AIBU regarding PE teacher, DD and her period?

[Tink2007]

My DD is nearly 13. She’s been having periods for 8/9 months. She came on yesterday. She said it was quite heavy and she didn’t feel comfortable doing PE today as she was worried about leaks and it being so heavy just left her feeling uncomfortable.

She’s never missed a PE lesson, she has done PE whilst on her period but it has always coincided with the end so has always been lighter. I said it was fine and I would jot a note in her student diary (as required) especially seeing as it was the first time she has come to me and said “‘Mum, I don’t feel comfortable with this today.”

So imagine my surprise when she came home from school and told me how PE went today. Her actual PE teacher was fine with her not doing PE but said the final decision was with the head of PE.

Now given she didn’t have her PE kit, she had a note and expressed her discomfort with doing PE I wa surprised that the head of PE tried all manner of ways to make her do PE, telling her a period couldn’t be “that bad”, she wouldn’t accept it as a reason again. Then said if she had a spare PE kit she would have made her do it, asked the other PE teacher to make her do it in her school uniform (which the other teacher refused to do) and pulled her by the arm to a standing position to bat a shuttlecock back and forth towards the end of the lesson. She simply couldn’t accept she wasn’t doing it this lesson.

AIBU reasonable for being annoyed? In an age where we are supposed to be empowering young women to have their voices heard, be confident in what they feel comfortable and uncomfortable with and voicing that but yet this teacher seems happy to ignore it and physically pull my DD to her feet.

I should add I do know the teacher in question - she was my PE teacher 22 years ago and it does sound just like her to be honest.

OP YANBU.

Your post brought back a strong memory for me of being forced to do PE during my period when I was 15. I remember the sound of my blood spurting out as she made us lie on the floor and do exercises throwing our legs around. And i remember seeing the trickle of blood running down my leg. Vile woman shouted at me for clutching my stomach.

YANBU and it’s also a sure fire way of putting girls off of sport for life. It really does send the arrogant message (echoed on here apparently) that everyone who has periods is capable of taking part in sport.
Those tampax adverts that used to imply ‘I don’t let my period ruin anything’ and showed women swimming/doing sports etc I used to want to throw something at the tv when they were on. If I tried to swim while on my period people would think jaws joined me.
I used to hide behind a giant gym mat so I wouldn’t have to take part. Just changing whilst on my period for a PE lessons made me worried. I used to envy girl who had no issues with their periods. As I’ve gone through adult life I’ve realised it’s both men and women who will attack people like me simply for not fitting into society’s expectations of a dainty period.

To the question of what to do about skivers: make PE fun and motivating so that girls won’t want to skive. Let girls wear sports gear that covers their bodies if they want and don’t insist on shorts or skirts. In so many schools it is taught incredibly badly and puts girls off sport for life, periods or not.

You wouldn't say that about any other illness / condition

Well, yes, employers do say that about other illnesses/conditions.

Too much time off sick and you soon find yourself heading towards disciplinary meetings and being fired.

My trigger at work is more than 4 days or 3 periods of absence over past 6 months.

I do think that if girls are having periods so debilitating that they stop them from doing things that parents really should be fighting to get them appropriate help. Once you get to work you really are expected to manage and there is a danger that being allowed to duck out of certain things as a teen due to periods leads to expecting the same treatment as an adult.

Not on though that the teacher didn't respect the note from you OP. I think if they had an issue with it then they should have let your daughter sit out today and then spoken to you about it separately.

YANBU
I am horrified by some of the things I have read on here. She is a child, just starting out learning how to deal with these things. I cannot believe the number of "I have heavy periods, I just get on with it" comments. Good for you!!
I have a 13 yr old dd and would have done exactly the same as you OP. My dd also fully participates, had a trampolining lesson 4 days into her first period, bit wary, but went for it. If she ever asked me to write a note (she hasn't yet) I know it's for good reason.
As someone said up thread, I would be asking school how they intend to support girls through this major change in their life - seems a reasonable request.
For record, also peri-menopausal, prone to epic flooding moments, difference is I have 40 years experience of this, so am slightly better equipped to deal with it

I'll just add my experience of periods as a thirteen year-old. My periods were very heavy and I could feel the gushing on movement and feared that I would be leaking. As a teenager I never used tampons to double up on protection as a young girl it was too soon to try them. I still have pretty heavy periods and can work around them by using tampons and pads so i have time to spare to change. I can't believe how many women can't remember what it felt like as a young girl and the worry that came with having your period.

Yanbu OP.

Some of the replies on here are depressing as fuck.

YANBU, OP.

The thing that really pisses me off is this "you're on your period, you’re not ill" bollocks. This also applies to "you're pregnant, not ill". What difference does it make?? If you feel like your insides are on fire, or you're puking, or you are flooding blood from your vagina and cannot prevent leaking through your clothes, or your head is pounding so much you cannot see straight, or you are passing huge clots of blood and tissue and feel like your entire reproductive system is falling out of your vagina (all charming things that have happened to me at some point during either menstruation or pregnancy) then what fucking difference does it make whether or not it's caused by hormones or a virus? Your ability to function whilst suffering these symptoms is the same. It's just a really shitty way of minimising something that lots of women and girls deal with regularly instead of actually offering some support on a social level for half the population (or at least the proportion of that half who struggle with extreme and unmanageable symptoms). And support from society at large can sometimes be as simple as "yes, of course you can sit out this PE lesson".

This idea stems from the other bullshit about "we can’t demand equality if we’re going to ask for allowances to be made on the basis of periods”. Well yes, actually, we can. Women have periods and men don’t. Should we stop using sanitary protection because men don’t need it and we are being “equal” by not using it? Or, do we recognise that women and men have different physiological requirements and provide for them as necessary, in such a way that nobody is needlessly disadvantaged by virtue of being born a particular sex (female)? It’s been said a million times but I firmly believe it: if men had periods, there would be specific provision for this under sickness clauses in employment contracts as standard. Nobody would expect boys to take part in a PE lesson if they were at risk of leaking menstrual blood through their clothes. It would not happen. They would not be told routinely that other people know their bodies better than they do.

As for “some women suffer heavy flow and flooding and have to go to work”. Yes they do. That’s a real shitter but yes, sometimes we are in a position where we have to dig deep, cross our fingers and toes and do what has to be done to put food on the table. OP’s daughter, however, is a child who wants to sit out 45 mins of PE. There is no comparison to be drawn. Are we saying that because lots of adults have no choice but to suffer this discomfort and indignity at work, we should make schoolgirls do the same to prepare them for more of the same? To punish them? Give them a warped sense of solidarity with these other women? There is no logic there.

Once you get to work you really are expected to manage and there is a danger that being allowed to duck out of certain things as a teen due to periods leads to expecting the same treatment as an adult.

But the DD is unlikely to have a job that involves exercising in shorts with no access to toilet facilities, even assuming she doesn't end up using hormonal contraception that reduces periods as an adult. Given that she was well enough to go to school and to be in other lessons, that means she'd also have been well enough to do a number of jobs. Even if she were to end up in a more physical role, usually she would be able to choose clothing that better covers any leak. This is simply not a situation that bears any resemblance to the majority of workplaces.

Coastal life that's nonsense. If someone was experiencing those symptoms then they should stay at home. If they're well enough to go to school then they are well enough to participate in school activities. If they become unwell during the activities then fair enough but it's ridiculous to opt up because it might be embarrassing! Come on. Kids are growing up so flaky crying off at the smallest thing. I worked flipping hard when I was pregnant. I had to leave meetings to throw up and nearly fainted all the time. It's not pleasant no. But you do just have to get on with it sometimes. I really really don't agree with all this sit it out stuff. Get some THINX pants and teach her how to use super tampax. It's not beyond a 13 year old sorry. At nine maybe but not 13.

I believe the only jobs that require teenagers to wear skimpy shorts are in am establishment called Hooters. Most adult women choose more comfortable attire when exercising.

As a direct comparison no you are right - PE and employment as an adult aren't the same but I do see it really often in 18/19 year old school leavers at work - they do have the attitude of expecting special treatment every month or take frequent sick days/ go home sick. They might well be genuinely very ill with their periods or they might just have learnt that it's quite ok to use them as an excuse, I have no way of knowing which. Ultimately though they all end up going the same way - down the disciplinary route for taking too much sick time and then either sacked or resign before they are sacked.

I do think it's important to either teach resilience or to get them appropriate medical help so that their lives aren't marred by having periods

YABU - it’s a judgement call by teachers, periods aren’t something you should sit out pe for. Our school never allowed it, exercise is actually good for cramps. Make sure she has proper sanitary protection so there no fear of ‘leak’ but doesn’t she use tampons/ pads plus underwear plus can wear joggers or similar? Chances of leakage is small.

periods aren’t something you should sit out pe for

Periods can be utterly debilitating

Our school never allowed it, exercise is actually good for cramps

My school never infantilised us. We were able to make our own judgement calls.

Make sure she has proper sanitary protection so there no fear of ‘leak’ but doesn’t she use tampons/ pads plus underwear plus can wear joggers or similar? Chances of leakage is small

You haven’t had heavy periods have you?

In this particular instance, the DD would have been fine in quite a number of jobs. As evidenced by her being ok for the rest of the school day. Employees that evidently suffer from either chronic conditions or chronic malingering simply aren't relevant to the situation of a child who experiences heavy periods that would nonetheless allow her to work in a wide variety of jobs. Crowbarring them into the discussion doesn't make any kind of point.

None of which is to say a visit to the GP might not be a good idea, though it's not like they always have the most brilliant record with this sort of thing. It's just that saying some women have to put up with shit in the workplace so that means a child should do PE in conditions that don't look anything like most workplaces isn't a very sensible argument.

Is it only the young women Weetabix? When I worked with school leavers, it was more often the young lads who would throw sickies/end up going down the disciplinary route.

Make sure she has proper sanitary protection so there no fear of ‘leak’ but doesn’t she use tampons/ pads plus underwear plus can wear joggers or similar? Chances of leakage is small.

Proper sanitary protection doesn't mean chance of leakage is small for many women. Great for you if it does but certainly doesn't apply to many especially when exercising. Is that so hard to understand? Attitudes like this are so frustrating to deal with. OP has already said that the school doesn't allow joggers, only shorts.

Although my periods were not what I'd call 'heavy' as a teen, I did get clots and very very bad cramps. I went to the school nurse once crawling on my knees. No way could it would I have done PE. I'd have taken a week of detentions to be honest.

Yes, if it was a regular occurrence then I could see why teacher wouldn't be happy, but it isn't. I'd speak with her.

I remember telling my (male) PE/swimming teacher my period was on and he said it wasn't, it had only happened 3 weeks ago. I did ask him if he knew they are once a month and often last a week.

I'm generally of the view with periods that we'll enough to be in school is well enough to do PE.

That said, if it was a student who always does PE, wants to be involved, doesn't try to skive, doesn't have a mum writing notes suggesting she has a period every 8 days etc then I would just let her sit out.

they do have the attitude of expecting special treatment every month or take frequent sick days/ go home sick. They might well be genuinely very ill with their periods or they might just have learnt that it's quite ok to use them as an excuse, I have no way of knowing which. Ultimately though they all end up going the same way - down the disciplinary route for taking too much sick time and then either sacked or resign before they are sacked

Why do you care? It's not your job on the line. What adult women do or don't take sick days for is probably none of your business. But for certain, them losing jobs because of sick days is definitely not your business.
If your the employer then stop employing them if it's causing you stress or have a better recruitment system. If your an employee,keep your nose out

I do wonder what the point of me saying things on this thread was when some of the posters clearly haven’t bothered to read what I’ve said.

*She doesn’t wish to use tampons and chooses to use pads.

• The school doesn’t have joggers, nor does it permit them so not an option.

Rapidjohnson she’s not 13. She’s 12. I assume when you were pregnant and at work you were a grown woman and not a 12 year old girl who is still adjusting to having periods (having only had 9) and out of those 9 periods has had one day where her flow was heavy enough to make her feel uncomfortable to participate in an active PE lesson where she wouldn’t have access to sanitary wear or a toilet for an hour. She has PE twice a week. So out of the 34 lessons she has had since September, she has asked to miss one. Hardly flaking our or being a snowflake.

cucumbergin

Honestly couldn't tell you that - on the shifts that I work the only young people are women. The young men tend to work evenings and weekends, which I don't. To be fair, I would imagine that the sickies for hangovers or wanting to go out probably are evenly spread between the sexes.

It's just that saying some women have to put up with shit in the workplace

But absence triggers are common in most work places though aren't they so how do you manage if you need a day or two off every month?

Flooffloof

Ok will do. Whatever you say!

Make sure she has proper sanitary protection so there no fear of ‘leak’ but doesn’t she use tampons/ pads plus underwear plus can wear joggers or similar? Chances of leakage is small

Rtft she ain't allowed joggers, plus it's not all about leakage, it's feeling shit, it's cramps, it's sweats, it's anaemia, it's pain etc.

Who made you god.

I'm generally of the view with periods that we'll enough to be in school is well enough to do PE.

I really don't understand this. Can you not see that there is a huge difference between sitting still at a desk writing whilst bleeding heavily, wearing tights and a skirt/trousers and running around whilst bleeding heavily in a pair of shorts.

Who made you god.
Maybe the same person who appointed you as the thread police, dictating what people can and can't post?