To TTC when considering divorce?

[LovesHisMummyReally]

I know it might sound counterintuitive but hear me out. We have struggled the last two years, usual drifting apart due to strain of parenting and demanding jobs, yadda yadda. I just don't see us lasting the course. But I am tempted to carry on ttc as my main driver is for DS to have the companionship of a sibling. And to me this seems especially important if the poor baby does end up being a child of a single parent/joint custody relationship, as he would feel less isolated (maybe). Or is this just totally unfair on future DC2?

The DC will have the same father, which will make life so much easier for things like co-parenting. Make sure that you get to keep the house and that he pays maintenance.

You will still have demanding jobs and even more parenting after the divorce. It would be better to concentrate on improving the marriage, workload and parenting now that on having more children.

I was an only dc. I had a dog sibling. Can you imagine handing over a tiny baby for contact with your estranged dh?
Get to Dog's Trust instead.

What does your husband think?

Just really absolutely no. As a single mum who had two kids on my own for years please don't even consider it.
Firstly the move from 1 to 2 children is hard enough on you and your existing child when you are in a settled relationship but to do it amidst a possible divorce is crazy.
If you did have another baby there could be health problems etc that you obviously can't plan for and the impact of a newborn on you as a mum is something you can never quite prepare for, even when you've done it once before.
Just consider being a lone parent and having a medical emergency and having to take baby and child to A and E in the middle of the night for example. Speaking from experience this is not something you think of in the throes of TTC but it is the reality of life as a single mum.
Of course you can't plan to have a child without health problems when you are part of a couple but it's much easier to manage with two of you there to take the strain.
Again there's the impact on the children. I'd like to think mine are well adjusted but of course they are affected by their dad not living with us any more.
I hope you are able to get your marriage back on track and leave TTC until then. Or split amicably and focus on your existing child.
None of it is easy and I'm not saying it is. I'm sorry for your loss too.

YABU. If you split, the child you have may well need your full attention to settle well into the new situation. Hell, my 4 year old sister cut her hair short out of jealousy for the new baby that I was and that had all the attention, even without any other changes in the family.

It depends if your husband is on board.

We TTC before, during and after our split. No regrets - sadly (although not surprisingly) it didn’t work out.

We had made plans as so how contact would work etc.

So you are considering divorcing your husband, but want to use him to father another child beforehand, just so your child could have a sibling to turn to/companionship? This cannot be real.

Chances are they wont be an only child. My friends who've split up, usually the ex-husband finds a slightly younger woman and has another child.

I don’t think this is a great idea. I have siblings and went through my parents very messy divorce, my siblings were not a support to me. They just happened to be people of a similar age that lived in my house. Not to mention the divorce probably caused more problems in our sibling relationship.

As someone said, it’s like pouring gasoline on to a fire. It’s not fair to anybody.

I think it might be for you, rather than for your DS.

Dear God, what is wrong with you??

How old is your DS and how old are you? Personally I think this is a really bad idea and won't end well. How would you feel handing over your small baby to your ex husband?

Did you post about this last week?

Ok, I think the poll is conclusive and can be closed now. Thanks all for sharing, it is appreciated.

No I didn't post before on this and I am 37.

Op...in the nicest way sort out your relationship first before ttc.

Why would you even consider about bringing another child into this world under those circumstances????

1. Does your husband know you are considering divorce?
2. Does your husband know you are TTC?
3. Don’t people usually split up before get divorced?
4. Do couples who are considering divorce still have sex?

My friend did this, stayed with husband just to get a second child out of him and by the time that child was born everything had worked itself out and they went on to have a 3rd child and are still together years and years later.
She did even leave him briefly before ttc second child but somehow they worked through their issues.

It would be pretty insane if you are planning to split/divorce imminently. However, if you've decided your relationship won't last forever but is good enough to last out the childhood of your child plus another, I think that's a somewhat bad but not terrible idea.

Plenty of marriages come to a point where you accept it won't be walking on clouds any more but it's ok to stick out until other options are feasible, e.g. kids leave home.

Are you the same poster who posted this a couple of weeks back, but with change of details?

If not, there is a rash of this on MN!

As someone said to the PP, you'd be using your partner as a sperm donor.

The other post said the same things- wanting a sibling for a child.

Kids don't care about siblings.
Some siblings hate each other.
Sharing the same genes does not equal a happy relationship.

I think you are being amoral to even consider doing this to your DH and you need to step back and see how awful this looks to outsiders.

Why would you even want to shag someone you are contemplating divorcing?

When my marriage was on the rocks, I couldn’t bare to be in the same building as my ex, there’s no way I’d have considered having sex with him!

My friend regrets not doing this. She desperately wanted another child, she postponed trying as they began to grow apart. There was no abuse, no cheating and the split was amicable. He sees and supports his son and he sees Dads extended family regularly. She has a great job and she was able to buy him out if the family home.

But she is still desperate for that second child. Although she has dated, she is older now and doesn't want to waste her time with someone who doesn't want a child but how do you bring up early without sounding like baby hungry loon. She is also clued up enough to know that not every relationship ends as amicably and worries about rushing in and making a mistake leaving her with two children from 2 different men. He ex is now living with a woman and her two chidren, they plan to marry. Friend likes her but the new woman doesn't want more children. My friend won't consider sperm donation or adoption and wishes she'd had the second child before splitting up.

But who knows if the split would have been as amicable with two children - she will never know.

What does your husband think?

We have been open about the problems being serious and needing to be fixed. Simultaneously we have both shared a desire for a second child. And yes, all is well in the conjugal domain. Were all of you out there with more than one child content and confident in your marriages when you were TTC? Maybe I am too cynical/idealistic about my relationship.