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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

exDP is moving back in with his parents

85 replies

Floopyandtired · 16/01/2019 16:53

DP and I have amicably separated. I am staying in the house with DS and he is moving out. My issue is that he has announced he is moving back in with his parents (5 mins down the road), not temporarily until he finds his own place, but permanently. He has no plans to find a place of his own. They live in a nice 3 bed family home, but DP’s brother also lives there, so there would be no room for DS. He would have to share with his dad.

DP’s parents have very different ideas about parenting and I don’t see eye to eye with them. A few examples: a couple of months ago MIL tried to give DS a hot cup of tea to “help his throat” and he was seconds away from being badly burnt. DP grew up with unlimited sweets/screen time/fizzy drinks etc. I also worry that PIL would be unkind about me in front of DS (although DP and I are amicable his family is very bitter about our split) and I don’t want DS exposed to that. DP does not have the balls to stand up to them.

AIBU to think I can refuse to let DS do overnight visits while DP is living with his parents? Can I insist he gets his own place? There’s no financial reason he couldn’t, he has a good job etc. He is just lazy and his mum waits on him hand on foot so he doesn’t want to give up that cushty life.

OP posts:
Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 16/01/2019 17:17

Why does he need to squeeze another bed in? If he has a double surely he will just co sleep with his son.
As to what his mum might say about you, well it hasn’t happened yet so only say something if and when it does.

Howdoyoudoit31 · 16/01/2019 17:19

No you can’t stop him.

Nicknacky · 16/01/2019 17:19

People move back in with parents frequently when they split up with a partner. It’s not an unusual situation.

Purplelion · 16/01/2019 17:20

You can’t stop him seeing his son! Concerns over screen time and food etc I’m
Sorry but you’ll have to get over that. Double bed means he can co sleep. Or take a travel cot?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/01/2019 17:23

How can I drop off my son at a place I know he’s going to hear bad things about his mum. The thought kills me.

You have no control over what they say about you. If they want to slag you off (and why would they?) they could say it in the street... In a shop... At soft play... wherever.

I think you're more worried about what they might say than the actual practicalities of him staying there. (Although why a grown man would choose to move back in with his parents full-time is another question but hey...)

Original poster
Floopyandtired · 16/01/2019 17:27

Thanks all. As I say I was asking the question in good faith having no idea how to deal with the minefield of seperation. I accept I am BU so thanks.

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 16/01/2019 17:28

Unfortunately unless your child is in immediate danger or being abused or neglected in some way, you have no say in how your dh chooses to parent.

SD1978 · 16/01/2019 17:29

Sorry- but yes, you're being unreasonable. If there are no safe guarding concerns, that's as far as you get to go with contact and time. There is no guarantee his parents will bad mouth you. Your son will be living in the same area, with no issues regarding having to miss time with friends when at school as friendships can be maintained due to close distance. They will work out enough space- they can share a room. How you ex chooses to live, unless it's emotionally detrimental to your son is no business or concern of yours, and sharing a room is not abuse, so not your business.

PolkaDoting · 16/01/2019 17:31

I would prefer if DP behaved like an adult instead of being an eternal teenager in his mind

Yeah, well if he wandered around behaving according to your preferences then he likely wouldn’t be your ex, would he?

Your DS can co sleep with his dad, or dad can sleep on floor/sofa.

You will do more harm by trying to stop this than you would by working with your ex to find ways he can counter or stop his parents negativity.

Oldraver · 16/01/2019 17:33

You have to let this go...you cannot control what happens with his Dad on his contact time (unless it borders on abuse)

He can sleep with his Dad until he is older,

BIWI · 16/01/2019 17:35

Why shouldn't he go to his parents though? (Genuine question). If my marriage had broken down, even if it was amicable, I might want the comfort of being with my family/parents for a while. And of course it will be saving him money - who wouldn't be sympathetic to that?

Sorry but YABVU. Your DS is very young, and he can quite easily share a bed with your DH or, as he says, 'he'll figure it out somehow'.

joanmcc · 16/01/2019 17:35

Withholding contact is not my end game

Indeed, it's your opening gambit, even worse.

Collypop · 16/01/2019 17:35

OP I actually see where you are coming from I wouldn't be keen on my mil getting that amount of unsupervised access to my dd as id worry about the over stepping of boundries she already does it now and it makes me really angry even though we actually get on. I'd be anxious if dh and i split and he moved back in with her.

jessstan2 · 16/01/2019 17:36

Stop worrying about it. Your little boy is still a baby so he can sleep with his dad for now and figure something else out later.

The alternative would be for your ex to spend time with his son either going out or at your house leaving you free to do your own thing (sleep if you want!), go out, sit in another room and read. He could cook while he is at yours too.

The boy is a bit young atm to be picking up negative vibes from grandparents but I do think your ex should tell his parents not to say anything about you in front of him and it's up to the child's dad to sort out what he eats, etc.

crimsonlake · 16/01/2019 17:37

Once you are living apart you have no control. Thank your lucky stars it is amicable at the moment, carry on like this and it will not be for long. Put negative thoughts out of your mind, do what is best for your child and yes of course your child can share his dad's bed. Perhaps you are looking for problems where there are none. Life as you knew it will always be different from now.

Charley50 · 16/01/2019 17:39

YABU and controlling.
Speak to your ex about challenging his parents if they badmouth you.
If your DS stays overnight frequently he will soon need a space of his own, even if it's a corner of his dad's room, with his own shelves and cupboard etc. Speak to ex about that.
On the bright side, DS will be surrounded by close family members, and ex will have more money to (hopefully) spend on him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/01/2019 17:41

Are you saying you intend to have your ds 50/50? Not ideal in these circumstances longer term as your ds will have no bedroom. Saying that dh slept in the living room until he was 9 when he got a room. Or are you saying your ex will get contact?

OutPinked · 16/01/2019 17:41

You do have to accept you no longer have control when you separate. It’s very difficult at first but you gradually get used to it. The important thing is your DC’s happiness. At 14 months of age he will be able to co-sleep with your ex quite comfortably and since it’s only one or two nights a week, it won’t be too bad. He also won’t have a clue what his grandparents are saying at this age but agree it needs to be nipped in the bud before he understands.

Since you and ex are so amicable discuss your worries with him.

Spunkymonkey2019 · 16/01/2019 17:42

Yes you are being unreasonable to insist this!

Exdp moved back with his mum and is still there. Why? Because he can’t afford a place on his wages. Well he could just about scrap it but that would mean giving me no money to help with ds (who’s now a teen and costs a fortune!) so why put himself in that position? His mum has 3 spare rooms so it makes sense. Everyone’s happy. Also means ds gets to see his grandmother and the rest of the family all the time too.

As it is my dp also lives with his mum after him and his wife divorced.

Come to think of it, several men I know have gone back home after a marriage or relationship breakdown, along with several women, some who also have children.
Renting is expensive, even for those with well paid jobs, by the time childcare etc is paid. It often takes time for people to save up deposits etc.
So it’s not to do with being an ‘eternal teen’ it’s about surviving and providing the best for children.

PotteringAlong · 16/01/2019 17:43

Lots of children who have parents who are not separated don’t have their own bedroom at 14 months old.

Wheresthebeach · 16/01/2019 17:43

You can't use sleeping arrangements as an excuse to keep your DS away from his grandparents because you are afraid they will say bad things about you.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 16/01/2019 17:43

While your DS is so young it is probably ok for him to share a room with his dad but obviously it would not be appropriate when he is older particularly if you have 50/50 custody.

You say you "worry" that GP's will be unkind about you in front of your DS but you also say you "know" this will happen in a following post - has this happened since you have been separated? If it hasn't then I would address the issue when it occurs but unless there is previous history of this behaviour it would be very difficult to address this as a genuine concern that "might" happen. If it has happened then clearly you would be reasonable to act to protect your DS.

In theory you ex probably views this current situation as a great idea but short term the reality of sharing a room with a toddler for 50% of his time may help change his mind! Long term I'm sure he will also want his own space if he has another relationship too.

For now maybe see how it works out in practice, if you go down the legal route and actually put these worries/accusations about his parents on paper things can often turn into very ugly and protracted battles. If things soured between you and your ex as a result of this it makes it very difficult to amicably co parent.

CanuckBC · 16/01/2019 17:44

I hear you. My kids are older and my exh is living with his mom. I know for fact he talks about me as does his family. If the kids bring anything up I just reinforce the truth with facts or ask the kids if that sounds like the truth. They learn pretty quickly who is the solid in things.

It does suck but you can’t change things. The fortunate thing is the courts look really down on parental alienation of it goes that far. It most likely won’t as it sounds like things are ok between you and your ex.

zippey · 16/01/2019 17:44

You child is small so can sleep with dad or in a cot just now Your ex may think about getting his own place a few years down the line, or maybe his DB will move out by then, just in time for the kid to get a bedroom.

Children will get spoiled at thier GP’s. AS long as there’s no abuse you can’t really stop them seeing him.

MsLexic · 16/01/2019 17:45

I guess he is paying maintenance and this is a good way of ensuring he can.His parents sound a bit backward?... that's what I am getting.
You need to talk to him about GP giving a baby boiling drinks and suchlike.

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