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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want to ban a misogynist from my house.

110 replies

CoolCucumber88 · 16/01/2019 23:01

I've name changed for this as it may be outing. I have a relative by marriage who is, in my opinion, a misogynist. I don't mean he tells sexist jokes, I think he holds damaging beliefs about women as demonstrated by:

Flirting with a young woman less than half his age he has never met on Facebook, sending her unwanted messages, commenting on her photos and then writing posts about her being a "stupid bitch" when she blocked him and that he thought she was desperate.

Commenting on women's appearances in a negative way when it isn't needed, such as calling women "fat bitches" when they dare be overweight in his presence. These women haven't even spoken to him he will just point one out and tell us how "fat and ugly" she is.

Horrible treatment of his now ex wife when they were married such as lying about saying he was at work when he was really flirting with women.

He has also in the past made sexually inappropriate comments about me to my DH. DH however tolerates "Fred" for the sake of family peace and thinks I should too. His reasoning is he rarely comes over to see us and he doesn't actually mean what he says and while it's unacceptable, he's from a different time and we should just humour him and wait for him to go away.

I do not want to tolerate Fred in my own home. I do not see why I should have to be around someone who makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to hear his comments or humour his opinions.

DH agrees with me they're unacceptable but thinks me saying he can never visit is too far and it's unfair as he hasn't said anyone from my family can't come over. Which is true but no one in my family acts like this and if they did I'd be saying the same thing. I've offered to see Fred with DH in a restaurant, coffee shop or other open space but DH doesn't see why I should be able to veto someone from the house.

I'm not in the wrong here to not want this gross behaviour in my home am I?

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 17/01/2019 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 07:58

ReanimatedSGB

I'm virtue signalling and self righteous for not wanting someone who's behaviour makes me uncomfortable in my own home?

He can have a relationship with him but I don't think me and the kids need to put up with his crap.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 17/01/2019 08:25

@ReanimatedSGB
What a nasty post, the OP is neither of those things

OP, please ignore. There is nothing wrong with refusing to tolerate misogyny and abuse in your home, in fact it's a very good thing that you are shielding your children from it.

You can't make your DH see that his father is abusive, unfortunately. He has to get there in his own time (and perhaps never will). But I think he is more likely to listen when someone else says it (ie not you). The book should help, hopefully.

EvaHarknessRose · 17/01/2019 08:29

I agree with you OP - what I would observe is that you have stated your feelings and boundaries, your dh has sort of accepted your feelings although they upset him, and to some extent your boundaries (that you will leave if fil arrives). So I would not argue further now, just model good boundaries against abusive behaviour.

BlancheM · 17/01/2019 09:16

Reanimated it's more than that, the FIL is abusive to his own son and even asked about whether his DIL gave him a blow job. That is sickening, the DC need protecting from him, OP's DH is unfortunately biased because you can't help who your parents are but that doesn't mean their behaviour isn't dysfunctional and unacceptable.

Original poster

CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 10:29

He is biased and did this morning admit he's biased. I'm really upset about this. We can't seem to agree

OP posts:

Limpshade · 17/01/2019 10:35

Of course he's biased. It's his dad. You both have valid arguments.

Original poster

CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 10:38

The problem is he won't accept any compromise. His dad doesn't "do" outdoor places. The only acceptable place to host him is the house according to him. Which is so unacceptable to me.

I do understand this is hard for DH and I don't want him to feel I'm getting at him. I think sometimes instead of getting angry with his dads actions he blames me for pointing out his dad's behaviour

OP posts:

Silentlyhappy · 17/01/2019 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paintinmyhairAgain · 17/01/2019 10:44

not sure i could stay married to someone who hasn't got my back 100% tbh,

ExFury · 17/01/2019 10:47

Can you try and think about how you’d deal with it if Fred was physically abusive... We’re generally quite accepting that it takes people a while to see physical abuse for what it is. We know it takes a number of attempts to walk away. We know that abusers are clever and know how to isolate people.

Your DH is the victim of this from his Dad.

Please read the books that have been suggested before you go down the route of ultimatums or big gestures. Your DH needs your help through that process.

Subtle changes will have the same effect without causing the conflict that your DH is facing with a blanket ban. So yes Fred can come around at 3, but the children have a party/swimming/prior arrangement at 4. Yes Fred can come around but I’m working on something/cooking dinner so I’ll be in the kitchen most of the time.

Push back gently and a little at a time and your DH is far more likely to be able to join you.

Confusedbeetle · 17/01/2019 10:50

You may not feel able to challenge Fred directly. I don't know how strong your voice is. The children are your priority and I guess you have had this cinc=versation with OH. Use this opportunity to have conversations with your daughter about what is acceptable and she can see how disrespectful he is

Original poster

CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 10:51

I feel so upset that DH has had to put up with this!

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 17/01/2019 11:01

It can take years to accept that our parents are abusive. You only need to read some of the threads on here from posters stuck in that difficult place to realise that. Your DH is still still unable to see past the FOG, that is, Fear, Obligation and Guilt. You won't get him out of it by banning 'Fred' (FIL) from your house.

My F was abusive in all sorts of ways (including SA), but it took me until about 15 years after his death to acknowledge that to myself.

My DB has MH issues and I used to think I was obligated to look out for him by having him to stay sometimes. (My DM fed this sense of obligation by guilt tripping me.) He used to shout at our DDs, bump into them then blame them for being in the way, break all sorts of things in the house.

Then one day, we ran into him at DM's church and I saw DD1 shying away from him and I realised that she was afraid of him and that woke me up.

If my DH had tried to ban me from allowing him into our home, I wouldn't have taken it well at all. I had to learn that for myself and accept that he wasn't my responsibility to 'fix'; my only responsibility was to my DDs.

Original poster

CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 11:05

Lizzie Sorry to hear your father was abusive. I see first-hand how much DH is hurt by it despite his protests.

OP posts:

Spaghettijumper · 17/01/2019 11:11

God this is a tough situation, I really feel for you.

One thing to bear in mind is that you say your DH is 'too nice' and 'kind and sensitive,' which I'm sure is true, but that's not what's going on here. A 'too nice,' 'kind and sensitive' response to your wife being really upset is to do everything you can to make it better. That's not what your DH is doing - instead he's protecting his own feelings by staying in denial and expecting you to put up with that.

The tough bit is the fact that it's horrible abuse that's making him behave that way. So you understand and are very sympathetic about the way the he's behaving.

Part of loving someone is understanding their damage and being supportive but there is only so much fall out you should put up with before you draw a line. Where you draw the line is a very hard decision to make.

One thing to put to him is that his father abused him and now he's abusing you and by proxy, your children. Your DH unfortunately had no one to protect him, but he can and should protect you and his children, he should be the protector he never had. If he's really in denial that may mean nothing to him - he has to first acknowledge the effect the abuse had on him and find the anger he should feel, which is really hard.

LouiseCollins28 · 17/01/2019 11:14

So.... based on your update, what you are actually trying to do by "banning" this person, who I now understand is your FIL is to prevent your DH seeing his own father in his own home? Whatever his views are, that's too draconian IMO.

Why not just take yourself away when he visits and leave DH to it?

Original poster

CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 11:18

Whatever his views are, that's too draconian IMO.

He makes me feel very uncomfortable because of his views on women and abuse of DH. Would a gay person be expected to tolerate a homophobe? My house is my safety net from the outside and I don't want to invite negative people in.

OP posts:

LouiseCollins28 · 17/01/2019 11:25

Oh maybe I've misunderstood, I thought DH got on with him and wanted him to be able to be there? I completely get why you might not want to be there and put up with FILs views if you find them opposed to your own.

Original poster

CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 11:27

Another cracker from him was he once offered my DH a thousand pounds if he gave him my number. He knew I didn't want him to have it and that DH didn't want to give it. He also knew at that time we were struggling financially.

He told DH he would give him £1,000 for my number and that "all you have to do for all that money is just send her number to me. How much do you need it?"

I was furious. And no DH didn't give him my phone number.

OP posts:

Original poster

CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 11:28

Oh maybe I've misunderstood, I thought DH got on with him and wanted him to be able to be there?
He wants him there but he also is abusive to DH, constantly insulting him and putting him down. DH just takes it, probably because that's how he always treats him.

OP posts:

Lizzie48 · 17/01/2019 11:33

Thank you, @CoolCucumber88

There's always the tendency to minimise. My DM developed this to a fine art where our F was concerned. She didn't know about the SA, I do believe that (DSis and I repressed the memories as well), but she knew that he smacked us too hard, and she suffered EA and his controlling behaviour. He was deeply misogynistic as well, he used to say that a woman's adultery was worse than a man's adultery, though he could never say why.

He was from a different cultural background (Eastern European) and he had Parkinson's Disease, so a lot was blamed on his medication or his illness. Now I understand that he was always abusive, he just happened to be ill as well.

Thankfully for DH and me, my F is dead so we're not faced with your dilemma.

I think your DH should consider going through therapy to deal with his difficult childhood. But even then it will be a painful process.

ExFury · 17/01/2019 11:36

This is a great idea. I'm usually a very black and white person however you are right in that that will probably not help DH.

I feel so upset that DH has had to put up with this!

My husband despised my father. He was absolutely baffled at my brief decision to have a relationship with him (he was a cruel violent alcoholic), but he was told by my counsellor I had to realise for myself who he really was. And the counsellor was right. I did. And I did realise it, with the subtle help of DH (& others).

Original poster

CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 11:37

Lizzie DH sometimes excuses it by saying it's cultural background too, however I know plenty of people from the same background who are kind and caring.

I've suggested that before but he hates talking about his feelings, he will talk to me about them but only sometimes. I only know bits of what happened but the bits I know sound horrible. By contrast I had an idyllic childhood and a relatively wealthy family who couldn't do enough for me. They love DH but sometimes I feel as if their existence sticks the knife in about Fred as it just highlights how horrible he has been.

OP posts:

ExFury · 17/01/2019 11:38

And no DH didn't give him my phone number.

And that’s massive. Saying no to his dad would have been a big thing. He did it and that shows when push comes to shove when his dad pushes too far he will stand up to him.

He just needs the time and support and patience to get more into the way of being able to do that.

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