I feel like I don't belong and embarrassed myself

[WobbleBottomBum]

I've been at my new job for a month. There was a company drinks thing last night. I was dressed quite smart, but my eyes were red from being exhausted (insomnia from worry about work). Everyone there seemed to be a posh man. I'm a council estate single mum who was working in a call centre before this. I can do the work but I felt like an idiot.

I had nothing intelligent to say, my voice was too soft, I was standing around awkwardly and left after 20 minutes.

I've joined toastmasters to help with presentations and public speaking but I felt like I was from another planet. I didn't belong here. I feel so embarrassed and don't know what to do. I had a booked day off anyway today but I don't know how to face the office tomorrow.

I feel like they will be saying 'see, that's why you weren't able to get a job all these years! You're just here to be a token.'

😥

What do I do next?

ask questions and get them to talk about themselves. People like this love to talk about themselves. wear subtle ear plugs so you don't die of boredom.

My advice would be - don't compete. Own who you are. I'd say "Pythagoras's theorem? Gosh that seems like a long time ago to me!

I suspect you overestimate both their actual confidence levels and the deliberateness of their rudeness.

I would not be at all surprised if a good number of them are thinking Fuck, fuck, fuck, I can't believe I couldn't think of anything to say to that new woman. I just stared at her like a lemon. I am normally so smooth but I froze. I bet she thinks I'm a stuck up dick. Christ what am I going to say to her on Monday.

They will most likely be scared of you. Female. Working class. Yet made it in their world. Must be competent. Won't take any shit. Normal schmoozing tricks won't work on you. You'll see right through them and see them for the imposters they are (in their own heads, same as you).

Fear and social confusion on their part is more likely than uppity sneering.

Op I once went to a professional event dubbed “Halloween drinks” in a full on witches outfit complete with green face. Everyone else came straight from work in suits. Not saying it was the reason I moved jobs and indeed cities but was a factor.

These people haven't told you that they are 'better' than you, you have convinced yourself that this must be the case because they act with confidence and you are full of self-doubt. Everyone, regardless of how many Audis they own or how many old boy's clubs they belong to, doubts themselves sometimes and feels like a fraud. They might be snobs or they might be just as insecure as you are, but they're loud enough that no one would guess. I wouldn't be surprised if Toastmasters teaches you something about feigning confidence, or if not, try reading Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. Fake it til you make it.

If your boss can see the potential in you enough to hire you, maybe it would help to ask yourself what the hiring committee saw in you. Or try to look at yourself through your children's eyes. Treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend.

Maybe your first step is changing your username! Don't be so hard on yourself x

Your post makes me feel very upset for you. I feel like your colleagues must be very rude.

I have a mid level management role in my office so there are lots of managers more senior than me but a number of levels below my level. I also have a good university education. However I still suffer from massive social anxiety, and often feel like I don't "fit in" with these types of people either - think Bridget Jones when she had to do public speaking. I do think people could and should make more effort but a lot of people are actually very socially inept in the sense they can't include people or make conversations with them! If it were me and you were the newbie I would have taken the steps to try to get to know YOU!

You need to put this into perspective. You said NOTHING wrong, you DID nothing wrong. You went to a works do, politely introduced yourself to some people, conducted yourself impeccably, and left leaving a good impression.

be realistic, what's the worse they COULD think about you? "That awful woman said HELLO to me at a party, how odd"??

Nah, you're fine.

You shouldn't try and act like one of them at all. You bring something unique which is presumably why you were hired. Seems like all you need is a little more self confidence.

I empathise. I often feel like this! Try social anxiety self help book called how to be yourself

Then I realised - funnily enough, after becoming a single mum myself - that no one in the world gives a flying fuck about you, they're too busy focusing on themselves.

This.

Definitely sounds like imposter syndrome. And it’s very likely some of them have it too. Most people do at some point.

It sounds like the sort of situation I hate, so you have my sympathies. I have to go to lots of events and networking stuff for work, and I found the book "How to talk to anyone" by Leil Lowndes really useful. It has lots of practical tips for coming up with things to say and how to break into groups of people. I'd recommend it to anyone who feels a bit anxious at social events. It's given me more confidence.

I completely understand. I have had similar. Working at the BBC, my department was as yours is, full of posh men.

Tarquin Superbus was in fact what they were all called!

BE YOURSELF.

Your past is yours...wear it like a crown.

If you can get them talking about themselves then they will find you to be an excellent conversationalist

This . "You reinvented Pythagoras' Theorem? That sounds fascinating. Do^ explain to me how you did it". Then your only challenge is to spend the next hour looking interested

Bizarre invasion of italics there.....

You will get your confidence in time.

People really like authentic people you don't need to change to fit in, just give them time to get to know you. They will have their own forms of impostor syndrome and cover it up in different ways.

Everyone looks the same when they're sat on the loo just remember that when you meet someone pompous!

Another vote for imposter syndrome. They all know each other and are edging for position and more focussed on each other (probably as threats) than you. You have done nothing wrong.
Settle into the job first and you will find allies along the way. That book from Raspberrylipbalm sounds good if you really feel like you need to learn how to make headway with them, but acknowledge also that they didn't make the effort with you.

Wearywithteens - this is brilliant OP, forget whatever I said

You do realise that as you know who Tarquinius Superbus actually was, you're just as clever as they are?

The issue is all in your head- you need to believe in yourself!

I don't think it's you that's the problem!

I think it helps to have an objective in mind- speak to 3 people/ find out more about x topic/ meet someone from y department- and once you have achieved this you can leave.
I also second the “ask people about themselves “ advice. It never fails. I think you can practice in advance.
Finally I think they were far more socially awkward than you. People in a senior role should be skilled at looking after new people, introducing them and including them in conversations.

I recommend a Brene Brown book, perhaps Gifts of Imperfection or Braving the Wilderness.

You do realise that as you know who Tarquinius Superbus actually was, you're just as clever as they are?

^^ What they said. I just had to Google it, because I assumed you were being funny in an Asterisk-sort of way. And I got a pretty good degree from a pretty good university, if I do say so myself

Big yourself up, OP. You went to the social drinks and mingled. That's right up there already. Then you cracked witty and intelligent jokes about it to a bunch of strangers over here. You're doing GREAT.

I’ve only just clicked on this thread, as I don’t often read ones where someone says they have embarrassed themselves in the title in case it’s awful what I got from it -

• you most definitely didn’t embarrass yourself. You tried it, you made conversation and you left. It can be very hard to walk in someone new by yourself yet you did it.
• you have a warm good humoured style of writing, I laughed at your conversation example.
• you are trying new things like toastmasters and open to new ideas and feedback.

Plus you’ve only been there a month, a new job, the culture within the team and new colleagues is a lot to deal with at the beginning. Be kind to yourself