I feel like I don't belong and embarrassed myself

[WobbleBottomBum]

I've been at my new job for a month. There was a company drinks thing last night. I was dressed quite smart, but my eyes were red from being exhausted (insomnia from worry about work). Everyone there seemed to be a posh man. I'm a council estate single mum who was working in a call centre before this. I can do the work but I felt like an idiot.

I had nothing intelligent to say, my voice was too soft, I was standing around awkwardly and left after 20 minutes.

I've joined toastmasters to help with presentations and public speaking but I felt like I was from another planet. I didn't belong here. I feel so embarrassed and don't know what to do. I had a booked day off anyway today but I don't know how to face the office tomorrow.

I feel like they will be saying 'see, that's why you weren't able to get a job all these years! You're just here to be a token.'

😥

What do I do next?

Don't be so hard on yourself I find it takes at least six weeks to start to feel settled in a new job. It sounds like you may have social anxiety? (I've had it for years so I totally understand how you feel) Perhaps start looking up some self-help techniques to help you work on your negative thoughts. I promise you it does get better

You still haven’t been there long, don’t be hard on yourself - and from your description you didn’t embarrass yourself at all.

Is there a colleague you get on well with you can stick to for events like this? That might help until you feel a bit more comfortable there.

Thanks :-)

Can you suggest any resources?

Hey, you bloody turned up!!!!! Yay!!! Some might have not even been able to turn up.

I used to find it horrendous walking into a room full of people. Worried they'd all look at me, see me on my own etc.

Then I realised - funnily enough, after becoming a single mum myself - that no one in the world gives a flying fuck about you, they're too busy focusing on themselves.

So I now walk in, get a drink (enjoy the free drinks!), enjoy the adult time, maybe go up to a random bunch of people and say something 'hello' and you'll be surprised 😱 people can be quite welcoming if you do that.

In essence, the likelihood is - and I speak from experience here don't forget! - as a single mum you're doing fucking amazingly to be juggling work, kids, finances, school blah blah. A stupid ducking room full of posh men is fucking irrelevant! NEXT!!!

Good luck!

@ sparklesocks

Here's an example

Me: awkwardly sidling up
"Hi I'm Jane."
Silence . Silence.
They look at each other.

I'm ~Name I can't hear~
I'm Tarquinius Superbus,
I'm your bosses boss
We are posh, we are talking about fancy clever things, yes, I've reinvented Pythagoras theory

Me: brrrr it's cold today

Silence. Silence.

Me: I'm just getting a drink ...

Is there anyone there you can get friendly with, tackle one at a time?

It's a bit scary but you need to buckle on your brave face, you'll get there you got the job, you've done it, it's just settling in now

What job is it? Are they all university grads? Are you? Try to find some common ground

Don't leave or give up, you'll regret it - good luck

 how socially inept are your bosses?! It says a lot about them that they can't make a conversation with you. It's not just about you! They should be able to converse with you too.

You have as much right to be there as them.
You need to fake it till you make it.

Go op!

I still don’t think it sounds too bad - tbh they sound a bit rude, you introduced yourself and they didn’t really give you much to work with especially as you’re new! Maybe they are friends and weren’t up to networking - but still should’ve made small talk at least.

I'm not a single mum now but I was for many years. They are graduates, but I went to a shitty uni many moons ago.

Don’t let these people get the better of you, you said you can do the job. Social do’s like this are hell and I just hang about in the edge, Mike a few half assed attempts st conversations, then disappear. It’s easier if you are ‘friends’ with someone there.
If they ignored you they sound like graceless twats though, go into work and hold your head up high!

Can you even tell what that says with all my typos 🙄?? 😂

I guess I'm just feeling imposter syndrome.

I'll just do my best and try to fake it till I make it.

You are awesome and dont forget it. Fuck them. You turned up and stayed 20 minutes even though you felt out of place and it sounds like a pretty intimidating situation. They may be 'posh' but they are RUDE to be so dismissive and not be friendly.
Push on through. Fake it till you make it. Dont let the old school boy network beat you. Fuck them.

Thanks cheerbear, receiving you loud and clear.

What everyone else said (and I am also thinking how rude of them not to be welcoming to the new person) plus ask questions - esp to people like your new colleagues; they will love talking about themselves. You will then only to have to practise your interested face and nodding.

Are you still doing toastmaster? My dad does it and really enjoys it and has made some great friends through it. He tried a couple of groups and much preferred his current one because it’s got a good mix of sexes, ages etc not just older men. So I would encourage you to do that!

But I can guarantee that you are giving far more thought to what your colleagues think of you than they are! They might have had a passing thought of “Wobble was a bit quiet” but I promise you that it’s a far bigger concern to you than it would be to them.

Chances are that no one noticed, or just thought you were shy. And frankly if anyone thought ill of you or sneered about you, they're not the sort of person whose opinion you should care about. I know it's hard, but try to push on through.

@WobbleBottomBum I just wanted to say well done for going! I feel the same at this sort of thing and dread it, nobody seems friendly or willing to make an effort and it's awkward.

They might have asked where you were and wondered about it if you didn't go but you did, you looked smart and appeared confident by approaching people. I honestly think you will be absolutely fine and be secretly glad you didn't have to endure the 'I'm so clever' chat for very long!

Practical advice that I have had which works ok:

• state a fact or two, which can include statement of how you feel: "Hi, I'm Jane. I'm new to Widget Co - it's quite daunting to be the new one!"
• aim to find out something about the other person: which office do they work in, have they been here before, been with company a long time, do they travel much in their role, what project are they on at the moment, is this a busy time of year for them etc. (maybe not all the questions at once...) People like to talk about themselves.

They sound horrible!
I am (even if I say so myself) always overly welcoming to the new person - will go for lunch, walk into drinks with them etc for the exact reasons you have posted - I would never want anyone to feel this way.

They sound mean to not have a proper conversation with you!
Are there any other women or people that you could maybe make friends with?

Manners don't cost a thing - no matter where people have come from, which uni they attended or what social placing they themselves say they have.

I would go back to work and hold your head up high. Your doing brilliantly at you job even though you're still fairly new - keep ploughing on

Awww OP I just wanted to offer some You've had great advice from the others, but I'm just here to tell you that I've been there, too. As long as you are doing your work, keep your head held high and endure these events as well as you can. I HATE work things like this!

They sound pretty rude and as someone else said socially inept if they made you feel awkward when you were making an effort to break the ice. You haven’t got anything to be embarrassed about.

There are a few services set up now to help women back into the workforce who have been on a career break (e.g. mat leave, child care for 5 years, caring, etc)

I know you're not a returner exactly, but do some googling of 'women returners' and see what advice you can find on their websites for confidence building etc - here's one for starters:

wrpn.womenreturners.com/advice/

And don't beat yourself up - i'm not from a council estate and not massively lacking in confidence, but I still feel like fraud when put in a group of businessmen :-)

OP you did well- being new & nervous you choose the best route, show up, be polite & go- imagine the alternative- getting quickly drunk & rowdy. Look up done quick conversation starters & how to do chit chat - you are going to be great!!!

Shame on them, elitist arseholes.