I want to ban a misogynist from my house.

[CoolCucumber88]

I've name changed for this as it may be outing. I have a relative by marriage who is, in my opinion, a misogynist. I don't mean he tells sexist jokes, I think he holds damaging beliefs about women as demonstrated by:

Flirting with a young woman less than half his age he has never met on Facebook, sending her unwanted messages, commenting on her photos and then writing posts about her being a "stupid bitch" when she blocked him and that he thought she was desperate.

Commenting on women's appearances in a negative way when it isn't needed, such as calling women "fat bitches" when they dare be overweight in his presence. These women haven't even spoken to him he will just point one out and tell us how "fat and ugly" she is.

Horrible treatment of his now ex wife when they were married such as lying about saying he was at work when he was really flirting with women.

He has also in the past made sexually inappropriate comments about me to my DH. DH however tolerates "Fred" for the sake of family peace and thinks I should too. His reasoning is he rarely comes over to see us and he doesn't actually mean what he says and while it's unacceptable, he's from a different time and we should just humour him and wait for him to go away.

I do not want to tolerate Fred in my own home. I do not see why I should have to be around someone who makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to hear his comments or humour his opinions.

DH agrees with me they're unacceptable but thinks me saying he can never visit is too far and it's unfair as he hasn't said anyone from my family can't come over. Which is true but no one in my family acts like this and if they did I'd be saying the same thing. I've offered to see Fred with DH in a restaurant, coffee shop or other open space but DH doesn't see why I should be able to veto someone from the house.

I'm not in the wrong here to not want this gross behaviour in my home am I?

ExFury how did you discover it and what happened to you when you did? I have a feeling when DH does he will be very upset

ExFury

He does stand up to him when absolutely necessary. I am an introvert and visitors unannounced gives me panic attacks. He made Fred go away once as he turned up without prior warning and he knew it had upset me. So he will stand his ground over things like that.

It's the general insidious remarks and behaviour that he tolerates.

CoolCucumber88

Mine was slightly different in that I was hoping that he’d changed. I knew what he’d been.

Randomly mine was a very innocuous sounding thing that made me realise he hadn’t changed or had any actual interest in me. We were talking about family trees, I’ve done genealogy for years and he announced he was going to pay someone ‘proper’ to do it. It was a lightbulb moment where I realised that nothing I’d ever do would be enough or right.

It was heartbreaking. It was like being a kid and my grabdad explaining why we’d been taken to live with him and my Gran all over again.

Also be warned that when your FIL dies your DH will possibly grieve very very heavily because he’ll be grieving for th father he wanted as much, maybe even more, than the father he had.

I know that it’s hideous but it’s really good that your DH will already stand up to him when necessary. That’s big steps for someone in his position. It really is.

ExFury

It is good it means I can trust him to at least stop any truly awful stuff.

He told DH he would give him £1,000 for my number and that "all you have to do for all that money is just send her number to me. How much do you need it?"

I'd be seriously tempted to take the £1000, give him the number of a cheapo phone bought for the purpose, and then leave that phone in a drawer perpetually turned to silent. Then if he complains, just say "I gave you her number, I never said she was going to answer it."

Mind you, I'm gobsmacked that your DH still wants to see him after stunts like that.

My goodness why your husband wants to be friends with a dick like that! He has to grow a backbone. I wou,d tell him that after trading you so appealingly, Fred is not welcome in yiur home.

Also be warned that when your FIL dies your DH will possibly grieve very very heavily because he’ll be grieving for th father he wanted as much, maybe even more, than the father he had.

This definitely. I grieved so much for my F, despite the fact that when he was alive he made my skin crawl and when he was very ill in hospital I was willing him to die. There was a lot of guilt as a result.

Until the scales came off my eyes when my DDs were little and the memories of the abuse DSis and I had suffered came flooding back.

There can also be a tendency to eulogise the memory of someone who has died; my DB is like that, it's another reason why I can't be around him.

Another cracker from him was he once offered my DH a thousand pounds if he gave him my number. He knew I didn't want him to have it and that DH didn't want to give it. He also knew at that time we were struggling financially.

I'm sorry but that really would be the last straw for me. His DF is essentially stalking you. Take away the family relationship (that clouds it) and he sounds really worrisome.

Another cracker from him was he once offered my DH a thousand pounds if he gave him my number. He knew I didn't want him to have it and that DH didn't want to give it. He also knew at that time we were struggling financially.

Your FIL has no interest in your number imo. He was testing your DH on two fronts. Was he ‘man enough’ to defend his woman (bleurgh, but you know what I mean) and man enough not to take the money.

Your FIL put his son in the position of being financially better off when you were struggling or respecting your dislike of the man and not giving him your number.

It was simply another stick to beat him with.