To be pissed off that I was asked if I was my friend's Mum...

[tiredmama25]

So, for context. I'm 30 and my friend is nearly 28. She's just had a baby and is recovering from a c-section so I offered to go to her HV with her to get baby weighed.

We went into the room and sat down, HV started talking and then said "are you Grandma?" looking at me - after digesting what she'd said I replied "erm, no!" She then said Sister? Friend? I said just a friend. She apologised and went on to tell another "horrifying" story about how she'd asked someone if it was their Mum and it was their wife. Perhaps she hadn't learnt from last time.

Honestly, I can't shake it off it has really upset me. At the end she was like I'm sorry for asking if you were Grandma, I said "to be honest I am pretty offended, I'm only 30 so I can only hope you think my friend is a teenage mother as she's only 2 years younger than me". She said she did think she was younger.

I may be more sensitive than normal as I'm currently pregnant myself but she's just made me feel so shit. I'm paranoid I look in my 40's now or something which I really didn't think I did. Perhaps I should get booked in for some Botox.

AIBU to think she should be more careful with her assumptions? Surely starting with sister would be less risky even if I did look 35/40 whatever.

God I feel so shit about it. Can't even drink the wine.

People used to think my dad was my partner when I was pregnant. So either I looked really old, he looked really young or they thought he was some sort of wrongun.

@tiredmama25

LOL you poor thing! The woman must need new glasses if she thinks a 30 y.o. woman looks old enough to be the MOTHER of a 28 y.o!

If you were bold enough to post a pic on here, I bet everyone will agree you don't even LOOK 30.

I feel your pain though. I am 55 now, and I was asked to join the village's over 50's club when I was 47 (when I first came to my village!) Then I was told by a 20 y.o hairdresser (on enquiring about their prices,) that I would get a discount on Tuesdays. (On the way out I saw 'Pensioner Tuesday - 30% off for over 60's!') I was 53.

And my personal favourite, a checkout operator offering me a GOLD card (can't remember the store, maybe Homebase or B & Q...) I said, 'no thank I don't 'do' storecards...' On the way out, I noticed it was a loyalty card for the over 60's. I was 51.

Not gonna lie, it made me feel shit at the time. I thought 'how the eff do I look over 60, at 51?!' But then about 2 months later, a woman I spoke to had just celebrated her 65th birthday, and told me her son is coming to visit, and said 'he's about your age' and he was 45!

Then a few months back, someone asked me if the little boy messing about in the waiting room at the vets was my son. He was about 10. So I was quite flattered that they thought I was young enough to have a 10 year old!

Don't sweat it OP. You don't look old. Some people are shit at telling peoples ages.

I went to A&E when my DS was 1 and my DD was 13. I was then 31. I got asked by a doctor if I was granny. I was mortified! But not as mortified as my 13 year old daughter - doctor thought she was baby's mum. I said "She's only 13!" Doctor replied "Sorry but we see all age ranges here with babies!"
I'm now 44 and still waiting for my now 26-year old DD to make me a glamorous granny 😁

Another one chiming in with the 'people have no idea about ages' response. I've been both asked if I was my friend's mum (was 16 at the time and definitely didn't look mid 30s!) and if there's an adult at home/for ID at age 30. People just get a random assumption in their heads - not just age, lots of things, and then go with it despite no actual evidence supporting it!

The HV was a muppet though, as you say, how many times does she have to offend someone before she engages brain, particularly when it's so easy to rephrase the question innocuously, e.g 'Who's this with you?' or 'How are you related?' or just go with 'your friend' as standard until corrected, as something age and gender neutral.

She's an idiot, take no notice.

I've a sister who is ten years older than I am. When she had her second son who didn't sleep at all someone asked was she my mum. She was really upset afterwards as she was feeling shit and looked it but look old enough to be my mum. I think people speak without thinking sometimes or don't do what others would do if unsure and either not ask or assume sister as if it is the mother then you've flattered someone

How do you normally get on with everyday life if this has upset you. Laugh it off and leave it.

So...
I've been asked if was my dads wife (I was 16 yo at the time). My dad was fuming.

I've been asked if my DSis was my DD. There's 5 years between us.

Some people talk without thinking. They don't actually look at your face and are trying to make conversation.

Yet the other day I was asked for ID when buying a bottle of wine.

Perhaps she thought you were the baby's dad's mum though? He could jave been a lot younger than your friend?

Sometimes it's hard to guess people's ages.
Some people don't look their age at all, either younger or older.
She shouldn't have assumed, you're right.
But it was just a mistake.

I have previously called a mum of a toddler a granny before, completely embarrassed but at no point was I aiming to offend, just genuine mistake.

If you were bold enough to post a pic on here, I bet everyone will agree you don't even LOOK 30

How on earth can you come to that conclusion?

OP, what she said was shit, especially for someone who works with the public.

She should have said "And what's your relationship to the baby?"

But at least she did say it was because your friend looks younger.

Oh I still remember the time a women I worked with brought her young daughter into work and I said “are you having fun at work with granny”. That women’s face! she was gutted and said no I’m her mum! and then never spoke to me again . I now never guess who’s who. I’m a nurse and it’s so akward when people bring friends and relatives but don’t introduce them and your not quite sure how to say who are you without seeming rude.

I was once out with my husband, 2 kids and my Mum. Took photo of my Mum with my kids, and a person we were chatting to said "Doesn't Grandpa want to get in the photo too". My Mum was in her 70's and my husband his forties. I nearly collapsed laughing, and many years on it's still a regular tale we tell with MUCH laughing!

FairyDairy

Don't worry OP, I don't think she really looked at you properly, just a distracted glance.

I was once mistaken for a friends daughter, I was 24 and she was 25 at the time

I once had a midwife at the place worked ask me if I was pregnant. I said no, I definitely wasn't, she kept asking me if I sure and patted my belly! Now that stung.

I had this as a student with a friend who is 6 months younger than me. We'd gone to a local market looking for ingredients, the guy behind the fish stall in a lame attempt to flirt (with my friend) suggested we were mother and daughter. !!!

Sometimes it really is just about how you carry yourself, I've never been ID'd ever (even underage). Or perhaps I was just born middle aged!

I agree some people are really crap at telling ages. Try not to let it bother you. I had my DS when I was 18 and from when he hit about 20 people never seem to be sure if he's my son or partner! I look just a tad younger, him a tad older, so it probably looks as if there are 10-12 years between us, which confuses people! People tend to try to be diplomatic though, like at a party we both went to someone asked if we were related in any way! But drink the wine! It will make you feel better

Next door neighbor and a friend of DDs and partner at their allotment have both assumed Her partner is her mother. I can understand, to an extenst, the person from their allotment ( they've never seen me), but neighbour? Who do they think I am? DDs partner is five years older than her.

We all think it's hilarious. DD has always looked younger than her years five e years ago (at the age of 45), she was asked for proof of age in a supermarket when buying wine.

I wish I could say she inherited my genes. She didn't. She just looks young. It happens. Please, don't let it upset you

It's piss poor - she should have said "OK and who's this?"

I've had it before though - my late husband was 15 years older than me, and when his health started failing he looked even older, and I look
younger than I am. Quite a few HCPs basically said "Oh and can your.... daughter?... pick you up later?" which was embarrassing.

Try not to dwell on it. People make assumptions. Often because they are overworked and don't have time to really assess every family coming in (a given certainty within the NHS.)

I have a primary aged child and have been on a couple of pub outings with other parents from the class. A couple of times I have been asked if another parent is my mum.

I’ve been asked if I was my fourteen year old brother’s mum whilst at a hospital appointment for him with my forty seven year old step father. I’m twenty three for Christ sake! The funny thing is I always get mistaken for much younger than my age

Ouch, that's awkward. The HV should learn to ask "and what relation are you?" rather than just assuming. My sister, who is 4 years older than me has twice been assumed to be my mother, once when she came with me to an antenatal appointment and once at a car-boot sale. I think it's down to the fact she is completely grey and I dye my hair.

I was in the park with my toddler ds many years ago and another child asked if I was his grandma...I was in my twenties!

I am one year older than my sister. We were out with her two children and someone asked me if they were my only grandchildren. I felt exactly like you did. I know you should laugh it off but I also know it's much easier said than done!

She probably just didn’t think it through. I was a bit once when I went to see my Grandma in her nursing home and was asked if I was her daughter. She’s 99 and I’m 42.