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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

exDP is moving back in with his parents

85 replies

Floopyandtired · 16/01/2019 16:53

DP and I have amicably separated. I am staying in the house with DS and he is moving out. My issue is that he has announced he is moving back in with his parents (5 mins down the road), not temporarily until he finds his own place, but permanently. He has no plans to find a place of his own. They live in a nice 3 bed family home, but DP’s brother also lives there, so there would be no room for DS. He would have to share with his dad.

DP’s parents have very different ideas about parenting and I don’t see eye to eye with them. A few examples: a couple of months ago MIL tried to give DS a hot cup of tea to “help his throat” and he was seconds away from being badly burnt. DP grew up with unlimited sweets/screen time/fizzy drinks etc. I also worry that PIL would be unkind about me in front of DS (although DP and I are amicable his family is very bitter about our split) and I don’t want DS exposed to that. DP does not have the balls to stand up to them.

AIBU to think I can refuse to let DS do overnight visits while DP is living with his parents? Can I insist he gets his own place? There’s no financial reason he couldn’t, he has a good job etc. He is just lazy and his mum waits on him hand on foot so he doesn’t want to give up that cushty life.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 16/01/2019 16:57

How old is dc? Can spare bed be fitted in bedroom or one of those bunk bed type beds?

Living with his parents isn't a reason to stop access. Not having suitable place for dc to sleep is

Original poster
Floopyandtired · 16/01/2019 16:58

Sorry - DS is 14 months. DP’s bedroom is really small and you could barely squeeze a double bed in there so I doubt there would be room for any other bed in there.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 16/01/2019 16:58

You can’t refuse to let your son see his dad overnight for those reasons! And you have no influence on where your ex lives.

I would rather me ex lived with family than a flat share with strangers or a flatmate, to be honest.

snurguzelly · 16/01/2019 17:01

"AIBU to think I can refuse to let DS do overnight visits while DP is living with his parents?"

Yes.

Why begin that stupid 'game'?

"Can I insist he gets his own place?"

Of course you fucking can't.

I can see why he left you.

Bluelady · 16/01/2019 17:02

When you separate you lose control.

Loopytiles · 16/01/2019 17:03

YABU. Doubt the situations you outline would be sufficient grounds to affect a court’s decision on DC.

Original poster
Floopyandtired · 16/01/2019 17:03

My concern is over the sleeping arrangement and the environment he will be exposed to for however many days a month. I am within my rights to be concerned and ask the question. This is my first time ever going through something like this.

He didn’t leave me Smile all the best x

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 16/01/2019 17:04

Concern isn’t U, but witholding overnight contact would be.

Nicknacky · 16/01/2019 17:05

But he will see his grandparents even if he is staying overnight. You can’t control what they say (if anything, and your child is still a baby)

Original poster
Floopyandtired · 16/01/2019 17:07

Withholding contact is not my end game. DP is a wonderful father. He would be welcome to see DS as much as he likes really. I just worry about DS either sleeping on the floor or on the sofa. DP says he’ll “figure it out” but can’t actually tell me how hence why I was wondering if I could refuse overnights until I get some reassurances.

OP posts:
Smilingthru · 16/01/2019 17:08

Yes. My DS and DN have a court order that states DN can only see DF in the community until he has moved out of the DGP home for the same reasons. Like I say court agreed x

Loopytiles · 16/01/2019 17:08

You could. But you would be U to do so and presumably your ex, as he’s a good father, would take you to court.

thethoughtfox · 16/01/2019 17:09

Try to reframe it in your mind: he will get spoiled at Grandma's. He will start to understand and thank you for your parenting when he is older.

Original poster
Floopyandtired · 16/01/2019 17:09

How can I drop off my son at a place I know he’s going to hear bad things about his mum. The thought kills me.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 16/01/2019 17:10

smiling No court is going to force a father to move under these circumstances.

Nicknacky · 16/01/2019 17:10

But you can’t stop him ever being with his grandparents!

Loopytiles · 16/01/2019 17:11

All you can do is talk to your ex - if he allows negative talk like that this could harm your DC psychologicallyZ

2isur2isubicurtis4me · 16/01/2019 17:12

You ex cold rent a room in a shared house and then spend every waking minute at his parents. You can not control this. When your son is with him then he is in charge.
If he fails to make suitable sleeping arrangements you could report to SS if you were very concerned but sharing a room would not fall into that. A travel cot would be okay.

Loopytiles · 16/01/2019 17:12

And it’s disingenous if you want to c parent to argue that he can “see” his DC but not have them overnight. Be honest that you have concerns about his parents and ask him to prioritise his DC over his parents.

Original poster
Floopyandtired · 16/01/2019 17:13

I know I can’t stop DS ever seeing his grandparents. But there’s a difference between him seeing them once a week/fortnight for a few hours and living with them half the time.

OP posts:
Cranky17 · 16/01/2019 17:13

What would be your preferred solution?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/01/2019 17:15

YABVU and a judge would not be in any way impressed with your reasons.

Nicknacky · 16/01/2019 17:15

Would you be happy to move in the future if your ex isn’t happy with your arrangements?

LagunaBubbles · 16/01/2019 17:16

Yabu. You can't stop his GPs seeing him, in fact when he is with his Dad you can't control what happens. If you are concerned you speak to him.

Original poster
Floopyandtired · 16/01/2019 17:16

My preferred solution would be he got his own place where DS has his own room. I would prefer if DP behaved like an adult instead of being an eternal teenager in his mind.

OP posts: