AIBU to want help with laundry

[Nayeds]

Last night I had a furious anger explosion. I just couldn't stop being so very angry. I asked my husband to just hang his OWN clean but damp underwear on the clothes horse. He wouldn't do it. This made me more furious. I told him do his own laundry from now on but I cannot bear it building up in the basket and smelling the whole upstairs out. AIBU to PUSH him into doing his own laundry? The most housework he does is empty the bins (sometimes he forgets and guess who does it then). He won't even wash a dish after himself.

When he lived with his mother until he met me (at 28, I was 18) his mother did EVERYTHING for him-even iron his clothes! I need some tips to make him see I'm at the end of my tether clearing up his dirty mess! Or am I simply being unreasonable?

Oh the house appointments are a long story and irrelevant to the post hun.

Marriage is a partnership in many different ways.
Can I ask what your financial relationship is like ? Do you have full oversight of your finances ? Do you have full and equal access to all money coming into the house ? Do you own your house or are you renting ? Is your name on deeds/lease ?

This is one of the reasons why I left my husband. He was lazy and selfish. He also smelled.. some people are just naturally smelly.

I think putting in a black bag and sending it off to his mums is a brilliant idea 😁

Thanks you Alex. Yes I am going to calmly speak to him after work. You're right. It's not normal and like Doris said, it's the way I was brought up and it's NOT right but a calm discussion should work. Thanks again.

It'snotme lol fair enough but he doesn't smell. I couldn't love or have sex with a man who smelled haha

Yes 100% stop doing it for him

Give him his own washing basket x

Maybe it is just me but I find it odd that laundry is the thing that you had an argument over. I like doing laundry and find that for two people it doesn't amount to a lot and doesn't take much sorting out.

I am wondering then if this is symptomatic of some deeper issue with your relationship? If i had a strop over laundry my DH would immediately know i was displacing my anger and that i was in a stew about something else entirely. Are there other issues in your relationship?

You shouldn’t need to ask him to do stuff for himself. It should be his work but somehow you’ve taken on ownership of that task.

It might be acceptable for a woman to take on household tasks if you are at home and your job is to manage the house, but you both work full time so why do you get two jobs and he gets lots of free time?

You need to reset this. He needs to do 50% load of everything so you both have the same free time. He also shouldn’t need to be asked.

You asked about other DHs. Mine does equal laundry and cleaning amounts, more tidying than me and I do more cooking than him. We do an equal amount round the house though.

You are young enough to dump this loser and find a man who will treat you with respect.

I got fed up with doing Ex husbands washing All The Bloomin Time, so stopped. Eventually he ran out of clothes and a major row ensued. #sorrynotsorry (Note the word Ex.....)

Neyads, I didn’t realise my ex smelled. I just thought all men are smelly lol. Just thought it was normal for a man to smell like that.

Anyway I’m with a super hero now who works 12 hours a day and then comes home and makes the dinner 🤓 I do all the washing and ironing because I need something to do. He does bins, DIY and anything else. Also tidies but we live in a small flat. AND he doesn’t smell !!!

When I had teenagers they would put clean clothes in the basket. Because they would clear everything off the bedroom floor. The clean clothes I refused to wash and so put them back on hangers in their wardrobes. Why should I wash and iron them when they still smelled fresh !!

Lots of relationships can sleep walk in to norms like this. I think the important thing is how he reacts when you try to redress it. Does he think, “yeah, you’ve got a point, that’s not fair” or does he react angrily.

I couldnt get het up about laundry. Can you ask him if he hates it so much is there another task that normally falls to you that he would prefer, say cook every evening or do the dishes every day? If you wash clothes as soon as you have a wash load this stuff shouldnt be building up, it takes seconds to shove in the washer and a couple mins to hang on the clothes maiden/chuck in dryer.

My husband does ALL his own laundry.

I used to do his but he complained that I didn’t put it back in his drawers neatly enough. So then I put it on his chair in the bedroom .

Then he complained about that, so I stoppped doing any of his laundry.

He also complained that I was too fussy about the kitchen, that I was uptight and “had issues” . That i nagged the children to put their dishes in the dishwasher ( I know !!! Call childline )

So I stoppped washing his dishes or putting them in the dishwasher .I have a section of the worktop where I pile up the mound of dishes and chopping boards that are created from the endless amount of snacks he makes.

That was 4 years ago. I suspect he regrets it now.

He also complained that I made too much fuss about Christmas, that i was uptight and had issues .

I used to do EVERYTHING. Bought and wrapped all gifts, including my own. Sent all cards. Did trees and decorations . Planned , shopped and cooked and cleaned up after all meals. Entertained his very large family. He didn’t even look after our 3 small children while I did this BTW.

One Christmas Day was the last straw. I spend most of the day in the kitchen , tidying up and looking after the kids. He sat on the sofa all day , drinking with his family, being the big “I am” and joking about me and my “issues” and how I didn’t know how to relax .

So I told him on Boxing Day that since I had done the last 12 Christmases , he could do the next 12 . Because I realised that he was right and I was wrong, it was easy and no big deal, that I needed to chill out and relax like him. I thanked him for pointing out my mistakes.

So guess what ?

No cards were sent out.

No gifts were bought ( just as well I’d bought some for the children and hidden them ) . He went out to the pound shop on Christmas Eve and got them stupid things that he passed off as “ joke gifts “. Kids were not amused. ( they are too old to believe in Santa BTW )

No gifts were bought and sent to his family.

No guests were invited , especially his family.

Christmas dinner was one course - chicken with potatoes and veg . He didn’t do gravy or any of the usual trimmings except pigs in blankets. It was dry and lukewarm and the kids didn’t eat it. He got annoyed ( not very chilled and laid back, I observed ).

I relented on the tree and decorations because I love them and he wasn’t going to do then. I realised that having the house look Christmassy mattered more to me and the kids .

And I discovered that he was right. Christmas was SO much more relaxed when I sat on the sofa all day with a glass of something fizzy. Sadly only one glass as I had to work that evening but even still.

No wonder men love Christmas - now I know I’ve been doing it wrong all along . It will be even better when he buys and wraps the gifts, decorates the house and entertains 23 members of my family .

Give him this to read: mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Ok ok I'm angry yes....but I doubt this is grounds for divorce. Do all your husbands/partners do their laundry?

Mine see's and does what needs doing, he lives in the house too - hoovering, washing up, cleaning the bathroom, changing the bed etc along with washing.

His exclusive jobs are the garden and taking the bins out. Mine is meal planning & cooking (because I like cooking) - although occasionally he will cook a proper meal but I tend to cook in the week, on the weekend he might stick a pizza or chicken in the oven or we eat out - and I said to him the other day that he can plan & cook one day a week. I'm on a milkshake diet for the moment though so it will be a while - but he will now start to cook for himself as I'm not eating.

Well done Wh1spers

He does the DIY, garden stuff etc
These tend to be less frequent jobs. Plus you can much more easily pay someone to do them if you need to as one off things. Meanwhile laundry piles up constantly.

it takes seconds to shove in the washer and a couple mins to hang on the clothes maiden/chuck in dryer

Er, not for me. Well done if this is the case for you. I don't find it is in our house.

Mine doesn't do laundry because I like doing it and am territorial over it!

But he irons... and hoovers and washes up, sorts the dishwasher, cleans, does the bins, cleans the cars, cooks sometimes and all sorts of other things.

We've been married over 40 years and the house has never been just 'my' job.

Even my dh does his own laundry, from sorting to putting away (including ironing).

I showed dd how to use the washing machine when she was 11, she does all her own laundry as dh does, and has for years.

Thing is, both you and your dh are ADULTS, and adults are responsible for the environment in which they live. So as you both work ft, you also both have equal responsibility for the chores and getting them done.

I don't know why some adults think they can shunt that responsibility on to someone else. If he doesn't like it, he can employ a cleaner and housekeeper. If e expects to use you as such, then he needs to be certain that what he's giving you in return is satisfactory to you - doesn't sound like it is.

Just because you're a bit younger than him doesn't mean you're his drudge.

WH1SPERS you're a hero. That's all I have to say.

Go Op, u have my full backing and YANBU!💐

It absolutely IS grounds for divorce. Frankly I fail to see why you're with such a lazy, disrespectful arse in the first place!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/?client=safari

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Strategic%20Incompetence&amp=true

m.youtube.com/watch?v=SqQgDwA0BNU

How much time does he spend doing financial arrangements, appointments and how much time do you spend doing EVERYTHING ELSE?

"if I ASK him he will do what ever"

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

So he won't even THINK for himself?

www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/a23469721/emotional-labour-mental-load/

"I realise this is the difference between us. While I’m constantly thinking about both of us, he only ever thinks about himself" I think this comment is key

"Pumpkin it was because I was demanding it angrily." What he means is you weren't subservient and grateful enough for him doing what is as far as he's concerned YOUR job (even though it's his clothes). He views you as his servant.

It's not about laundry - it's about respect.

He doesn't respect you.

It's your choice to be with him, to stay with him & try to work on this.

Personally I'm 46 and my life experience is selfish, lazy, disrespectful arses don't change. So I'd cut my losses, especially while you're still young. Do you wan to spend the next 50 years being treated like his maid?

I like whispers style very much. I too married a man who had never lived out of home. He also never did anything at home, his mum didn’t think life skills were necessary. Now, of course he does laundry. His and mine. He knows how to read a tag or see if something is a knit because I lost my shit everytime he destroyed something silk and used our money to buy something nice and new instead. I refused to stop putting them in the basket as he suggested because I will only share my life with an adult (& our children of course). He cooks, I explained the minumum requirements are to be able to provide healthy nutritious meals that we enjoy eating, not a take away or a steak and oven chips. He’s not perfect, has a bit to go, but you need to raise your standards!

You know what a lot of us do? We just get on and do it rather than argue.

Have a look at this:
www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Have a quiet conversation with him about how you feel the job should be shared, What does he think it's your responsibility? Would he prefer to pay for a laundry service? Choose your battles. Rome wasn't built in a day. I have had similar issues about cooking. I too had tantrums but it just makes them defensive, similarly nagging was counterproductive. Eventually the penny dropped and he now says he never refused to cook!

Why do his dirty clothes smell????