibility and you need a babysitter? If his idea of a holiday means someone other than himself looking after his DC, and if he flounces out like a free agent leaving you with the DCs, I'd say you have an added issue of the way he sees his parental duties as only intermittent and when he wants them.

Coyoacan · 18/01/2019 03:39

Your dh has seriously blown it, but it sounds like you are all under a lot of stress. I hope you can find a good solution soon.

Devilishpyjamas · 18/01/2019 03:49

He’s packed his bags and gone to his parents? Ridiculous over reaction. That would worry me more than anything.

And of course you shouldn’t apologise or keep the peace. You haven’t done anything wrong.

givemesteel · 18/01/2019 03:56

Another one saying yanbu, I wonder how he would have reacted if you'd booked a surprise holiday with your parents - I just can't imagine saying or doing that and thinking my dh would be pleased and he likes my parents a lot.

The flouncing off shows real emotional immaturity, hopefully he will calm down, Apologise and tactfully dort things out with his parents.

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