To be pissed off that I was asked if I was my friend's Mum...

[tiredmama25]

So, for context. I'm 30 and my friend is nearly 28. She's just had a baby and is recovering from a c-section so I offered to go to her HV with her to get baby weighed.

We went into the room and sat down, HV started talking and then said "are you Grandma?" looking at me - after digesting what she'd said I replied "erm, no!" She then said Sister? Friend? I said just a friend. She apologised and went on to tell another "horrifying" story about how she'd asked someone if it was their Mum and it was their wife. Perhaps she hadn't learnt from last time.

Honestly, I can't shake it off it has really upset me. At the end she was like I'm sorry for asking if you were Grandma, I said "to be honest I am pretty offended, I'm only 30 so I can only hope you think my friend is a teenage mother as she's only 2 years younger than me". She said she did think she was younger.

I may be more sensitive than normal as I'm currently pregnant myself but she's just made me feel so shit. I'm paranoid I look in my 40's now or something which I really didn't think I did. Perhaps I should get booked in for some Botox.

AIBU to think she should be more careful with her assumptions? Surely starting with sister would be less risky even if I did look 35/40 whatever.

God I feel so shit about it. Can't even drink the wine.

I think I might have inadvertently upset a lady serving in the chemist today. An 'elderly lady' I would have described her as.
We were having a little chat about this and that with other customers while I waited for my prescription and for some reason the subject of state pension cropped up "Oh, I'm years off getting mine" she said.
I'm afraid I looked shocked, it took me by surprise. I had to quickly rearrange my face and pretend to sneeze.

Not an age thing, but someone asked me & my sister if we were a couple as we look so cute together. We pissed ourselves laughing as we look pretty similar - it’s abundantly clear we’re related. The poor woman who asked looked absolutely horrified when we told her!

Honestly, people just don't look. I was peeved to be asked if I was 'Grandma' to a friend's DS when I went with them to a hospital appointment. - friend was about 10 years younger than me, but not especially youthful-looking. But another time, a rarely-seen member of DH's family took DS to be my DH. Assumptions are made from the context rather than your face.

Yes people are often rubbish at telling ages.

I was visiting my great-grandmother and a care worker arrived. She asked us if we were mother and daughter!! I was 30 and great-grandmother was 90!

Sometimes works the other way though. Clients and colleagues at work are often surprised I am old enough to have dc at school. I didn't even have them young! Was in my late 20s to early 30s.

Maybe she thought your friend looked like a teen mum and you looked early 30s

*AIBU to think she should be more careful with her assumptions? Surely starting with sister would be less risky even if I did look 35/40 whatever.

God I feel so shit about it. winewine Can't even drink the wine.*

Err - can appreciate how you feel crap after that - I've had the other side of it whereby son's mates wind him up how I'm a milf, blah blah.

I really woudn't take it seriously

If you're pregnant, get used to HVs making you feel like shit.

I'm sure being tactless, thoughtless and ill-informed is part of the job description.

I'm sure there ARE lovely ones out there, they're just outnumbered by the bad ones.

Ten years ago I was in town to celebrate my twin sister's graduation and obtaining her PhD-I was in the bathroom before the ceremony and a woman saw me and said "You must be my Debbie's(my sister) mother!" I wanted the floor to swallow me up right then and there but I managed to squeak out "Well,actually I'm her twin sister Eileen" Yeah then it was her turn to want to die of embarrassment. I had a two year old child with severe health issues and it had been a traumatic birth but I didn't know I looked that bad! It was a rocky way to start the ceremony

She was probably just on autopilot.

I'm sure you look fine. Number12 makes good points in particular, in my opinion.

I have made this mistake as well. I saw a friend out and thought the person she was with was her mother. Tbf she looked like a grandma. I felt awful to find out it was a school friend.

I'd have been mortified too.

The woman should have more sense!

SIL got asked if she was the grandma of her dd : she's 40, which I can understand a bit more I suppose.

Just to let you know, I was stopped in the street by a woman with a clipboard who was doing a survey. "I'm stopping women over the age of 45 to ask them.....blah blah etc". I was 21! Now that did make me feel a bit confused

^

Tactless much?

I was 25, and went to sign up for some adult education classes. The woman accepting applications said 'do you have your gcse results yet??' I was 2 feckin 5! I was wearing a Bench coat though.

I do remember when I was about twenty five going somewhere with a 37 year old friend and being asked if she was my mother. My friend was mortified (she didn't look old at all but obviously older than me), I thought it was funny, albeit tactless, but she took a while to get over it.

Many years later, I was about 38 and with a friend of about 24 and someone said, "Nice to see a mother and daughter out together".

People should just zip it!!!!!!

I'm 40 and have amazing skin, you would never think I'm 40, no wrinkles at all.

Night cream is your friend and not botox.

I'm sure you look fab op so try and let it go.

Some Grandma’s are very young, my DM is so it’s an easy mistake to make if your friend looks very young. I would just laugh it off in all honesty but you are pregnant so understandable why it’s upsetting.

My friend’s SIL is much older than her and had my friend’s niece in her late forties. Whenever they go out together people assume my friend is the mother and she has even had snarky comments from strangers about ‘leaving granny to do everything’ when her SIL has been feeding the baby!

Honestly OP this would upset me for a little while too but you do just have to brush it off. It’s far more about people’s assumptions and unconscious biases than about how you actually look!

When we are out having a coffee we sometimes see another couple we vaguely know and they often invite us to share the table. On a few occasions she will say something along the lines of us and our toy boys ! my dh is not younger than me

For OP to be a “young grandma”, she’d have got pregnant at 14 or 15 and her “daughter” would have to also be 15 ... It’s not really the most likely scenario is it?

Why does it even matter what age anyone looks? It's really not that important. It doesn't make a difference to who we are.

My brother is 38 but looks younger. He was collecting his daughter from school one day and got chatting to a grandmother collecting her granddaughter. She asked him how many grandchildren he had.

I have a friend who's a lot older than me but frequently brackets me in the same age group - 'people our age' 'You'd remember that singer as well, wouldn't you'.

Some people are just rubbish at noticing that someone they're talking to is a lot younger than them. This HV is probably so used to mothers attending with their daughter that she didn't even look at you properly.

I used to get knocked back from nightclubs because I didn't look 21 - was actually 28 or so. But then, after I'd had ds (at 38 mind) I must have gone really "downhill" as a bloke asked ds if he was going for a walk with Grandma in the park... no, I'd taken my son out of school to visit the GP's clinic, thank you very much.

People don't think too much, I don't dwell on it (although I look a hell of lot more haggard than that now! ) but I do think professional people should be able to avoid making assumptions and verbalising them. When we go into appointments with ds I always say, "Right, I'm mum, this is dad, ds here has this problem..." and it saves any mistakes being made.

Pissed off is a strange reaction. Sounds like old lady was embarrassed enough. I'm not sure I would feel pissed of with anyone.

When I was 21 I went to visit my 25 year old friend in hospital who had just had her 3rd baby.
I was sitting down feeding him when a nurse came in and said “oh it must be lovely having an older one at home to help”, nodding at me.
I got an embarrassed nervous laugh, my friend was red faced furious and the poor nurse was mortified 😂

Did she even look at you properly or just glance up, see an outline and assume grandma? Perhaps her last few patients had brought their mothers in?

I've done this, working in a hospital and a visitor asked where a patient's bed was. I was very tired and distracted, briefly glanced at her and saw a grey haired lady who looked a bit similar to patient and said to my colleague 'X's mum's here, is she back from theatre yet?' Visitor replied crossly
'I'm her little sister!'
She didn't look old at all, I was just blurry eyed from night shifts.

When shopping with my mum we were in a furniture shop and an assistant said to my mum
'If you and your husband would like to step this way...' then peered at me and said 'oh you're a young lady, I am sorry!'
I was 21 and wearing a dress, so can only assume he was short sighted 😂

Remembered another, I was 19 and working in a shop as a holiday job. The manager told me off for forgetting to offer the senior citizens discount to over 65s.

I was hopeless at judging age, so I offered it to anyone with wrinkles/grey hair just in case! Que lots of incredulous comments and people saying 'I'm only 45!' and 'how old do you think I am young lady, I'm not drawing my pension yet!' 😳😳😳