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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want help with laundry

104 replies

Nayeds · 17/01/2019 07:16

Last night I had a furious anger explosion. I just couldn't stop being so very angry. I asked my husband to just hang his OWN clean but damp underwear on the clothes horse. He wouldn't do it. This made me more furious. I told him do his own laundry from now on but I cannot bear it building up in the basket and smelling the whole upstairs out. AIBU to PUSH him into doing his own laundry? The most housework he does is empty the bins (sometimes he forgets and guess who does it then). He won't even wash a dish after himself.

When he lived with his mother until he met me (at 28, I was 18) his mother did EVERYTHING for him-even iron his clothes! I need some tips to make him see I'm at the end of my tether clearing up his dirty mess! Or am I simply being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Nayeds · 17/01/2019 07:59

Mildshock: I put it all locked in the boiler room. But the heat is what makes it smell. Anyway, person who said put in black bag was invaluable. Sorted now.

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Original poster
Nayeds · 17/01/2019 08:00

Amy! You're right there my love. He will probably listen if we're calm. Thanks hun

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DayAfterTomorrow · 17/01/2019 08:00

Do all your husbands/partners do their laundry?

My son does his own laundry and has done since he was 14.

Why? Because he couldn't get his laundry into the laundry basket for washing. Because I'm not his maid. Because he needed to learn that his laundry was his responsibility and not that of any woman he might ever live with...

He's now 20 and is an absolute pleasure to have living at home because he behaves like an adult (on the whole!) and takes responsiblity for his own shit.

SushiMonster · 17/01/2019 08:01

Oooh he does important house appointments? How many of those are there a year?

You’ve married a lazy, disrespectful misogynist. I fortinatky you also believe that doing the cleaning is ‘your place’ which is really sad. I can’t belive people still think like this in 2019.

GertrudeWilloughby · 17/01/2019 08:01

Financial stuff and house appointments are usually done once and then that's it for a while. Laundry and cleaning is ongoing.

You do appear very naive, judging by your last update though... Hmm

anniehm · 17/01/2019 08:02

It all depends upon how else your household runs. I sort the housework because my dh works 60+ hours per week and I do 20. (I saw sort because I have a cleaner who does some of it, I do laundry, cooking, dishes, mid week cleaning etc). Dh does now the lawn in summer though and cleans the bath if he uses it (none of the rest of us have baths, shower is separate)

Original poster
Nayeds · 17/01/2019 08:02

I think I am naive tbh. Yeah.

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LuckyAmy1986 · 17/01/2019 08:02

No I just meant give it one final go of telling him how serious you are and it’s really affecting your relationship. Sorry but I haven’t got it in me to be petty back!

Original poster
Nayeds · 17/01/2019 08:03

Anniehm yeah mine does all that stuff too.

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QuaterMiss · 17/01/2019 08:04

Good grief!

I'd say LTB - not because he's awful (As you clearly don't think that) but because you don't appear to have had any other adult life experience. Which seems a shame and means you haven't made any conscious choice about how you live your life.

No - there is no law that says women do the cleaning. Shock

Ragh · 17/01/2019 08:05

You would be entirely reasonable to divorce over the washing. Read this article

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/

TulipsInbloom1 · 17/01/2019 08:05

So while you are cooking, tidying, dishes, laundry etc. What is he doing at the same time? Just sat round watching you do it all?

Can't you see how disrespectful that is towards you?

Original poster
Nayeds · 17/01/2019 08:05

Petty to me? Or petty in the relationship with it partner Amy? I meant no sarcasm in any of my posts...sorry if it came across wrong.

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Original poster
Nayeds · 17/01/2019 08:07

Well tulips he does other stuff...my post is about the laundry. He does the DIY, garden stuff etc if I ASK him he will do what ever. Just last night was a argument over laundry

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AlexaShutUp · 17/01/2019 08:07

I think maybe it's the way I was brought up? I thought women did the cleaning etc and I do the cleaning better.

Wow. This is actually your problem. It's no wonder that your DH is such a lazy arse. You have enabled it.

If you want to live that way, it's entirely your choice, but most people have moved on from the notion that a woman's place in life is to be a domestic skivvy.

I recommend that you find a little more self-respect and start expecting a bit more for yourself.

Original poster
Nayeds · 17/01/2019 08:08

Idk if I am being a bit silly but I feel like some people are trying to make me feel like I should divorce him...if I'm wrong I apologise.

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Original poster
Nayeds · 17/01/2019 08:08

You're right Alex. I do need more self respect

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Pumpkintopf · 17/01/2019 08:10

Was there any particular reason that he refused to hang up the laundry at that point in time- was he busy or something- or was he refusing to do it ever again?

Original poster
Nayeds · 17/01/2019 08:11

Pumpkin it was because I was demanding it angrily.

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Original poster
Nayeds · 17/01/2019 08:11

And no, he normally will just do it but only if I ASK Pumpkin

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DorisDances · 17/01/2019 08:11

I put the washing in and get it dry but DH does most of the ironing. Other chores are shared out naturally. Our premise is we both want the pots cleared after a meal so never get to a stand off or sense of my job/your job. Good luck to you OP in resolving - as you say, a calm discussion is a next step. On a more general point, it is disappointing in this day and age that patents arent role modelling equal and respectful behaviour- it seems that some still think it is the mother's job to teach a son.

GinIsIn · 17/01/2019 08:13

If you’ve always believed too that it was ‘women’s work’ then I think it’s very unreasonable to suddenly snap and lock all his stuff away in black bags without talking to him sensibly first.

What are all these mystery house appointments that equal doing the laundry?

Read up about the mental load, then have a calm chat with him.

winecigsandchoc · 17/01/2019 08:14

Leave a can of fabreeze next to the pile?

Original poster
Nayeds · 17/01/2019 08:14

Thanks Doris!!!! This was MY thinking exactly!!! Thanks for your post. I mean that. Greatly appreciated. Ok I have a electric guy coming in a hour so signing off for now but thanks to everyone who helped 😍

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AlexaShutUp · 17/01/2019 08:15

OP, you don't need to apologise to anyone here. Whether you want to stay in your marriage or not is entirely your call, nobody can tell you what to do.

What we're telling you is that your attitude to cleaning/housework (ie that it's women's work) is not the norm, and that your DH's refusal to contribute to the housework is not normal or inevitable either. Decent men will do their fair share.

I'm not telling you to get divorced if you don't want to, but I do think you should be demanding more respect and cooperation from your husband. It is not your job to serve him, it should be an equal partnership. Can you talk to him about how tasks are divided between you? Will he listen?