I feel like I don't belong and embarrassed myself

[WobbleBottomBum]

I've been at my new job for a month. There was a company drinks thing last night. I was dressed quite smart, but my eyes were red from being exhausted (insomnia from worry about work). Everyone there seemed to be a posh man. I'm a council estate single mum who was working in a call centre before this. I can do the work but I felt like an idiot.

I had nothing intelligent to say, my voice was too soft, I was standing around awkwardly and left after 20 minutes.

I've joined toastmasters to help with presentations and public speaking but I felt like I was from another planet. I didn't belong here. I feel so embarrassed and don't know what to do. I had a booked day off anyway today but I don't know how to face the office tomorrow.

I feel like they will be saying 'see, that's why you weren't able to get a job all these years! You're just here to be a token.'

😥

What do I do next?

Don’t be silly! You’re new! It took me a year (yes a year!) to feel comfortable in my job and be able to hold my own. I think it takes time. Chances are they haven’t even noticed, it’s their fault anyway for not being welcoming enough. They sound rude, stuck up and a bit boring tbh.

Keep going and one day it will just click. You may not have much in common but you will have settled in enough for them to just accept you.

If your aim is to feel more accepted assuming you're willing to get bored to tears from time to time then you could try this: ask them a question. If you can guess what they are interested in, ask about that. People like to talk about themselves, especially "posh men". If you can get them talking about themselves then they will find you to be an excellent conversationalist.

They were simply rude! rise above.

And by the way, if you can do the work, then that means you do belong there, so long as you also want to be there.

You are who you tell yourself you are, and your actions and behaviours grow from this which make your thoughts and fears reality.

You are you as an adult in the present, leave your past where it is - no one knows who you are or where you've been. To them you are a colleague who helped write the speeches, people will be too busy analysing how they were at the party.

Rewrite your script. You are who you tell yourself you are. Trust in your own you, the rest will follow

Personally i’d avoid going up to speak to your boss’s boss, that’s pretty senior. I aim for people on my own level at events like this. Going up and introducing yourself was a good approach though.

Don’t get into the mind set of thinking they’re all horrible, it’s not going to help you. You may have accidentally interrupted a conversation of senior colleagues who were mid discussion.

Shrug it off as a bit awkward and get back to it, there’s no harm done.

What is toastmaster? I know what an actual toastmaster is but don't understand the group thing.

You sound like good company btw, “Tarquinius Superbus”

I'm late 50s, senior in my profession and don't cope well with situations like this. Your colleagues sound really rude and you are lovely. Can you just not go?

Top tip for loners at social events - don't approach the close-knit established groups that look a bit stuck up. Seek out the other stragglers. They'll be skirting around trying to hide in the corners just like you are. Round 'em up and make them your tribe.

Be so dazzlingly charming (fake it until you make it if you have to) that the groups of rude dickheads want to approach you, not the other way around.
And don't let the dickheads make you think that you are the problem. It's totally them.

It’s not you it’s them. Don’t be put off by their rude shenanigans. You sound like you are taking positive steps re Toastmasters. You are just as worthy ( if not more ) as any of these other folks - you keep on keeping on. You are also doing this for those who will follow in your footsteps as much as yourself - go get ‘em tiger.

I’m pretty similar and worse after several years out of work with the kids.

I’d say the womenreturners type stuff is only for women who were higher level professionals. Sadly there’s no support if you had kids younger or were more junior in your career. I’ve been looking at confidence courses/coaching etc and it’s hard to find the right level (and price). Although I’m two years in now and it feels better. I ended up going home instead of going to the Xmas party, I didn’t even try so you’ve done better than me and I was promoted since!

Worry not, OP. They won't.

I once went to a fancy opening of something; I was invited. Press, dignitaries etc. I went right after work so looked ok but tired. Nobody was polite enough to even say hello, I couldn't get hold of a drink and I left after 10 mins. I have ASD so not amazing at large crowd-y things, but still. Fuck them all! Now, the worst thing I remember is how much the bloody car park cost.

Christ, I thought you were going to say that you got steaming drunk and slagged off the boss, then flashed your knickers and got off with a waiter or something!

When in fact you showed up, spoke to a few people and then went home! Sounds like you behaved in an exemplary fashion.

I've been at my current job for seven months and still feel like "the new girl" at times and find social events awkward - don't worry that you haven't made a billion friends and fitted right in.

You sound really down on yourself - you went to uni but it wasn't a "good enough" one, you were a single mother and people are still judging you for that, you don't deserve your job and you only got the role out of "charity", etc. It does sound like classic imposter syndrome.

Thanks all.

@sheldon there are two types of 'toastmaster' the red jacket wedding type organisers and toastmasters which are an international group which help people with speaking. Conversation, public speaking, presentations etc. I can't recommend it highly enough.

It's a huge organisation and I didn't know who everyone was and did not purposely go to my great grandboss.

I am catstrophising a bit. I had one nice conversation sort of and I think some people were not feeling chatty and may have appeared ruder than they intended.

Christ, I thought you were going to say that you got steaming drunk and slagged off the boss, then flashed your knickers and got off with a waiter or something!

Haha!!

You got the job so you have demonstrated you can do the work. As for the colleagues, well....they seem quite inept socially if they can't make a newcomer feel welcome. Don't you be taking the blame here! You know what..I realky admire you for turning up to the do. I couldn't and wouldn't have, so you're streets ahead there.

Stick it out. You'll end up teaching them a thing or two.

I actually disagree with this;

Personally i’d avoid going up to speak to your boss’s boss, that’s pretty senior.

Why not go and speak to anyone you bloody well like!!

You sound awesome. More fool Tarquinius for not making you feel more welcome :)

I'm positive you're thinking about this way more than they are, you'll be fine.

Echoing PPs- don’t be hard on yourself. Everyone is exhausted & stressed for the first few months of a new job (however well they hide it). Nothing is automatic - not just the actual work but trying to suss out everything from the photocopier to getting your head around who is who. Your poor brain is working overtime, on a steep learning curve.

This job may or may not end up being a good fit for you (and that’s for you to decide )...but you won’t really know for a good few months.

Be kind to yourself and try to get as much sleep as possible.

Why can't you lot be at my work :-)

Well done for going at all. I wouldn't have gone but would have then berated myself for not going. You are certainly in the right job. You just have to find your feet now and be yourself. You really should be congratulating yourself and feeling very proud of yourself. Embarrassment is not warranted.

You turned up. I'd probably have tried to get out of it. You have no reason to not have confidence in yourself. You know that you can do the job and you got the job because they thought you were the right person for the role.
Have a bit more to say about yourself and ask open questions.
So you might say 'Hello, I'm Jane Wobblebottom, the new CEO of Crapco, I don't believe we've met..'
Other person will respond with their details then you can ask more about why they are there and so on.
Ask questions that can't be answered with a Yes, No, Maybe or OK, or if you do, follow it up with an open question.
If you feel you're grilling someone say a bit about yourself or about something you have in common.
Wait until the other person talks about family and non-work stuff, and try to steer the conversation back to more work related stuff before you get bored witless about their home life.

Regardless of your uni, you’re a graduate too. I’ve been at my new job since September and still feel completely socially isolated. I’m not particularly bothered, but I have refused to go to any work socials. Too awkward!

Lol at “great grandboss”, I am totally stealing this.
And yes, why shouldn’t you speak to them?

I do agree with a pp about finding other stragglers, or getting chatting to people while you’re waiting to be served at the bar, it’s easier than trying to join an established conversation.
And yes to having a few questions to ask people, department/role, holidays, whatever.

The last time I had to socialise with a big group of people I didn’t know that well, I found out in advance who was likely to be there, picked 5 people who would be useful connections to make and thought of a question to ask them to get the conversation started; then if it was going well, asked them if there was anyone else that would be good to meet and got them to introduce me.

It’s hard work if you’re not used to “mingling” and all the chit chat so I find I have to plan ahead!