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Original poster

Huge row with DH, I'm a selfish cow and he's packed his bags

377 replies

TheSelfishCow · 17/01/2019 21:58

I'll try and keep it short but I'm so upset.

DH and I both work a lot of hours, both partly from home and also on the road and on outbound appointments. We have two little girls (1 and 3).
On the rare occasions we are both at home together, one will be working from home on the phone / laptop.
We both work 6 days a week and it's very rare that our day off is on the same day, and we both have families who love coming over at the weekend to see the girls so even on those days off we end up spending them with other people too.

We have been talking about / planning a trip away for 8 days in the summer for our anniversary. Not over seas, just a staycation but with no work and just us and the girls. Proper us time as a little family.

DH told me tonight that he's booked our dream trip as a surprise to me - I was ecstatic! So happy, so excited and so looking forward to it. I could have burst with happiness.

He then tells me that he's also invited his parents along with us and they're booked and staying with us. He booked it with them a few days ago.
My face must have dropped, I didn't say anything but my face must have said what I was thinking. He started getting really defensive and talking about how much they do for us and love the kids and they'll be able to help with them whilst we are alway.

I said I was most upset that he hadn't even thought to run it past me or ask how I'd feel about them coming and that our one chance to spend some quality time as a little family unit this year is now not going to happen.

He said I'm selfish, spoilt, ungrateful and a cow.
He's packed a bag and gone to his parents.

I'm prepared to be told I've been terribly unreasonable, but I was so desperately longing for some time as a family, no phones, no work, no one else - just us.

Have I been awful? Should I have just faked a smile and accepted it? This will be the second trip in 4 years we've taken. We won't be able to go another time just us for probably 2-3 years now.

OP posts:
YouCanCallMeJodieWho · 17/01/2019 23:20

To stomp off to his parents is very childish.

YANBU at all.

You deserve an apology for his response to you.

stickypiglets · 17/01/2019 23:22

I love my PIL and I'd be furious if my DH did that. I would not be going.

Parenting young dc and working long hours is exhausting and relentless. Thanks

Sounds like you work bloody hard and these times away with our little ones are so, so precious. My DH and I were only discussing the other day about the great memories we have as children with our parents and siblings from the family holidays. They are the memories that stand out.

He is totally in the wrong op.

SaturdayNext · 17/01/2019 23:22

if my son packed his bags and came home to me in those circumstances, I'd tell him to cop on to himself and get back to his wife

This. I'd be mortified if my son reacted in such a childish way as this, particularly when he has responsibilities for two small children.

If he was just trying to do a lovely thing as he claims, has he explained why his loveliness extended to his parents but not yours, OP?

Original poster
TheSelfishCow · 17/01/2019 23:24

I'm even more annoyed now, I can't sleep I just feel really sad.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 17/01/2019 23:25

@buckeejit Were you really annoyed at your dh ordering champagne on your honeymoon?! Wow. Its not like its something to celebrate is it?

Op, I can see both sides here. I know he definitely shld have consulted you but maybe he was thinking you all get on and his parents can babysit while you have a date night

Singlenotsingle · 17/01/2019 23:26

You'd think it would be the first thing to do, to discuss it with you first before booking anything. Once a year we go on holiday with my DS, ddil and the dgc. Any other holidays they go on their own, and we go on our own. Magic!

CantGetDecentNickname · 17/01/2019 23:26

Dear OP, very upset on your behalf. He has walked out on his kids as well as you - please remind him of that. How would he feel if you did that to him? They are his responsibility as much as yours. If he doesn't turn up on time tomorrow morning, I would be sorely tempted to view it in terms of his having left you and stayed elsewhere overnight, meaning that he has gone for good and would get the locks changed (calling his bluff) to show that you have taken his tantrum seriously. After all, he is an adult, not a child. Please don't back down and initiate a conversation in order to keep the piece, he owes you an apology and needs to see that. You can meet him half way or compromise after an apology. Main thing is not to have him repeat storming out as when the kids are a bit older, they will soon notice what is going on and think he has abandoned them. If it turns out to be a successful tactic this time, he may well use it again.

Good luck Flowers

madcatladyforever · 17/01/2019 23:28

He's leaving because of that? For fuck's sake what a baby.

If it was me I'd go over to the inlaws tell them I love them dearly but that I desperately need family time alone with my kids and husband just this once and see what they say. He probably feels guilty because he knew he did the wtong thing.

Feeling guilty normally causes a massive over reaction like this.

limpbizkit · 17/01/2019 23:29

I think he's done this because he wants the 'burden' off him of looking after the kids. Probably wants a chill out without doing 'kiddy' stuff. You haven't said what he's like generally as a father but a friend of mines husband is like this. Could be wrong but I bet that's why he's done it

delboysskinandblister · 17/01/2019 23:31

This is the holiday you need. I know it's not what you want but a break from each other might be best. He clearly favours time at his parents rather than with his children and of course you.

I am wondering if his mum and dad paid for the holiday and that's why they are coming along.

I hope you have a peaceful night's sleep.

Dongdingdong · 17/01/2019 23:31

You referred to your husband and kids as your “little family” in your OP twice. YADBU

delboysskinandblister · 17/01/2019 23:33

That's a term of endearment from OP 'and shows how important they are to her!

Yulebealrite · 17/01/2019 23:35

I think you need to tell mil that much as you love them you need some time alone. The compromise is they come for the weekend.

Pernickity1 · 17/01/2019 23:39

He doesn’t get to run off to his mummy and daddy over a minor argument... he’s got two tiny children! I bet you wouldn’t piss of in a strop without taking the children into consideration? Selfish and entitled male behavior. YANBU OP

StoppinBy · 17/01/2019 23:40

@dondingdong you should change your name to dingdong to reflect your intelligence level.

cstaff · 17/01/2019 23:41

I don't think there were any bad intentions here, in fact quite the opposite. Once he realised what a fuck up he had made that's when he went running home to mummy.

Give him time and hopefully an apology will follow but you definitely do not need to apologise to him.

Maybe83 · 17/01/2019 23:42

I think your life and relationship sounds pretty unstainable with such young children and must be very hard on you both.

If this was my husband I know he would be thinking this was a case of best of both worlds time with the kids and me alone.

Clearly he shouldn't have spoken to you like that but maybe he desperately wants some time alone with you as well as the kids as his wife and he was as disappointed you weren't happy.

Let everything cool down and talk about it properly tomorrow. Also think about how your both going to make it until September with any sort of relationship at all.

butterfly56 · 17/01/2019 23:43

He's probably invited his parents for babysitting duties on the pretence that he's giving them a holiday as a thank you.
When people are really stressed they can be really unstable sometimes in their reactions....His over reaction to your disappointment could be a result of stress but it does not excuse what amounts to selfish and childish behaviour in leaving you and being so damn stubborn about the whole situation.

BigChocFrenzy · 17/01/2019 23:44

He's gone off to mummy & daddy
expecting that the shock will make you desperate to appease him
especially if you need him for childcare tomorrow when you go to work

So he won't feel like the bad guy, because you're the one doing the apologising, in effect

If he doesn't turn up tomorrow and that means you have to cancel work and stay home, then i'd change the bloody locks.
I've no patience in tantrums from adults

OlennasWimple · 17/01/2019 23:45

Did he include his parents so that he didn't have to look after his children on holiday? Ie his idea of a holiday doesn't include the children

OlennasWimple · 17/01/2019 23:47

I would be sorely tempted to view it in terms of his having left you and stayed elsewhere overnight, meaning that he has gone for good and would get the locks changed (calling his bluff) to show that you have taken his tantrum seriously.

If he (part) owns the house, don't change the locks FFS. Hate when this advice is tossed out on MN when it is encouraging the OP to act illegally

2isabella2 · 17/01/2019 23:53

I'm in the minority that I feel you're being partly unreasonable. He probably feels he's done something lovely and is really upset and disappointed by your reaction and has totally overreacted as he now has no way of putting it right without upsetting someone.

I personally love holidays with my parents and my in laws with my small children. They are genuinely helpful allowing us to actually relax some of the time and go to a restaurant alone sometimes. We do go out as a small family too though mainly to give our parents a break from the whirlwind of pre schoolers.

Oliversmumsarmy · 17/01/2019 23:54

This strikes me, no matter how good his intentions that you have someone who still thinks of his parents as his family first.

I think the question he needs to answer is why when you described having a little family holiday his first thoughts were to think he should invite his parents.

I do think that you need to reassess your work life.

Working the hours you do with other people visiting on your day off is never going to have a good long term effect on anyones relationship.

Maybe some boundaries about who visits and when going forward.

Sillybilly1234 · 17/01/2019 23:59

This happened to me.

PILs said that they would look after the kids to give us some time to ourselves but actually never left us alone for one minute.

Absolute nightmare. I feel your pain. Men can be such idiots but I think his heart was in the right place just epically failed.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 17/01/2019 23:59

I’d be tempted to say “this isn’t the holiday I want but if it’s the one you want, I’m happy for you to go. We’ll have our own family holiday some other time.” He can hardly accuse you of being selfish then.

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