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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To TTC when considering divorce?

92 replies

LovesHisMummyReally · 17/01/2019 12:01

I know it might sound counterintuitive but hear me out. We have struggled the last two years, usual drifting apart due to strain of parenting and demanding jobs, yadda yadda. I just don't see us lasting the course. But I am tempted to carry on ttc as my main driver is for DS to have the companionship of a sibling. And to me this seems especially important if the poor baby does end up being a child of a single parent/joint custody relationship, as he would feel less isolated (maybe). Or is this just totally unfair on future DC2?

OP posts:
IsItThatTimeAgain · 17/01/2019 12:03

It sounds like pouring gasoline on a fire.

tiggerkid · 17/01/2019 12:06

It's not only unfair on the future child but it's also unfair on your husband! Put yourself in his shoes for a minute although I appreciate it's difficult to imagine to have no control over this when you are a woman but indulge us and give it a go for a moment!

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 17/01/2019 12:07

Really unwise, I would say.

RiverTam · 17/01/2019 12:08

god, no. Children don't need a sibling for a companion. They need a stable, loving environment to grow and thrive in.

There are plenty of happy only children out there, and plenty of unhappy children living in messed-up households.

Kitsandkids · 17/01/2019 12:09

If you’re still willing to have sex with him is it not worth trying to save your marriage? I would try and get to a better place with him and only if that was possible try for another baby with him.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 17/01/2019 12:09

If you're considering that you might be a single mum of two, you're setting yourself up for a lot of stress and hard work.

Of course, lots of people are LPs, and they do cope. But most of them would love to be able to share the childcare/finances/talking about their children with a partner, and most people wouldn't chose being a single parent. It's often a lonely, hard, long road.

I would urge you to think very carefully.

CandidCat · 17/01/2019 12:10

I expect you will get a lot of flack, but I did exactly this. I did stay in the end, but things were v rocky when trying for dc2. My own parents' marriage hadn't been much fun and my siblings helped me survive. I didn't want an only child, and it helps having someone around who understands what it was like growing up in your household.

veggiepigsinpastryblankets · 17/01/2019 12:11

I have seen some odd posts on here about the HORROR of having/being an only child but this really takes the biscuit. No of course you shouldn't be TTC with someone you're breaking up with.

Arguably your son will benefit more from having your undivided attention in the event of a divorce.

RiverTam · 17/01/2019 12:12

Candid that makes no sense - your siblings helped you through your parents rocky marriage so the OP should bring another child into her rocky marriage to help her existing child through that rocky marriage, even though the existence of a second child may well make the marriage even rockier than it already is?

pandechocolate · 17/01/2019 12:15

When I read the title of this post, I said "dear god, no" out loud. After reading the rest of this post, that is still my opinion.

Arguably your son will benefit more from having your undivided attention in the event of a divorce.

This. If you have a new baby and are then going through a divorce, DC2 probably wouldn't know any different (assuming you divorced whilst he/she was a baby). However, DC1 would have to learn to share his Mum with a new baby and may feel pushed to one side slightly - coupled with a divorce - that could be quite damaging.

BunsOfAnarchy · 17/01/2019 12:16

So you have a divorce...then spend your time giving a small nany the majority of your attention as you are a single parent. So DS will feel even more isolated.

Awful AWFUL idea. You should focus on your current relationships. Can you not salvage your marriage? Or navigate a way of seperating slowly with DS wellbeing in mind.

BunsOfAnarchy · 17/01/2019 12:17

Baby** not nany

Batteriesallgone · 17/01/2019 12:17

So both you and your husband want to TTC.

Are you sure your marriage is failing? Sounds like it could just be a hard patch.

Romanov · 17/01/2019 12:17

oh my god no no and again NO!!!!

terrible terrible idea - your DC will be fine as a single

Original poster
LovesHisMummyReally · 17/01/2019 12:17

I should be clear that my preference is to work it out and, my God, I am trying. I just don't have confidence in us being together forever. We already made a decision a while back to have a second but an MC has brought on the reflection.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovesHisMummyReally · 17/01/2019 12:19

But this is already sobering. Thanks.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 17/01/2019 12:21

Shocking idea, are you for real? I feel desperately sad for your existing child and any ‘potential’ future children. And you seem prepared to see your DH, who you wish to divorce, as just a sperm doner. Hmm. Are you telling him how you feel? Would he have a choice in the decision?

CandidCat · 17/01/2019 12:21

River Tam I never said it made sense, it was a decision of the heart not the head, but one I am very happy with. I am also not advising the OP what she should do, merely sharing my experience.

tiggerkid · 17/01/2019 12:23

We already made a decision a while back to have a second

A while back isn't the same as now. If you are going to press on with this plan, I think it's only fair that you discuss this with DH and see if he is still prepared to stick with the decision made a while ago as you say.

There are some women, who do this in order to have two or more children, who are full siblings rather than half siblings, which, of course, also helps with the practicality of sorting out any future shared childcare arrangements, including financials, with one dad rather than multiple etc.

Having seen a couple of people who did this for those reasons, I personally find it very difficult to see any person, who is planning something like that without being fully transparent with the prospective parent, in a positive light.

Not trying to be offensive to you personally. Just sharing my personal POV.

RiverTam · 17/01/2019 12:24

well, you obviously did think about it as your first post makes clear.

It may have worked out for you but it's an absolutely dreadful idea - though an interesting reflection on exactly how negatively having one child can be perceived.

aintnothinbutagstring · 17/01/2019 12:31

Is your husband on board with your idea, if you're trying to work things out then I don't see why you'd throw a bomb like a new baby into the mix. I've seen couples go for a 'make or break' baby and its been the latter not the former.

speakout · 17/01/2019 12:37

Crazy stupid idea.

petmad · 17/01/2019 12:38

sort youre relationship out before even thinking of having another child

Batteriesallgone · 17/01/2019 12:46

OP, you have recently had a miscarriage?

I’m sorry. I hope you are ok. I think it makes sense to work through the miscarriage together before TTC again.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 17/01/2019 12:47

What will you do if said children dont get on? Not all siblings have a bond. What about your ds? His dad doesnt live with him and his mum is too focused on the baby. How will he feel?

Being an only child is not a bad thing. My dd is 11 and shes a sweet generous child with a brilliant creative mind
She does just fine.