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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want to ban a misogynist from my house.

110 replies

CoolCucumber88 · 16/01/2019 23:01

I've name changed for this as it may be outing. I have a relative by marriage who is, in my opinion, a misogynist. I don't mean he tells sexist jokes, I think he holds damaging beliefs about women as demonstrated by:

Flirting with a young woman less than half his age he has never met on Facebook, sending her unwanted messages, commenting on her photos and then writing posts about her being a "stupid bitch" when she blocked him and that he thought she was desperate.

Commenting on women's appearances in a negative way when it isn't needed, such as calling women "fat bitches" when they dare be overweight in his presence. These women haven't even spoken to him he will just point one out and tell us how "fat and ugly" she is.

Horrible treatment of his now ex wife when they were married such as lying about saying he was at work when he was really flirting with women.

He has also in the past made sexually inappropriate comments about me to my DH. DH however tolerates "Fred" for the sake of family peace and thinks I should too. His reasoning is he rarely comes over to see us and he doesn't actually mean what he says and while it's unacceptable, he's from a different time and we should just humour him and wait for him to go away.

I do not want to tolerate Fred in my own home. I do not see why I should have to be around someone who makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to hear his comments or humour his opinions.

DH agrees with me they're unacceptable but thinks me saying he can never visit is too far and it's unfair as he hasn't said anyone from my family can't come over. Which is true but no one in my family acts like this and if they did I'd be saying the same thing. I've offered to see Fred with DH in a restaurant, coffee shop or other open space but DH doesn't see why I should be able to veto someone from the house.

I'm not in the wrong here to not want this gross behaviour in my home am I?

OP posts:
buttons101 · 17/01/2019 00:08

Wow.. there is something very wrong with "Fred".

Ultimately you need to get your DH to back you up on this one. He already agrees with you, so it's a case of him saying to Fred that his behaviour isn't acceptable and certainly isn't welcome in your home.

YANBU, I wouldn't want him in my home either!

penelopepig · 17/01/2019 00:10

YANBU. He sounds like an utter cock, I wouldn't want him anywhere near my home, that is your space and you choose who goes in.

Lizzie48 · 17/01/2019 00:11

YANBU, definitely. You shouldn't feel that you have to tolerate such behaviour in your own home, and your DH shouldn't expect you to. By his actions he's condoning his relative's misogynistic behaviour whatever he might say about agreeing that it's unacceptable. Hmm

Original poster
CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 00:13

I did offer to go out and take the kids whenever Fred comes round too but apparently that's not acceptable either as it will look off if I repeatedly do it and Fred wants to see the kids.

He has agreed to not let him into the home but is still insisting I'm being completely unreasonable.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 17/01/2019 00:14

I'm a bit mystified by your not wanting the odious Fred in your house but being prepared to meet with him slsewhere. I wouldn't go anywhere near him.

Original poster
CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 00:17

Bluelady Because family loyalty is important to my DH and out of love for him, I will meet him half way and tolerate the fuckwit over a very strong coffee or vodka.

What I wont do is smile sweetly and offer him tea while he berates women and objectifies me in my own house. I'll be polite in public but fuck will I there.

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 17/01/2019 00:19

Ok so if your H isn't backing you up if personally try a different tactic.

Which is next visit to call "Fred" up on every misogynistic comment.

Be blunt. Make him and your H uncomfortable. Pull no punches and don't be afraid to seem "rude" (because Fred clearly doesn't mind being rude and obnoxious in your home).

Frankly it shouldn't be necessary as your DH should back you in this but if he won't then I'd make very clear that I'm not going to play "hostess with the mostess" and make visiting a comfortable experience for either of them (and that obviously includes any prep for such a visit such as participating in shopping/cooking/cleaning etc).

Legumewaffle · 17/01/2019 00:20

I said it's the principle, people shouldn't have to have people in their homes who are prejudiced just because they are family.

Exactly. It's the principle.
Like pp said you sound like an awesome role model for you daughter. I hope your DH wises up and supports you.

Original poster
CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 00:26

DeRigeur I like this idea a lot. I am quite outspoken so I'd quite enjoy making Fred as uncomfortable as he makes me.

Legume Thank you very much. I'm determined to teach my kids to be engaging, kind and principled individuals. I don't want any of them thinking this nonsense is okay.

OP posts:
SaturdayNext · 17/01/2019 00:28

I said this exact thing. He said it's different as we have no close family who express racist views.

I just don't understand your husband's thinking processes. Surely it's obvious that if he is prepared to ban a family member who holds racist views, even hypothetically, then he should be prepared to ban a actual relative who holds misogynist views? Or does he somehow think the racism is worse than sexism?

SaturdayNext · 17/01/2019 00:30

To be honest, in your shoes I wouldn't hold back when meeting him in public. I don't mean you should make a scene, but every time he says something misogynist you could smile sweetly and say something like "Goodness, didn't you know those dinosaur views went out with the Ark?" or the classic "Did you mean to be so rude?"

Original poster
CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 00:31

Saturday I don't think he's being logical. I think he's being clouded by cultural beliefs on family. Family is important but that doesn't, or shouldn't, mean tolerating abuse from someone just because they are family.

DH is quite a sensitive, kind man and hates confrontation and if he can "make do" with something instead of having an argument, he will. I'm the opposite and think it's important to stand up for yourself and others even when it's uncomfortable or against someone you care about. So we're at a standstill.

OP posts:
gluteustothemaximus · 17/01/2019 00:41

Fred can fuck off.

Bollucks to allowing that behaviour in your home.

Sarcelle · 17/01/2019 00:41

I wouldn't see him wherever the location. Fred is a twat. Your DH is an enabler which makes him a bit of a twat too.

Original poster
CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 00:46

DH has his own reasons for why he tolerates Fred, I didn't put it in the OP as I didn't want it to be too outing but the thread probably doesn't mske sense without it. Fred is his dad. He hates his behaviour but feels deep down he is a good person.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/01/2019 00:47

Why would you want to see him anywhere? Confused

Original poster
CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 00:49

Fred was also never there for DH as a child and I feel DH now as an adult tries desperately to have a relationship with him. I've told DH he deserved better and should just ignore Fred as he has done horrid things to DH that would be considered gross neglect nowadays. But DH refuses to accept he is an arsehole and tries to justify why Fred treated him like that. It upsets me as DH really didn't deserve that treatment.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/01/2019 00:49

X posted but I'm confused now

You said you name changed for this so how could adding the all important fact he's your FIL, be 'too outing'?

Original poster
CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 00:50

You said you name changed for this so how could adding the all important fact he's your FIL, be 'too outing'?

I don't want family or friends seeing the thread and recognising it's me.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 00:52

They wouldn't know my original username but I don't want Fred to find out I posted this because he will have a go at DH about it and then DH will get upset. Not with me but he will once again be on the receiving end of Freds nonsense and it hurts him.

OP posts:
LaurelAndMardy · 17/01/2019 01:06

I was going to ask what are the positive aspects to the relationship with Fred, what do they talk about the rest of the time to try and understand why it’s worth seeing him. But now I see it’s your FIL. Maybe the same questions apply, I don’t know.

Original poster
CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 01:09

There aren't really any. He's kind enough at times and attempts to be nice but I can't get past the misogyny. DH just insists on trying to see Fred as the person he wants him to be.

OP posts:
lborgia · 17/01/2019 01:18

"Fred can fuck off" Grin

I have blocked one of dh's friends because he always adds "what about menz" comments to everything on my feed from DV charities etc, and it doesn't work to call him out. He visits about once a year and I'm dreading the next time because I'll be telling dh hell no he can't visit, let alone stay and spend time around my boys. He can go to the pub with him. DH will think I'm overreacting but realise that I'm not changing my mind. That's never fun.

ExFury · 17/01/2019 01:21

The fact he’s your FIL changes the bafflement about your DH’s wish to still see him for me. It’s incredibly difficult to walk away from your parent as when you do you are walking away from both the parent they are and the parent the tiny part of you always hopes they’ll be.
It’s a very different scenario to Great Uncle Bob or cousin Mary twice removed.

Your DH isn’t ready to give up on the only Dad he’s got.

Original poster
CoolCucumber88 · 17/01/2019 01:27

It’s incredibly difficult to walk away from your parent as when you do you are walking away from both the parent they are and the parent the tiny part of you always hopes they’ll be.

This is the issue for DH I think. I once witnessed an argument where he told his dad about all the help my dad has provided us over the years both financial and emotional and ended it with "why can't you be like that?!". I think he knows Fred is a shitty guy but doesn't want to accept it. Which is why I'll tolerate him in public for DH but I absolutely do not want him in my house or by the DC

OP posts: