Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To TTC when considering divorce?

92 replies

LovesHisMummyReally · 17/01/2019 12:01

I know it might sound counterintuitive but hear me out. We have struggled the last two years, usual drifting apart due to strain of parenting and demanding jobs, yadda yadda. I just don't see us lasting the course. But I am tempted to carry on ttc as my main driver is for DS to have the companionship of a sibling. And to me this seems especially important if the poor baby does end up being a child of a single parent/joint custody relationship, as he would feel less isolated (maybe). Or is this just totally unfair on future DC2?

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 17/01/2019 14:01

Another child never 'fixes' a bad relationship.
You sound as if you are not willing to fix your marriage.

It's bloody hard work to keep it going. You can't just walk off when 'work and parenting' make it tough.

You show a bit of backbone, go to counselling if need be, and give 100% to working it out when you have a child.

Behave like an adult.

Don't want out the minute the rosy glow has worn off.

If you leave now, then this pattern will repeat itself in all your relationships and you will be a serial monogamist.

JinglingHellsBells · 17/01/2019 14:02

and if you are still having good sex, it's unlikely your marriage is really on the rocks. Stats show that most divorcing couples have no sex for at least a year before they split.

Shallishanti123 · 17/01/2019 14:04

“Were all of you out there with more than one child content and confident in your marriages when you were TTC? Maybe I am too cynical/idealistic about my relationship.”

Yes. That’s why we decided to bring another child into our family.

Do you seriously mean you are thinking of divorce or is that you just being dramatic about a rocky patch?

troubleswillbeoutofsight · 17/01/2019 14:04

I think you're actually being really open and honest here. I also think you're far from unique to want this. It's just you're putting your thoughts out there so to speak. I know numerous divorced people where there were cracks in their marriages before they conceived and I'd put money on many people reading this to have been in a similar position.
Saying that I couldn't agree that it's right or fair. But why do any of us have children?

Boysandbuses · 17/01/2019 14:06

No plenty of people have babies when their marriage have issues.

However, most if them haven't got to the thinking about divorce stage and the baby usually adds pressure and makes things worse.

This really is all kids of wrong and you may find that somewhere along the way, you child blames the sibling for their whole world changing

JinglingHellsBells · 17/01/2019 14:16

If you are drifting apart due to work and parenting, how's about you a) tackle your work life balance b) go to a parenting class?

How on earth do you think that having another child- when you are both struggling with one- would make life better?

How would you cope with 2 children, work, and the financial burden of 2 homes on your current salaries?

Honestly, I feel you need a sharp kick up the bum and a heavy dose of realism.

Life, work, parenting is tough.

No one ever said it'd be easy.

Original poster
LovesHisMummyReally · 17/01/2019 14:28

We could cope financially and at some point, in a troubled relationship, you have to decide whether life is better in or out, taking into account here that that would mean split custody/part time single parenting. You hear 'stay together for the kids' and you hear 'better to split than raise kids in a bad marriage'. Neither is an attractive prospect. But if you go with the former do you stop breeding? I have scaled back on my work. He won't.

OP posts:
SuziQ10 · 17/01/2019 14:28

I see your point.
Not sure if I would do it myself, but I'm not judging.

deepwatersolo · 17/01/2019 15:09

You hear 'stay together for the kids' and you hear 'better to split than raise kids in a bad marriage'. Neither is an attractive prospect. But if you go with the former do you stop breeding?

Well, who would knowingly birth a child into a unattractive prospect? I mean... ?

Minniemountain · 17/01/2019 15:21

A friend and her H are staying together for their DS. There is no way they will be having more.

tiggerkid · 17/01/2019 15:30

My friend won't consider sperm donation or adoption and wishes she'd had the second child before splitting up.

This was exactly my point earlier. I've seen few cases already where women did this to get a full sibling rather than half sibling for their child and to get one man to support and manage childcare arrangements with rather than multiple.

Seems all quite pragmatic on the face of it except that it's really unfair on the kids or the other parent.

The one thing that these ladies don't consider is that every choice has a consequence and one of the consequences is that this kind of choice does make it harder to establish new relationships because not everyone wants to be a parent to 2 or more kids that aren't his.

JacquesHammer · 17/01/2019 15:31

The one thing that these ladies don't consider is that every choice has a consequence and one of the consequences is that this kind of choice does make it harder to establish new relationships because not everyone wants to be a parent to 2 or more kids that aren't his

You do realise not all of “these ladies” want another relationship?

JinglingHellsBells · 17/01/2019 16:02

I doubt your marriage is as bad as you are trying to make out.

You are still having regular good sex from what you say. Yes you can have sex but not love or commitment, but it doesn't sound that bad a marriage.

If you are drifting apart, why not put your efforts into drifting together?

It sounds as if you can't be bothered, are bored and ready to give up at the first sign of 'trouble' in your marriage.

What does your husband want?

What exactly is wrong with your relationship?

(Other than boredom, tiredness and lack of time which all parents have to cope with.)

Original poster
LovesHisMummyReally · 17/01/2019 16:20

I am not trying to make out my marriage is worse than it is (which would be weird), I am not lazy and I am not off at the first sign of trouble, JinglingHellsBells. You are deducing that from nowhere. I was avoiding a general husband bash but, in short, he is vacant, constantly preoccupied with work and social media, doesn't engage in conversation, generally not interested in me as a human being, has an awful temper and I HAVE BEEN TRYING SO FRICKING HARD EVERY DAY FOR 2 YEARS NOW TO FIX THIS. It's gruelling.

OP posts:
Bigonesmallone3 · 17/01/2019 16:31

I think if you want another baby, this could be your last chance being 37, you are hardly going to start a new relationship and have a baby in a small amount of time! If you are both on board with the idea, can co-parent like adults but just can't see your marriage working then I would!

Shoot me

SandyY2K · 17/01/2019 16:40

As long as your DH is aware of the potential plan and that divorce is on your mind...then fine.

Ragwort · 17/01/2019 16:44

Big do you really think a baby is a commodity and you just need to decide ‘OK, things aren’t perfect but it is my right to have more than one child so I’ll just go ahead and have another one in case I’ve left it too late’.

I despair of the human race sometimes with attitudes like that.

SandyY2K · 17/01/2019 16:46

Just wondering... from a gender reverse perspective. If a man said his marriage wasn't going so well and thought divorce was a strong possibility, but wanted to get his wife pregnant... what would we think?

I'll bet he'd be called every name under the sun.

tiggerkid · 17/01/2019 16:46

You do realise not all of “these ladies” want another relationship?

Where did I say that they ALL want another relationship? I said it's one of the consequences. And it's obvious that it only applies to those, who do or may want another relationship!

Your logic is a bit like this: Met office said it's going to be cold outside. Oh my, what makes them think that everyone is going to feel cold in this temperatures?

Charlie97 · 17/01/2019 16:47

@LovesHisMummyReally given your update I certainly would not have another baby, would you feel 100% happy him having custody for weekend, holidays etc with those traits?

MoaningSickness · 17/01/2019 16:50

If you are both on board with the idea, can co-parent like adults but just can't see your marriage working then I would!

Yep, me too.

I'd regret not trying for the kids I wanted for the rest of my life, totally not worth ruining that over any man/relationship.

Bigonesmallone3 · 17/01/2019 16:54

Ragwort
How does this make a baby a commodity?
If a mother wants a baby with a willing percipient (if that's what he is)

Why can't two people say this marriage isn't working but do you know what we are bloody good parents!

Stop being so narrow minded

JacquesHammer · 17/01/2019 17:05

I said it's one of the consequences. And it's obvious that it only applies to those, who do or may want another relationship!

Yeah it was all a bit “modify your behaviour or you ain’t never gonna catch a man”

Ragwort · 17/01/2019 17:29

Reading the op’s post at 16.20 I fail to see how the DH can be a ‘bloody good parent’. Hmm To quote the op ‘he is vacant, preoccupied with work & social media .... and has an awful temper’.

Maybe my standards for parenting are too high, it took me over 10 years after getting married to decide whether or not to have a child, I wanted to be absolutely sure both DH and I were 100% committed to raising a child, and we chose to stick with just one. Becoming a parent is one of the most significant decisions anyone will make and yes, perhaps I am judgemental and narrow minded but it does shock me how casual some people are about having children.

JinglingHellsBells · 17/01/2019 17:46

@LovesHisMummyReally
So if your DH is such an arsehole, why are you having sex with him still? All is well in the conjugal domain
Wow.

This doesn't add up.

As I said earlier, there have been a spate of posts like this in the ;ast 2 weeks.
One was from a 40 yr old who wanted to use her ex as a sperm donor/ co-parent for Baby No 2 which she was desperate for.

The other was from a woman in her mid 20s who wanted a 2nd child even though she was unhappy and wanted to separate from her partner.

I'm with @Ragwort.

Some people are just selfish. They think only of themselves.
How do you think a child deserves to be parented by your DH who cannot behave well - it seems- with his one child?
How can you put your own needs above a child's? (Which ideally is to have 2 committed parents.)

Your child is 2 years old. You say you have been trying to fix the problem for two years.

Yes, it makes perfect sense to add another child to this waiting to happen train crash of a relationship. Hmm