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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

exDP is moving back in with his parents

85 replies

Floopyandtired · 16/01/2019 16:53

DP and I have amicably separated. I am staying in the house with DS and he is moving out. My issue is that he has announced he is moving back in with his parents (5 mins down the road), not temporarily until he finds his own place, but permanently. He has no plans to find a place of his own. They live in a nice 3 bed family home, but DP’s brother also lives there, so there would be no room for DS. He would have to share with his dad.

DP’s parents have very different ideas about parenting and I don’t see eye to eye with them. A few examples: a couple of months ago MIL tried to give DS a hot cup of tea to “help his throat” and he was seconds away from being badly burnt. DP grew up with unlimited sweets/screen time/fizzy drinks etc. I also worry that PIL would be unkind about me in front of DS (although DP and I are amicable his family is very bitter about our split) and I don’t want DS exposed to that. DP does not have the balls to stand up to them.

AIBU to think I can refuse to let DS do overnight visits while DP is living with his parents? Can I insist he gets his own place? There’s no financial reason he couldn’t, he has a good job etc. He is just lazy and his mum waits on him hand on foot so he doesn’t want to give up that cushty life.

OP posts:

whatsthepointthen · 16/01/2019 17:49

Did someone really suggest reporting to SS over a 14 month old not having their own room 😂 my 20 month old is still in my bed and so are many children in their parents bed/room!

UniversalAunt · 16/01/2019 17:52

I think it reasonable to ask for your DS’s benefit and wellbeing that the environment he stays in is emotionally, psychologically and physically positive, and all your family and friends support this within reason.

This may be a simple set of house rules, in either household, of regular healthy meals, reasonable small treats, regular bedtimes, regular sleep space, regular space to keep toys and stuff AND slagging mum/dad/ & their family and friends off. You get the drift.

If your STX wants to kvetch and complain about you in his own home, then he can do it when your DS is not there, et vice versa when you have the ‘ump.

It may help you both to explore & iron this out in a few sessions with a family counsellor at Relate or family support service, & then present to the wider family set as something sensible, positive and independently arbitrated and that you both as sensible parents ask the family to support both of you and your DS. Happy families or what?

LanaorAna2 · 16/01/2019 18:00

What you're really saying is that GM will be parenting DS, not his father, and you're not sure how well she'll do it. It's fine to say that tactfully to DP, because he should agree with you.

What happens when DP gets a new relationship but is still living with parents? Will GM take over DS more then?

JagerPlease · 16/01/2019 18:04

My 2.5 year old doesn't have his own room at my flat, he shares with me when he's here. (has his own room at his other mums but still shares with her too!)

I'm afraid YABU

SpikyHedgehogg · 16/01/2019 18:08

I think this is a typical set up for someone needing to continue to pay towards the mortgage on the house they still part own but can’t live in any longer.

thegrassisgreenifyouusefilters · 16/01/2019 19:37

Why would he hear bad things ? Have you done anything bad ? Are you the cause of the spilt?

Maybe your Ex can fit a travel cot along the end of his bed, if no room at sides. It's strange but kids really do adapt and do things they wouldn't at home when elsewhere. You can always send him with a travel cot on the first visit !

Difficult2018 · 16/01/2019 19:39

I understand where you’re coming from and for people to say they ‘understand why he left you’ is mental. If you want to comment stuff like that, this is not the platform- go troll someone on Instagram!
It must be very stressful for you. You need to have an honest chat with your ex and explain your feelings and worries. I’m sure eventually any grown man will get tired of living with his parents! Try not to worry but just let him know you’re worried- particularly about his health eg the hot drink

HelloDarlin · 16/01/2019 19:46

If he/they live 5 mins down the road, then can your DS come home to his own bed, after a day with dad. Why does he need to stay overnight?

Pachyderm1 · 16/01/2019 19:53

I can see why he left you

God some people are bitches!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/01/2019 19:54

If he/they live 5 mins down the road, then can your DS come home to his own bed, after a day with dad. Why does he need to stay overnight?

As his DF I am guessing he would like his son overnight.

There is nothing the OP has said that would or should stop that.

EhlanaOfElenia · 16/01/2019 20:01

You chose the eternal teenager to be the father of your child I'm afraid. I assume that's part of the reason why you have left him, but you can't now change the fact of who his father and his grandparents are. All you can do is balance it out as much as possible. Don't play the mug's game of never speaking ill of your ex to your DS. If you feel your ex is behaving badly, you can let your DS know. Not in a bad mouthing 'ex is an arsehole' way. But in a 'I don't agree with what your father is doing, and I don't think it's for the best' or 'I don't agree with what your grandparent's are saying, they are not being kind saying these things in fact it's a bit mean to say these sort of things about people'.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 16/01/2019 20:04

YABVU and controlling.

You can not refuse overnight access because you’re scared his parents may say bad things about you (you can dress it up as an excuse about sleeping arrangements if you want, but it’s clear that’s not the case, and even if it was, that wouldn’t be a reason to refuse either).

You’ve split up. That means you get no say, no control and it’s none of your business how the child’s father chooses to parent him.

UniversalAunt · 16/01/2019 21:08

and stuff AND NOT slagging mum/dad/ & their family and friends off. You get the drift.

Tsk tsk and thrice tsk.

PoesyCherish · 18/01/2019 07:36

I think YABVU and controlling. As others have said he could get his own place and still spend every waking second with his parents.

Fwiw my ex and I could only afford a 1 bed flat so his DS was sharing a room with us for ages, until he was about 5. It didn't do him any harm. Likewise my DSD was cosleeping with her Mum until 5 and she's totally fine too - though that was through choice as she does have a 3 bed house.

^Why does he need to stay overnight?^

Umm presumably because he's his equal parent too??j

Nanny0gg · 18/01/2019 07:53

Are you going to get formal access sorted?
Will it be eow or 50-50?

Where he lives now isn't a problem but see which will work best when your DC is 5/10/older

NeverTwerkNaked · 18/01/2019 08:07

ExH slags me off to the children regularly and has done since they are tiny. It used to really hurt and worry but as they get older I can see it hasn’t affected their relationship with me one bit. In fact it has just affected how they see their dad. My tip- i never ever stooped to his level, I have never once said a bad thing about him (even if I had to near bite my tongue in half to stop myself!). So in my house they feel secure they can be every part of who they are, whereas in his house, in the words of my son “I have to hide how I really feel”.

So don’t worry about the things you can’t change, just start planning how you can be the best mother to your child, just think about how you will navigate this tricky situation.

wellhellothereall · 18/01/2019 08:21

I think this is shocking. He's left you in the family home so you a a comfortable life with your DS. He is having to move in with his parents probably so he can allow you to stay there. If your that bothered about it let him stay in the house with DS and you move out - see how easy it is to try and find another property whilst paying half on someone else's. What's the problem if your DS has to sleep on the floor on a mattress temporarily he is only 14 months he doesn't need his own room. You are being horrible

pinkdelight · 18/01/2019 08:24

"I think this is a typical set up for someone needing to continue to pay towards the mortgage on the house they still part own but can’t live in any longer."

This. Unless you're willing to sell the family home and split the proceeds, then it seems a sensible move for him, esp if he likes his family and doesn't fancy a room in a shared house with strangers at this point (would you?? and would you really be happier with that - there wouldn't necessarily be more room and you wouldn't know the others in the house). I think the key thing here is that your split is amicable and that should help a lot. Many parents have bigger problems with their in-laws than you describe while still being married and they can't have done so badly with raising your DP by the sounds of it. Just keep things amicable and the set-up could work out fine over time. (And on a practical level, surely DP can sleep on the sofa/blow up bed as DS gets older - plenty of space downstairs no doubt?).

ShatnersWig · 18/01/2019 08:28

DP and I have amicably separated

Yeah, really sounds it from the way you speak on your thread.

x2boys · 18/01/2019 08:47

My kids are.12 and 8 and don't have their own room , my next door neighbour currently has herself ,her daughter , daughters husband and their two boys and another daughter that comes and goes all in a two bed house not ideal but be the than being in the street

HelloDarlin · 18/01/2019 10:17

PC, yes he’s an equal parent, fair enough.
But OP reckons that granny will be looking after him when he stays overnight.
Which, I guess is a normal part of any child’s life when you look at it.

User758172 · 18/01/2019 10:44

If he’s a wonderful father and everything’s amicable between you, why does he have to move out? Live together as roommates and co-parents. You don’t like the alternative and he doesn’t seem like a bad guy?

SandyY2K · 18/01/2019 11:14

He's only 14 months old. What bad things will he hear about you.

YABU

You can try and say as DS hasn't got a cot it may be unsafe for him... and that you'd prefer he didn't have overnights... but I'd make it purely about DS and his safety.

Can't he get a cot...even a travel cot.

knittedjest · 18/01/2019 11:16

You're not going to be amicably split for long. Poor Ds.

thedancingbear · 18/01/2019 11:23

'My husband has kicked me out and I've had to move back in with my parents down the road. He's kept custody of the kids. He is now refusing to allow me overnight access until I get my own place because he says that it's not a suitable environment for them'.

He would be controlling, take him to court, you're better off away from this prick etc.

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